Sexual Assault

 I'm feeling enraged due to a recent sexual assault by my current partner. Even pairing those words partner and assault in the same sentence brings me to my knees in disgust and agony. I am trying to understand the larger social context of these actions, but it only further enrages me and leaves me feeling generally unsafe. 

I feel like what transpired was an enactment of trauma and I would like try to explain it away but I am very much harmed in this circumstances and I cannot ignore it. I am also frustrated because the amount of healing I have done leaves me available to experience the emotions associated with this violence more quickly instead of numbing out for a longer period of time. Though I am in an enormous amount of emotional pain, I recognize that if I didn't feel these feelings now, then I would likely feel apathetic and experience suicidality at a later date where I'd be unable to pinpoint the potential cause.

Deep breathe. I am angry about the assault and I am angry that other experiences of assault are also arising in my mind. I am angry that I am aware that assault is most likely to occur from someone you are close to and I still could not have expected or predicted it. I am angry that I don't know what to do. I am angry that I'm afraid to tell people and I'm angry that when I have told people they have responded with emotions that allowed me to access the seriousness of what happened.

I am angry that I feel like I want to protect my partner. I am angry that I want to explain their actions away as if it somehow makes things better. I am angry that there is no blueprint for how to handle this. How am I supposed to deal with being assaulted by a partner? Ghost them? That does not feel useful to me. Then I do not feel an opportunity to be heard by the very individual that harmed me. How could they have been so careless with my body? With my emotional well being? Why did I let someone unsafe into my sacred world? How was I fooled? Are we all traumatized and unsafe people?

I believe we both felt a pressure to have sex. We had been dating for over 3 months and it felt like 'time'. Obviously neither of us were ready and this concept of time was outside of ourselves. It can't only be up to me to name I'm not ready though. He did say as much a few times, but I don't know if I didn't listen carefully enough or if he stopped feeling sure. I recognize that often there is a combination of factors occurring. 

My chest hurts, my throat hurts, my head, my stomach, my sense of motivation is gone. I'm having trouble caring for myself, grocery shopping, feeding myself properly. I feel a desire to isolate, skip work, drown in Netflix. 

I've tried moving, talking, dancing, not moving, meditating. Really anything to relieve the suffering. Nothing is going to take it away. Perhaps time?

Is emotional upheaval an inevitable part of close romantic relationships? Does it ever get to be easy? Will I ever heal enough to enjoy myself and relax?