Crying cryaing cring

 Cry! Cry if you need to. There's something special on the other side. A relief, a reveal, a moment of peace. You have to let go in order to let it happen. Can you let go of control? Cause that's what it's going to take. You're going to have to let go and see what happens. 

At first it's gonna feel real ugly. Like you're too much. Like it's all too much. Maybe you make some unusual noises and, even if you're lucky and no one ridicules you, then you'll have a vulnerability hangover. Wondering why those, actually innoculous, faces were so judgement of your woes.

Because when I cry it's usually a buildup of things so I might be surrounded by milk spilled, but ultimately the well is much deeper.

Then it gets a little easier. I have started to trust that I can let go and stop crying when I'm done. I don't have to feel trapped in it. It's like opening a release valve just a little and then having the power to close it back up again. It doesn't mean the tears aren't really, it means you opened yourself up to the person in front of you that much and it wasn't so unsafe that you lost control. 

As a counsellor I allow my eyes to get misty and sometimes a stray tear is released. I don't feel ashamed, I model that it's okay to feel. It's scary and it's intense but it brings us closer to the meaning of life. To the purpose of existence. 

So I understand our conundrum.

Do we want to feel close to the purpose of existence? Is it comfortable over there? Is it kinda exhausting and, worst case, what if I feel nothing??? What if I'm the one most f*ed up person who feels nothing even when I'm staring Goddess in the face. 

Then what?

The Smell of the Ocean

 'I want to explore each others bodies without the intension of orgasm or penetration', she told him looking him directly in the eye. She noticed a split second expression but couldn't interpret it and her thoughts were interrupted as he nodded his head in response. Her inner thighs immediately began to tingle and she suddenly became very aware of her pelvis and nipples. Her breathing slowed and her eyelids grew heavy as she let out a sigh. 'Well?, she asked. 'What's on the menu?' His eyes glittered and he grinned as he pressed his body into hers and pushed her down on the bed. Lying on top he whispered in her ear that she didn't say anything about sucking on her nipples. Her eyes widened and her breath caught as she wiggled beneath his weight feeling his erection pressing into her thighs. 'I need a moment' she protested in response and he slid off of her and held her while they breathed together. After a few moments she pushed her butt into his crotch and wiggled it and he grabbed her top hip and ground himself into her soft tush smelling her hair and the swirl of their scents combining. She turned onto her back and looked at him and they gazed into each others eyes shyly for a moment before relaxing into it and enjoying the sensation of looking into the centre of the universe. He leaned in to kiss her watching to see if she turned away even slightly. As she leaned back to meet him he pulled her close to crush her mouth with his awkwardly at first but as they breathed and found a rhythm it became fiery and their bellies felt full of energy. They stopped to catch their breath and soon began to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Feeling a sense of calm and reassurance. As they slowly parted ways that evening an energy lingered in the air. Something was stirring and waiting to be birthed. 

An Ode to Aurora

I am unsure how I’m feeling there’s a lot going on in my mind and my body. Am I comfortable am I safe am I good enough? Who is this member of the family that appeared out of nowhere. What is life what is death is there a connection? My mind explodes on this page not going nowhere anywhere where am i? I’m angry I’m sad I’m confused I’m what I’m. I wish…what is there to wish for when I can’t remember which way is up? All I can do is sing until I cant anymore and the desire leaves me completely dry empty where did it go? A crusty crust around me protecting me from the muffled activity around me hovering wondering how we all fit together. No one knows. Glances are exchanged. Feelings are felt, some of them voiced, others echoing in chambers of minds…sometimes…trailing. Off. 

Others come booming back and if you clench your jaw, tighten your throat then by the time they make their way out they are louder then intended, wide eyed audience making them even louder, tender feelings exploding all over the room. Who’s are who’s? Who’s are who’s? Days later still sorting the feelings into piles of ‘keep’ and ‘don’t keep’. Wondering where the time went.

