Celibacy

There are times when people come into your life at what feels like just the right time. They give you a boost of strength to do something that you have wanted to do for a long time, but didn't have the courage. I'm not saying that those people should be given the credit for your own achievements, but they are the landmarks and the signposts to certain events in our lives. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. Sometimes they stay for a while and sometimes they don't. Sometimes we try to cling to them because they represent something great to us and we feel a strong connection to them, but they can't reciprocate.
     I used to take offense when people didn't reciprocate and didn't want to spend as much time with me as I them or keep in contact with me as frequently as I them. But as life passes I realize that, for the most part, it is not to do with me. We are all drawn to different people, at different times, for different reasons and it's irrelevant whether you draw them back. I mean, I do my best to be a good friend to people that do the same for me. But the exchange cannot be controlled, cannot be measured. You can't know if you did for someone more than they did for you or vice-versa.
     My grandfather said to me recently, upon asking how he and my grandmother had made it through 61 years of marriage, that the key to marriage is to always give more than the other person. Because in a relationship it always feels like you're giving more, but there is no measurement stick. We just have to give. I imagine the same goes for having children.

A person came into my life recently that allowed me to view my sexuality in a different way. I have gotten so caught up in the goal post of intercourse, that I have forgotten to appreciate everything else that comes out of attraction. Attraction can take us down many different paths, and not immediately trying to satiate that attraction through sex can open doors that we didn't know existed. What happens when you don't have sex with someone you're attracted to? I know for many, the answer is easy to come by, but not for me.
     I realize that I view men that I'm attracted to as sex objects. I got so caught up in the culture of women being sex objects and trying to take back my power by making men sex objects instead. I have to say that I may have become good at it (not that it was hard), but it has never satisfied me. I am starting to realize that there is so much more that can be gotten out of a relationship with a man when you don't have sex with him. My self-esteem and self-respect have increased since coming to this realization.
     For so long I was afraid that men wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't have sex with them. I was SO SO afraid. Somehow I got the idea in my head that I am ugly. I don't know where it came from, but it has been with me from when I started becoming aware of self-image. I still feel it at times when my mood is low. It hurts and it sucks. But guess what? I'm overcoming it and boy does it feel good.

The message that I don't need to have sex to be attractive is a powerful one and my impulse is to attach this feeling to the person that provided me with the opportunity to view my sexuality in such a way, although it has been a long time coming. There is a fear that I will only be able to continue to have this feeling by keeping in contact with this person. But I am an intelligent being and ultimately I know that it's not true, so as much as I'd like to continue a relationship with this person, it is really up to both of us to do so and if he doesn't want to then it is his choice and I choose not to take offense.
    Through my other relationships with men whom I don't have sex with, I continue to build my self-esteem and self-respect by teaching them how to show me respect, by having deep conversations with them about how the way they talk to me or treat me has made me feel in the past, and their openness to the conversations brings me great joy.
     I guess growing up isn't so bad after all :)

So in conclusion, I have realized that due to circumstance, rather than a conscious decision of my own, I have not had intercourse with another person since July 9th, 2013. So, I have decided to make it a conscious decision by going for a year, since I'm almost half-way there. It's not just a year of specifically not having sex, but a year of discovering what the other options are, what the other possibilities of connection can be. Maybe I won't have sex again until I'm 30, maybe I won't make it to July 9, 2014. Who knows?
    So I leave you to look forward to my future blogging experiences of being a consciously celibate individual and I leave you with this quote:
"Celibacy is not just a matter of not having sex. It is a way of admiring a person for their humanity, maybe even their beauty." By: Timothy Radcliffe