I feel provoked by an entry I read in the book 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed. It is a collection of questions asked when Mrs.Strayed wrote an advice column before she wrote the book 'Wild'. I highly recommend the book, as it is extremely thought provoking and the questions asked are fascinating challenges to give yourself. It has even inspired a blog entry at 3 in the morning.
For a few years, I denied to myself/didn't have the ability to recognize that I had a problem with sex. It is common, I've heard, but that has failed to be reassuring due to the fact that I have had very little positive forward-thinking open discussions about it. So here I am attempting one so as not to feel so alone and lost in my black hole.
I have a hard time identifying whether or not I'm 'supposed to' have sex with someone. When is the right time? I've had a variety of experiences, many of them leaving me conflicted. The sexual experience itself may have been a positive one, but the behavior afterwards can leave me feeling worthless. I guess that is part of the sexual experience.
My body wants, it desires, and sometimes it tells me that I cannot control it. I've learned over time to (mostly) avoid the situations and the substances that allow my body to take control, but I am left with new problems concerning my persistent desire: anxiety and shame. Anxiety that I will make the wrong choices concerning a sexual partner and shame that I am not appealing enough to get my desires fulfilled. I am aware of the mindset that we must fulfill our own desires, but am not yet able to embodying this belief. I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I know that we can't give in to every craving or desire we have. When it comes to food I often lack self-control. I have the experience of craving something and then once I posses it and taste it, I realize that I do not actually want it anymore. But out of shame for giving in, I consume it quickly to hide the evidence of my transgression. It is a pattern I have begun to recognize in myself.
There are times when I wish I could turn off my desire forever so that it will no longer be a problem. And other times where I experience a few days without it and I feel angry with myself for being such a dud. All these feelings are so real despite being contradictory.
Do I just lack the ability to be satisfied with what's occurring? Am I being too judgmental of myself? Will sex EVER stop being a problem that I need to solve?
I have had boyfriends before, but because of my transient lifestyle, have not had an opportunity to see if any of the relationships would last. I live in fear that I will end up alone. My logical brain wants to tell me a few things about this fear. 1) It's not the end of the world to be 'alone'. 2) The chances of that are relatively low (I can hear my mother's voice saying this in my head). 3) There are more important things to use your brain-power on than worrying about whether or not you'll be in a relationship in the future (I can hear the feminist saying this in my head).
I know that my brain focuses on these things due to insecurity and low self-esteem. This is a life long battle which I have only begun. Everyday I am challenged. I see improvement, but sometimes I am so busy berating myself for not doing 'good enough' that I forget to acknowledge any improvement.
Just another day, another fight, another success.
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