I've been searching for a way to have intimacy without sex for a long time. I crave intimacy and I always have. At times I feel like an intimacy addict. Intimacy is not always happy and smiling, sometimes it is conflict and struggle. My family just went out for breakfast and we were all on different pages, some were very hungry, we couldn't decide on a restaurant, there were tiny arguments starting here and there like little fires. It was extremely intimate being on the inside of a car with all of this going on. I remember it from road trips with my parents and brother. Tiny spaces with a few different agendas trying to find one path :) And everyone matters.
It's not intimacy with family that I lack though, or with girlfriends. I find it quite easy to connect with women and share emotional intimacy, though I find myself hesitant to engage physically with them, even on a non-sexual level. I catch myself wishing to take a friend's hand and hold it for a bit or snuggling up to them, but I fear their reaction. I find myself holding back in these relationships. I don't feel that it is acceptable to ask a good girlfriend to snuggle with me for a few minutes. I worry that they will be uncomfortable with the request. Part of it is the longevity of the relationship, I've moved around so much that most of my friendships are newer.
With men it is easy to find physical intimacy, but difficult to achieve emotional intimacy. Lots of men, and boys, want to fuck me. It's nice, but it's not fulfilling. I thought it was what I wanted and I still crave that kind of attention. But when it comes down to the moment of actual sexual contact, I become turned off. It's all about the moments before that for me. The eye contact, the brush of a hand, someone trying to make me laugh, looking interested in what I have to say. That's the addicting part. Once sex becomes involved then I am not able to believe that the person was actually interested in me. Just another fuck. This is all in a short period of time usually, if it were maintained over a longer period of time, showing sustained interest, perhaps that would be different.
The instance that I am turning around in my head is my recent physical intimacy with a friend. At first I felt it were inevitable that this friend and I would end up having sex. After a couple instances of hanging out, making out and sleeping together, I realized that intercourse was not I wanted. I also realized that I had some CONTROL over whether or not it was going to happen. I have been in situations where I have slept next to men before without having intercourse, but it would only be one night.
So my realization led to a couple of conversations and my friend asked 'why?'. Why did I not want to have intercourse with him? I believe I said something about my emotional reaction to said act, but since then I've felt the need to expand on my thought process.
It is not because I'm not attracted to him. It's because I'm bored. I'm tired of the emotional trauma/drama that comes with making love to a man. Because that's what it is to me. I've long been afraid that I would not find a suitable partner for myself. It still niggles in the back of my mind, but at this point I'm more afraid I'll never be able to have sex without feeling disappointed with myself. Maybe I didn't make them work hard enough for it, maybe I'm too easy, too eager, too desperate. Maybe I don't have enough self worth, self esteem, good judgment, good advice.
I feel these social pressures to behave a certain way. If I'm going to be promiscuous, then the man has to put a certain amount of effort into trying to have sex with me. What is enough effort? The real answer, which I can now see, is when I want to have sex too. The previous answer, which I am attempting to come to terms with, was much less. I would usually feel guilty once we were at someone's house, in someone's bed and feel that it was my duty to cater to the man's desires. I felt that I had made some kind of promise to them by that point by ending up in those circumstances. I am not proud of these feelings.
I cannot have random sexual exploits without them taking a toll on my emotional, and therefore physical health. I love sex and it is a coping strategy for me. Helps me deal with stress, helps me deal with loneliness, helps me cope with life. Silver lining...double-edged sword...no happy ending, just scattered happy moments.
The definition of insanity is expecting a different result from the same action.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Missing You
Missing you, can't wait to see you again
Missing you, somehow you became my best friend
Where are you, are thinking about me now
Missing you, wish you could get here somehow
Missing you, somehow you became my best friend
Where are you, are thinking about me now
Missing you, wish you could get here somehow
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Post-Friendship Breakup
I have been reflecting on my Privilege post (http://softpinkpetals.blogspot.ca/2016/09/privilage.html) and wondering if the situation inspired my behavior, or if maybe I should take a little more credit for being an ass and realize that I act out when I'm uncomfortable.
Dinners in restaurants where I can't afford the tab make me uncomfortable because I feel like I don't belong somewhere I can't afford. One of my biggest fears is that somehow I'll develop a desire to live outside of my means. To want things that I can't buy. There's just such a weight of debt that hangs over my mother and causes so much stress, that it became one of my greatest fears.
My mother seems like a reasonable person to me. I feel like I know her fairly well. But I can't understand how people get in the position of spending so much money that they don't have. I've lived a privileged life in that I received money towards going to college and my education was inexpensive so I never needed to take out a loan in order to go to school. I'm not sure I would have gone if it wasn't paid for. I wonder sometimes. I wonder how it affects my perception of the value of my education or contributes to the fact that I haven't pursued my career path harder.
Part of the reason I haven't pursued counseling more aggressively is because I fear taking out a loan. Haha! Full circle. I fear debt.
But back to being an ass. I act out when I'm in situations where I feel uncomfortable. On one such occasion it caused the end of a friendship and a lasting feeling of shame and regret in my memory. I even convinced myself that I was somehow possessed that night...possessed by jealousy and insecurity.
Crystal was one of my older friends in college, which made her seem extra cool. She was beautiful and interesting and sweet. I think I met her in a class, but I can't quite remember. We found out we were neighbours and begun to hang out together, she showed me a new route to bike to university, and we crafted together. She told me secrets about her relationship with her boyfriend and shared her life openly with me.
