My heart feels like it is broken. The person I love, loves another instead. I believe it is a sign that I am not ready to love myself that I am chasing after someone that does not want to love me back. Chasing, chasing, chasing... It can go on forever.
You see, said person spoke words that they did not want to be with me, but their actions spoke otherwise. I think telling someone the dark secret that you don't really want what they do is insurance that later on when they actually hear the words that you are saying, you then cannot be blamed because you had been saying them from the beginning.
It's just hard to hear words through all the other sensations that I experience when someone is showing me physical love. The auditory stuff sort of gets put to the side. Because I want what I want and I see what I want because that is what I want to see. WANT! WANT! Like a toddler. It is what I want so it must be there for the taking...Haha. *slight grimace*
It's an attitude thing and something I need to work on and change. Especially when it comes to romance. I need to figure out how to stop wanting a partner so badly. To be loved in the way my imaginary partner loves me. So I need to grow up. I need to do all the things I want to do for and by myself while I have the chance. Mostly creative things, in order to build my confidence. I need to start succeeding at my goals. I need to set my goals do I can achieve them. Realistic goals.
1. Perform musically before I leave Incline Village.
2. Purchase a car so I can be free!
3. Continue working out.
4. 1 art project per week.
5. Let go of silly ideas of romance. Only pursue someone that wants to be pursued and wants to pursue me back whole-heartedly.
Yay. That is a fantastic start. I am pleased.
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