Right now I'm in the midst of a move. Moving out of my place of 3.5 years and into a friend's for a week only to move across the continent and to another country. Thank you dual citizenship! I'm having trouble focusing, I feel like I haven't slept even though I had a very good sleep, I'm trying to keep on top of my meditation and exercise practices as well as keep up with school.
I want someone to hold me every day and tell me everything is going to be okay. Since I don't have one person in my life at this time dedicated enough to be that person, I enjoy a smattering of different people holding this kind of space for me and my spiritual connection to maintain my sanity. I am very lucky to have these connections.
Before I had the skills to develop close healthy connections with others, I relied on enmeshed connections with one individual at a time. These connections felt affirming at times, but sometimes kept me hostage when they weren't going well. Obsessive thinking, rumination and feelings of being out of control.
Now that I'm in recovery, I have diversified my social landscape and I have many people to lean on so that no one person has the pressure to support me at any particular time. I sometimes feel like life would be easier if I did, but ultimately it is not in the bigger picture. Ultimately, no one person can meet my many needs.
I have no more needs than the average person. Many needs is what we all have whether we're ready to admit it or not. I still struggle to admit it at times, but it's always less effort if I take a risk and ask someone to meet my need then ruminate about not getting it met however that might manifest. It could show up as me feeling resentful towards someone for unknowingly not meeting a need of mind or towards myself for being so needy. One thing I've learned from my counselling work is that there is no such thing as being 'needy'. The feeling of desperation is a reasonable response to not having had our needs met in the past.
Desperation is another concept that I've been meditating on. It is like the biggest ew for most people and yet we all know what it feels like to be desperate in a variety of ways. There is nothing wrong with feeling desperate. There can be trouble if I allow myself to act out my desperate feelings with others, unless the other is someone who is able to not take it personally, recognize it for what it is and continue to love me. What an awesome feeling this is.
Everything is going to be okay. I got this. One day at a time. Hysterical is Historical. Let go and let god. The next right thing. God Pause. Check in with my guidance. Breathe, don't forget to breathe.