Yes time, thyme, tie ‘em. What is time? Is it worth even going into? This currency of our energy with its exchange rates and unpredictability :/ I thought I would have the ‘time’. I lost track of the ‘time’. Ah Father Time. But how many people can raise their hands and say… “My father is a good man.” I hope more than I can. I feel like I’m betraying him. But some things are unforgivable. Aren’t they? 

Forgiveness is for thyself. What is worse than betrayal? Forgiveness, does that mean I stop loving him? Was my love for him the only thing that connected us. His love feels far away, but it exists. What if I stopped caring? Would his love need to grow as mine waned? Or would our connection disappear completely. Would I have to feel guilty? I don’t want anymore uncomfortable feelings over this. Can’t I be done with it? Will it still hurt the moment that I die?

 

The M U N D A NE

 Sometimes I'm tired of my mind. I've started slipping back into that mentality that if I only meditated more often then everything would better. I can't tell if it's true or not. I find playing music quite meditative as well as riding bikes, but I still feel like I'm struggling. Effort. Struggle. This is a difficult moment. Only the moment because there was a moment that I wasn't struggling in and I missed it, it passed me by and I was busy remembering the hard moment before it so I got stuck in a loop.

So in this new refreshing moment I am calm, I am well, I am peaceful. I am well liked. I am well loved. I am SEXY! I am sexual and free. I fit in. I love the things I do: my job, my house, my hobbies. I'm surrounded by care and it exists within my mind as well. My mind is constantly thinking of new ways to care for me and to bring me joy and love. 

It's true. Both of these paragraphs are snapshots of my mind. 

What really boggles me is the many facets of existence and the elusiveness of it's creator. I want to believe and have faith, to dedicate my life....my very life to something, anything, everything? I want a meditative peaceful state just knowing. Literally being. I think that's the ultimate service to our creator. Being in each moment experiencing the depths of pleasure and pain and vulgarity of life.

The message that continues to flash through my head over and over is that the mundane is the greater part of the entirety of our experience. It is the mundane that we miss when someone is gone. It is the mundane of our routines that we grieve in the face of novelty. M U N D A NE

Why is this my message lately? What? What do you want from me Goddess? 

Burn Out

Experiencing some amount of burn out appears to be an inevitable part of being a counsellor so it's not so much about how to avoid it rather than how to recognize it's happening and address it sooner than later. I notice that I'm burning out when I stop feeling passionate about school. I know I'm passionate about school as a fact so when it feels like I am not I eventually realize that it's a symptom rather than reality. 

Another signal is general irritability. I can especially notice this when I interact with my partner and things that I usually find annoying but manageable feel like things I need him to immediate change and address about himself. This is challenging because it results in me expressing myself in a way that feels disrespectful and mean which results in extended shame and discomfort on my part. We have discussed how to navigate this part of me and it's still a work in progress, but at least it's not a secret.

A third symptom that I recognize is general fatigue. I noticed this morning that even though I had a very good sleep last night that I still felt that sensation of burning relief when I closed my eyes. Ahhhhh, sweet burning relief. I thought I was well rested, but this helped me recognize that I needed more than one night of restful sleep. 

Highly distressing situations take several days or even weeks to move through even if it might be easy to ignore the residual effects. I'm really trying to lean in to paying attention to my body and what it needs to tell me about what's happening for me unconsciously. There are signals that I have overlooked in the past that can help me process what is going on so that it doesn't need to be stored for future analysis. 

Essentially I have recognized that I no longer want to 'hold on' to experiences that don't serve me. I don't want to live in fear. I want to recognize that shitty interactions occur, don't need to be the norm, and I am resilient and strong so I'm able to live through them without too much suicidal ideation. Some, but not too much. At this point, I have enough folks in my life that I can tell if I'm feeling suicidal and I know they understand. By sharing it and not keeping it as a shameful secret, it passes more quickly and doesn't burden me as heavily.

