I'm sure many people will disagree, in fact their force is growing in numbers, but this whole online meeting and dating and getting married situation just doesn't jive with how I always imagined romance. My first instinct is sadness. But maybe my fairytale of romance needs to die, in fact I'm sure it does, and it's sad and slow and it's painful, but it's reality man. Romance is a crock of s***. All of the versions of romance that I grew up with got me nowhere and did me a disservice. If I only had reality in mind then I would have been a lot less disappointed overall.
Romance is trying hard. Romance is perseverance in the face of obstacle. To work hard for a relationship is the glue that holds it together...right? At what point should you stop trying? When they're a drug addict?, when they're verbally abusing you?, when you 'feel' like it?
Romance is addictive, it's mysterious, it's always OUT OF REACH. And it won't let me stop wondering what I'm doing wrong. Because there must be something.
Never satisfied; always thinking it could be better. What about that cute guy? I'm sure that we would be great together and there would be no problems even though he's a drug addict, alcoholic...he'll just magically give it all up if only I were with him...right?
Love conquers all. Love will change your partner so that they magically suit you perfectly. Your soul mate should just appear and everything should just work out and how come I can't give up this fantasy even though I'm nearing 30?
I thought I would be married by now even though I had rehearsed to many along the way that I didn't know if I believed in marriage. It felt assumed and I don't like assumptions, but secretly I assumed to myself. But I'm not, not even close, not even a glimmer in my future. And I don't want to make that my aim or my goal. Ideally I want to be happy with myself and by myself, like my mother told me all my life I should be. Not that she ever has been.
I want to love something else other than men, like art, music, culture. I want to obsess about it as much as I obsessed about boys growing up. I felt like I wasted so much energy worrying about being sexually attractive that I didn't even really start my life until more recently.
I don't know how to care about something that is not human as passionately, although I do love animals and plants and water. But I'm not 'in love' with those things. So get to know them more intimately???
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