Where is the love

     I float around from place to place, first on purpose, but then the momentum keeps me going even though I thought I had put on the brakes. 5 countries, 10 cities, and 60 different roommates. It began with my desire to find something, never really sure what or who it was. And it continues in my desire to find love and closeness in family because perhaps that is tied to the answer that I am looking for.
     Being around my grandparents makes feel feel truly and completely loved and cared for. A feeling that I had always hoped to get from a partner, but have not been able to find. Not necessarily because of the partners' lack, although that is perhaps a factor, but also because of my own inability to feel loved. I know that it is a problem for me, but with my grandparents I am able to allow myself to feel love, truly and completely. Their love is a caring love, a wholesome love, an uncomplicated love.
     Parents are another story, it's messy and difficult, too close, too much. Their needs and mine clashing in the tedium of everyday life while growing up. Now, having grown up, still trying to sort out the shaky moments and their meanings. Trying to come to peace with the difficult to make room for the laughter and the fun and wanting to be able to feel their love too.
     I'm not sure why I doubted my parent's love for me. I used to tell my mother that she didn't really love me all the time and when I was older and my father told me in a letter that he did, I found myself surprised. I don't blame them, but I'd like to understand what happened better. I want to change my thinking because logically I am sure their love exists and sometimes I am able to feel it. Is it just normal to have such conflict with parents?
     I don't feel ready to have children or be in a committed relationship until I sort it out. How can I teach a small person to feel love when I don't know how? How can I make another feel my love when I can't feel theirs? How can I even stay interested in a relationship when sometimes I don't feel loved? How do I find my love?
     One day at a time I do. I find love when I speak up for myself, when I voice my opinions, when I sing out loud, when I dance freely, when I exercise, eat well and resist foods that irritate my stomach. When I write, when I read books that I enjoy, when I allow myself to feel compliments, when I love, when I am loving.