One night she invited me to come for dinner with her and her boyfriend before we went out to see a show with some other friends of theirs. The moment I walked into their cute 2 bedrooms apartment that they occupied together a strange feeling swept over me. It's only now that I can identify it as pure jealousy. I don't know if I'd ever been more jealous in my life. I wanted the perfect street artist boyfriend that I lived with in a funky apartment with and had little dinner parties. I was so desperate and afraid that I would never have that. That no one would ever love me enough to make a life with me.
I blew the evening, got wasted, blabbed to the boyfriend specific secrets that Crystal had told me were in confidence. Pissed everyone off, including the friends later on in the evening. Passed out at someones house, got told off quite colourfully by a friend of the boyfriend for something and then Crystal ended up escorting me home despite everything and I innocently acted like nothing had happened. Bless her for not leaving me on the street somewhere.
Needless to say things were never the same between us again. She was never unkind to me afterwards, but she was not trustful either. Which I don't blame her for at all. She even tried to meet up with me a couple years later when she heard I was on the west coast after she had moved there, but decided against it at the last minute and stood me up.
It was so painful for me. Losing a friend over my own feelings of shortcoming. Such shame I've felt over the years. I still feel a slight ache and it has been around 10 years since these events. I just couldn't believe how I acted. I felt at times through the night and when I replayed it in my head that I was watching it all happen, that I was not really in control of myself.
I appreciate films that can capture this kind of awkward social pain because it makes me feel less alone. It was a terrible thing I did. But I am not a terrible person. It's hard to know that someone out there thinks of me as one. Or at least I feel she does. Perhaps she doesn't even think about me. I am very sorry about this event, but I also need to let it go. I'm afraid if I let myself stop hurting over it, that it might happen again. I'm still insecure at times, but not to the extent I was at that time. I've grown up quite a bit.
I'm sorry Crystal. And I forgive myself, I'm sure you'd understand.
Dinners in restaurants where I can't afford the tab make me uncomfortable because I feel like I don't belong somewhere I can't afford. One of my biggest fears is that somehow I'll develop a desire to live outside of my means. To want things that I can't buy. There's just such a weight of debt that hangs over my mother and causes so much stress, that it became one of my greatest fears.
My mother seems like a reasonable person to me. I feel like I know her fairly well. But I can't understand how people get in the position of spending so much money that they don't have. I've lived a privileged life in that I received money towards going to college and my education was inexpensive so I never needed to take out a loan in order to go to school. I'm not sure I would have gone if it wasn't paid for. I wonder sometimes. I wonder how it affects my perception of the value of my education or contributes to the fact that I haven't pursued my career path harder.
Part of the reason I haven't pursued counseling more aggressively is because I fear taking out a loan. Haha! Full circle. I fear debt.
But back to being an ass. I act out when I'm in situations where I feel uncomfortable. On one such occasion it caused the end of a friendship and a lasting feeling of shame and regret in my memory. I even convinced myself that I was somehow possessed that night...possessed by jealousy and insecurity.
Crystal was one of my older friends in college, which made her seem extra cool. She was beautiful and interesting and sweet. I think I met her in a class, but I can't quite remember. We found out we were neighbours and begun to hang out together, she showed me a new route to bike to university, and we crafted together. She told me secrets about her relationship with her boyfriend and shared her life openly with me.
One night she invited me to come for dinner with her and her boyfriend before we went out to see a show with some other friends of theirs. The moment I walked into their cute 2 bedrooms apartment that they occupied together a strange feeling swept over me. It's only now that I can identify it as pure jealousy. I don't know if I'd ever been more jealous in my life. I wanted the perfect street artist boyfriend that I lived with in a funky apartment with and had little dinner parties. I was so desperate and afraid that I would never have that. That no one would ever love me enough to make a life with me.
I blew the evening, got wasted, blabbed to the boyfriend specific secrets that Crystal had told me were in confidence. Pissed everyone off, including the friends later on in the evening. Passed out at someones house, got told off quite colourfully by a friend of the boyfriend for something and then Crystal ended up escorting me home despite everything and I innocently acted like nothing had happened. Bless her for not leaving me on the street somewhere.
Needless to say things were never the same between us again. She was never unkind to me afterwards, but she was not trustful either. Which I don't blame her for at all. She even tried to meet up with me a couple years later when she heard I was on the west coast after she had moved there, but decided against it at the last minute and stood me up.
It was so painful for me. Losing a friend over my own feelings of shortcoming. Such shame I've felt over the years. I still feel a slight ache and it has been around 10 years since these events. I just couldn't believe how I acted. I felt at times through the night and when I replayed it in my head that I was watching it all happen, that I was not really in control of myself.
I appreciate films that can capture this kind of awkward social pain because it makes me feel less alone. It was a terrible thing I did. But I am not a terrible person. It's hard to know that someone out there thinks of me as one. Or at least I feel she does. Perhaps she doesn't even think about me. I am very sorry about this event, but I also need to let it go. I'm afraid if I let myself stop hurting over it, that it might happen again. I'm still insecure at times, but not to the extent I was at that time. I've grown up quite a bit.
I'm sorry Crystal. And I forgive myself, I'm sure you'd understand.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
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