I feel like there's some kind of idealized version of a human being that I hold myself in comparison to much of the time. I think about how they would never use substances or they would only do it occasionally without thinking, they'd watch one episode of one show some evenings but not every evening, the same with sugar. This idealized human would be able to enjoy things in life without clinging onto them at any point. Just allow them to come in and out of their lives.
I use this idealized human mostly to beat myself up about my own choices and behaviours. To remind myself that I am not good enough and that it will likely take more work than I am capable of in order to reach this fake ideal. This idealized human taunts me.
Their voice is quieter than it used to be and I've become aware that it's a choice to listen to them or not to some extent. I can recognize and name their voice in my head and that gives me opportunity to name other choices. I'm a strong believer in changing how I feel about my behaviour in order to shift it, rather than simply strong-arming or shaming myself into changing.
I've been working towards a self-compassionate way of being, and while it is not always accessible, I have definitely made shifts that have given me more freedom of choice. It's hard work, but the value of it motivates me. I write this to remind myself, to ground myself, to create hope and possibility.
