I have been reflecting on my Privilege post (http://softpinkpetals.blogspot.ca/2016/09/privilage.html) and wondering if the situation inspired my behavior, or if maybe I should take a little more credit for being an ass and realize that I act out when I'm uncomfortable.
Dinners in restaurants where I can't afford the tab make me uncomfortable because I feel like I don't belong somewhere I can't afford. One of my biggest fears is that somehow I'll develop a desire to live outside of my means. To want things that I can't buy. There's just such a weight of debt that hangs over my mother and causes so much stress, that it became one of my greatest fears.
My mother seems like a reasonable person to me. I feel like I know her fairly well. But I can't understand how people get in the position of spending so much money that they don't have. I've lived a privileged life in that I received money towards going to college and my education was inexpensive so I never needed to take out a loan in order to go to school. I'm not sure I would have gone if it wasn't paid for. I wonder sometimes. I wonder how it affects my perception of the value of my education or contributes to the fact that I haven't pursued my career path harder.
Part of the reason I haven't pursued counseling more aggressively is because I fear taking out a loan. Haha! Full circle. I fear debt.
But back to being an ass. I act out when I'm in situations where I feel uncomfortable. On one such occasion it caused the end of a friendship and a lasting feeling of shame and regret in my memory. I even convinced myself that I was somehow possessed that night...possessed by jealousy and insecurity.
Crystal was one of my older friends in college, which made her seem extra cool. She was beautiful and interesting and sweet. I think I met her in a class, but I can't quite remember. We found out we were neighbours and begun to hang out together, she showed me a new route to bike to university, and we crafted together. She told me secrets about her relationship with her boyfriend and shared her life openly with me.
One night she invited me to come for dinner with her and her boyfriend before we went out to see a show with some other friends of theirs. The moment I walked into their cute 2 bedrooms apartment that they occupied together a strange feeling swept over me. It's only now that I can identify it as pure jealousy. I don't know if I'd ever been more jealous in my life. I wanted the perfect street artist boyfriend that I lived with in a funky apartment with and had little dinner parties. I was so desperate and afraid that I would never have that. That no one would ever love me enough to make a life with me.
I blew the evening, got wasted, blabbed to the boyfriend specific secrets that Crystal had told me were in confidence. Pissed everyone off, including the friends later on in the evening. Passed out at someones house, got told off quite colourfully by a friend of the boyfriend for something and then Crystal ended up escorting me home despite everything and I innocently acted like nothing had happened. Bless her for not leaving me on the street somewhere.
Needless to say things were never the same between us again. She was never unkind to me afterwards, but she was not trustful either. Which I don't blame her for at all. She even tried to meet up with me a couple years later when she heard I was on the west coast after she had moved there, but decided against it at the last minute and stood me up.
It was so painful for me. Losing a friend over my own feelings of shortcoming. Such shame I've felt over the years. I still feel a slight ache and it has been around 10 years since these events. I just couldn't believe how I acted. I felt at times through the night and when I replayed it in my head that I was watching it all happen, that I was not really in control of myself.
I appreciate films that can capture this kind of awkward social pain because it makes me feel less alone. It was a terrible thing I did. But I am not a terrible person. It's hard to know that someone out there thinks of me as one. Or at least I feel she does. Perhaps she doesn't even think about me. I am very sorry about this event, but I also need to let it go. I'm afraid if I let myself stop hurting over it, that it might happen again. I'm still insecure at times, but not to the extent I was at that time. I've grown up quite a bit.
I'm sorry Crystal. And I forgive myself, I'm sure you'd understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment