The Kitchen

I met him in a Kitchen. I thought he was younger than me, a boy. He's definitely a boy, and I'm definitely ageist.

Part of his charm is that he's American. But he apologizes more than most Canadians I know. Really it's that he grew up on a farm, in a house, or in a field of some sort.

He has deliberate hands that explored my body as soon as possible. He likes my energy.

I told him I wanted my physical interactions with people to mirror my emotional connections with them. What I say I want and what I do are separate entities.

My skin cells said let's try this. We hung out and had sex. It was fun, funny, positive. Kissing him feels real enough. I don't really mind what it meeeeaaaans. But it might get to that point if he doesn't have a solid apology for not texting me back right now. Cellphones. Dignity. He licked my clitoris and I gently squeezed his face with the inside of my legs.

There's also maybe a fertilized egg inside of me. I was ovulating and my vagina swallowed the condom. Or his penis wiggled out of it. My hungry vagina. Wiener. Either way. I feel like I'm pregnant, probably. Which is of course quite terrifying. It's the first time I've ever believed it could have happened.

I kind of expected this of myself subliminally? Now I might have to get an abortion and then I imagine I will not be able to have my own children later. Or I could go live with my mom and have a beautiful child. These are my options.

On the toilet I ask my body, nicely, politely, to please bleed. I'd just like to see slimy arches of red transfiguring in the water in the white bowl, if you kindly could bleed. Splotch my favorite pants in the morning. I'd be relived, thanks. Menstruate fuck.

For some reason I always capitalize Kitchen. Like it's a place.

I would tell him if I am pregnant. Maybe he would never complain about condoms again. It would be nice if in Sexual Education the dinks had to wear a fake belly, a beleivable wig, maybe some classy lipstick. At least for a day. It wouldn't be enough, but it makes me feel better.

Hmm.