I realized in my 3 and a bit years in recovery that relationship is relationship. How I engage with others will be reflected in all my relationships: family, friends, romantic, myself. So I need to make the healthy choices now, today, in this relationship or it's going to continue biting me in the ass.
Over the past few days I've been feeling like I've 'realized' that a particular friendship isn't working. The physicality of this experience is like someone is screaming inside my head and there's a loudness that is being contained by my skull, a feeling of being frozen/trapped/can't move, a full body tension of wanting to run away. I've been working on tuning into my bodily sensations, it is not easy. More on that another time.
So I realized that this relationship is not working. Now what? Do I repair it? Do I tell them? Does it need to be in person? Traditionally there's all this hype about how it's 'unfair' to break up with people in text. Why exactly is it unfair? Does it apply to friendships? I can empathize with being on the receiving end of 'it's over' from a friend. Sounds painful. But is it more painful that someone pretending to be your friend even though they feel like someone is screaming inside their head?
I send love to all the people that don't want me in their life. I embrace them in their bravery to recognize what they need, especially women who feel the need to take care of everyone's feelings at the expense of their own needs. FUCK that. I can't take care of this friend's experience of me needing out. I don't have the capacity. I'm doing the best that I can and that's enough. I am enough.
I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself in this process and the part that stood out for me most was, "I forgive myself, in the past, in the present and in the future for any mistakes I make in relationships. If relationships are meant to thrive, they will endure my mistakes." It feels true, it is true.
My body feels jittery with nervousness and excitement about trying something radically new: Taking care of my own emotional needs above all else. Oooo shit.
Something with my sponsor also resonated with me...I don't owe this person anything. We have shared our lives with each other and that is a gift, I am so grateful for the time we spent together, the things we learned from one another, and the support we mutually gave. There is no tab to pay up or IOU at the end.
It appears that I have all these rules and contractual agreements that I think I've entered into when I engage in various relationships. I'm 'supposed' to do all kinds of things, but it's exhausting and then I want to avoid these people because I feel so tired. I'm hopeful that my next friend is also aware of their internal rules and contracts and checks in with themselves so they can make decisions if it's a clause that they are holding on to or letting go or having a conversation with me about.
Some of the rules of friendship (which apply to some other relationships) that are no longer working for me are as follows:
1. I owe it to someone to have a conversation if I am feeling tired in the relationship because they deserve a thorough explanation as to why I'm doing something so 'horrible and mean'. Even if I don't have a particular answer, but a confusing buildup of many nuanced interactions that have given me enough information that I see we are not compatible.
2. I must be super honest and vulnerable in all the relationships I consider close, even if it is not reciprocated.
3. I need certain people in my life or I will die.
4. If I decide a relationship is too much for me, it is my fault and I have to fix it.
5. I'm not allowed to suddenly realize I no longer want to be around someone, but we have to have several painful and uncomfortable conversation that leave me exhausted attempting to negotiate how we can continue the relationship in some way.
Away with you RULES! I set myself free in enthusiastically breaking them!!!
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