An Ode to Aurora

I am unsure how I’m feeling there’s a lot going on in my mind and my body. Am I comfortable am I safe am I good enough? Who is this member of the family that appeared out of nowhere. What is life what is death is there a connection? My mind explodes on this page not going nowhere anywhere where am i? I’m angry I’m sad I’m confused I’m what I’m. I wish…what is there to wish for when I can’t remember which way is up? All I can do is sing until I cant anymore and the desire leaves me completely dry empty where did it go? A crusty crust around me protecting me from the muffled activity around me hovering wondering how we all fit together. No one knows. Glances are exchanged. Feelings are felt, some of them voiced, others echoing in chambers of minds…sometimes…trailing. Off. 

Others come booming back and if you clench your jaw, tighten your throat then by the time they make their way out they are louder then intended, wide eyed audience making them even louder, tender feelings exploding all over the room. Who’s are who’s? Who’s are who’s? Days later still sorting the feelings into piles of ‘keep’ and ‘don’t keep’. Wondering where the time went.

Yes time, thyme, tie ‘em. What is time? Is it worth even going into? This currency of our energy with its exchange rates and unpredictability :/ I thought I would have the ‘time’. I lost track of the ‘time’. Ah Father Time. But how many people can raise their hands and say… “My father is a good man.” I hope more than I can. I feel like I’m betraying him. But some things are unforgivable. Aren’t they? 

Forgiveness is for thyself. What is worse than betrayal? Forgiveness, does that mean I stop loving him? Was my love for him the only thing that connected us. His love feels far away, but it exists. What if I stopped caring? Would his love need to grow as mine waned? Or would our connection disappear completely. Would I have to feel guilty? I don’t want anymore uncomfortable feelings over this. Can’t I be done with it? Will it still hurt the moment that I die?