I've been searching for a way to have intimacy without sex for a long time. I crave intimacy and I always have. At times I feel like an intimacy addict. Intimacy is not always happy and smiling, sometimes it is conflict and struggle. My family just went out for breakfast and we were all on different pages, some were very hungry, we couldn't decide on a restaurant, there were tiny arguments starting here and there like little fires. It was extremely intimate being on the inside of a car with all of this going on. I remember it from road trips with my parents and brother. Tiny spaces with a few different agendas trying to find one path :) And everyone matters.
It's not intimacy with family that I lack though, or with girlfriends. I find it quite easy to connect with women and share emotional intimacy, though I find myself hesitant to engage physically with them, even on a non-sexual level. I catch myself wishing to take a friend's hand and hold it for a bit or snuggling up to them, but I fear their reaction. I find myself holding back in these relationships. I don't feel that it is acceptable to ask a good girlfriend to snuggle with me for a few minutes. I worry that they will be uncomfortable with the request. Part of it is the longevity of the relationship, I've moved around so much that most of my friendships are newer.
With men it is easy to find physical intimacy, but difficult to achieve emotional intimacy. Lots of men, and boys, want to fuck me. It's nice, but it's not fulfilling. I thought it was what I wanted and I still crave that kind of attention. But when it comes down to the moment of actual sexual contact, I become turned off. It's all about the moments before that for me. The eye contact, the brush of a hand, someone trying to make me laugh, looking interested in what I have to say. That's the addicting part. Once sex becomes involved then I am not able to believe that the person was actually interested in me. Just another fuck. This is all in a short period of time usually, if it were maintained over a longer period of time, showing sustained interest, perhaps that would be different.
The instance that I am turning around in my head is my recent physical intimacy with a friend. At first I felt it were inevitable that this friend and I would end up having sex. After a couple instances of hanging out, making out and sleeping together, I realized that intercourse was not I wanted. I also realized that I had some CONTROL over whether or not it was going to happen. I have been in situations where I have slept next to men before without having intercourse, but it would only be one night.
So my realization led to a couple of conversations and my friend asked 'why?'. Why did I not want to have intercourse with him? I believe I said something about my emotional reaction to said act, but since then I've felt the need to expand on my thought process.
It is not because I'm not attracted to him. It's because I'm bored. I'm tired of the emotional trauma/drama that comes with making love to a man. Because that's what it is to me. I've long been afraid that I would not find a suitable partner for myself. It still niggles in the back of my mind, but at this point I'm more afraid I'll never be able to have sex without feeling disappointed with myself. Maybe I didn't make them work hard enough for it, maybe I'm too easy, too eager, too desperate. Maybe I don't have enough self worth, self esteem, good judgment, good advice.
I feel these social pressures to behave a certain way. If I'm going to be promiscuous, then the man has to put a certain amount of effort into trying to have sex with me. What is enough effort? The real answer, which I can now see, is when I want to have sex too. The previous answer, which I am attempting to come to terms with, was much less. I would usually feel guilty once we were at someone's house, in someone's bed and feel that it was my duty to cater to the man's desires. I felt that I had made some kind of promise to them by that point by ending up in those circumstances. I am not proud of these feelings.
I cannot have random sexual exploits without them taking a toll on my emotional, and therefore physical health. I love sex and it is a coping strategy for me. Helps me deal with stress, helps me deal with loneliness, helps me cope with life. Silver lining...double-edged sword...no happy ending, just scattered happy moments.
The definition of insanity is expecting a different result from the same action.
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