Muzak makes the people...come together. Yea?

Tonight I starting contemplating the idea of not playing music anymore. Jam night took the direction of prepping for an open mic and we spent quite a bit of time just trying to pick songs. We only were able to agree on one, but decided we needed three. If I want to give up already, then what does that mean? Why is music so hard? Am I only meant to play alone?

Playing music with the idea of being an entertainer in mind is such a different experience then doing it for the sole purpose of your own enjoyment. It changes the way you play, what you play, and the whole experience of music. I don't think being a performer comes naturally to me. I'm an introvert, why would I want to get up on stage?

I always thought I wanted to be in a band, but maybe that is not the case. In fact, it is likely not the case. It is a very highly regarding thing, to be in a band, but the nitty gritty of actually regularly playing music with people is unbeknownst to me. (great word by the way...unbeknownst) If it's anything like tonight, I could imagine it being quite tedious.

Of course it also depends on how the people playing together relate to one another. But what is music for? Who is meant to perform it and why? Is it entertainment? Is it soul food? Is it both and much, much more? What role does it play?

I know that when I play by myself it relaxes me, puts me in a better mood, and makes me feel productive. I find it difficult to ever be truly satisfied with most of what I play, but from time to time I have a moment. Is it worth these few and far between moments? What else would I do with my time instead? What am I working toward? Do I need to be working towards something in particular?

I sometimes imagine myself on stage, sounding beautiful and my true love sees me and falls in love with my voice. Voices, they're so personal. I know that when I feel shy, it is truly reflected in my voice. My voice becomes thin and tight and self-conscious. I feel kind of as if I'm choking. I don't have the kind of confidence in my voice and sharing my thoughts as I would like to have.

Something to work on. Room to grow.