I got some time off work as a result of experiencing burn out and I thought that my days off would be filled with catching up on school. Wrong I was, there were many other important things that I needed to do in order to catch up on taking care of myself which included doing nothing that felt 'productive'. Making time to experience the moment and whatever it brings is essential to my mental wellness. It can be really hard to value empty space in my calendar to the point of safeguarding it. Having a bit more time for now allows me to understand just how precious it can be.

The daily struggle

 Sometimes I feel fucking crazy, like the world owes me a big apology. That they're all out to get me and I'm just a sitting duck waiting for folks to disrespect me, diminish me or find covert ways to manipulate and hurt me. It's a terrible state of mind and one I'd rather not take responsibility for, but it's a common theme in my life and no matter where I live this sense of being doomed does not go away.

I know that the more I own it, the more I can dismantle this harmful belief system and yet it is extremely painful to approach and love this part of myself. It is quite ugly and prickly and selfish as hell. Yet she is inside me and rejecting her, rejects me. 

I'm in pain.

A lot of pain.

It is my burden to carry and ask for help with if I need it. 

SO I keep asking for help from trusted friends. Asking them to know this part of me, hopefully not take it personally because I know that our relationship won't last because this part of me wants so badly to be alone so I don't have to worry about losing connection. It is easier to have none than to have some and have to constantly worry about the loss of it. It feels very real. 

But I slog through daily conversations about miscommunication and me taking things personally, over and over and over and over and over and over. Because I grew up being gaslit about my own reality and I don't know what is real and that was implanted in my brain at a young age. 

I keep showing up for myself, reparenting myself, journaling, going to counselling, meetings, moving my body when I'm not super in the mood. Everything I can to...just...stay...sane. 

Nothing 'works' if the goal is to become a different person, because I will never be anyone other than myself. But these things do keep me sane-ish. 

So I keep slogging along and sometimes it doesn't feel like work, sometimes it's even fun. Sometimes I'm motivated as hell! Sometimes I'm joyful and grateful and free. 

But it won't last, it doesn't last, it comes and goes. Up and down. 

One day at a time.

ScatterBrained

 Right now I'm in the midst of a move. Moving out of my place of 3.5 years and into a friend's for a week only to move across the continent and to another country. Thank you dual citizenship! I'm having trouble focusing, I feel like I haven't slept even though I had a very good sleep, I'm trying to keep on top of my meditation and exercise practices as well as keep up with school. 

I want someone to hold me every day and tell me everything is going to be okay. Since I don't have one person in my life at this time dedicated enough to be that person, I enjoy a smattering of different people holding this kind of space for me and my spiritual connection to maintain my sanity. I am very lucky to have these connections.

Before I had the skills to develop close healthy connections with others, I relied on enmeshed connections with one individual at a time. These connections felt affirming at times, but sometimes kept me hostage when they weren't going well. Obsessive thinking, rumination and feelings of being out of control. 

Now that I'm in recovery, I have diversified my social landscape and I have many people to lean on so that no one person has the pressure to support me at any particular time. I sometimes feel like life would be easier if I did, but ultimately it is not in the bigger picture. Ultimately, no one person can meet my many needs. 

I have no more needs than the average person. Many needs is what we all have whether we're ready to admit it or not. I still struggle to admit it at times, but it's always less effort if I take a risk and ask someone to meet my need then ruminate about not getting it met however that might manifest. It could show up as me feeling resentful towards someone for unknowingly not meeting a need of mind or towards myself for being so needy. One thing I've learned from my counselling work is that there is no such thing as being 'needy'. The feeling of desperation is a reasonable response to not having had our needs met in the past.

Desperation is another concept that I've been meditating on. It is like the biggest ew for most people and yet we all know what it feels like to be desperate in a variety of ways. There is nothing wrong with feeling desperate. There can be trouble if I allow myself to act out my desperate feelings with others, unless the other is someone who is able to not take it personally, recognize it for what it is and continue to love me. What an awesome feeling this is.

Everything is going to be okay. I got this. One day at a time. Hysterical is Historical. Let go and let god. The next right thing. God Pause. Check in with my guidance. Breathe, don't forget to breathe.