Getting Old(er)

One thing I noticed that as I got older is that I became more and more careful with my body. I don't think it was a healthy careful, but more motivated by fear. As someone who has experienced bouts of depression, I knew that bodily injury was rife with opportunity to be depressed: change in schedule, reduction in exercise, a new, likely unwanted normal.
Sometimes these injuries are the result of us trying something new and feeling excited about the prospect of this new thing in our lives and so there's the disappointment and sense of failure that can accompany establishing the 'new normal'.
Yesterday, in the midst of having extra time on my hands, due to good old Covie, I decided to do a handstand not against the wall. Last year I started doing acroyoga with a group in town and I had so much (supervised) fun. I started feeling stronger and motivated to practice my handstands (against the wall). It had been awhile and I missed the fun of it so I thought, throw up an old handstand. I had rearranged my apartment so there was no good wallspace...
I fell.
No one was around, as I live alone, and the little child in me is like, "if a tree falls and no one hears it..." The pain was delayed by this thought for a few seconds before it slammed into my nervous system. Man! I haven't felt that kind of pain in awhile. It reminded me of just how careful I am always being with trying to prevent injury. It also reminded me of the rush that comes with the adrenaline of toeing the line of potential injury.
It hurts and I'm concerned that I can't run or do yoga which I've put a lot of effort into creating these habits. But I can get back into them when I feel better. I am RESILIENT! I've put a lot of effort into creating resiliency. Because these physical situations can also apply to emotional ones.
We can spend our lives avoiding putting ourselves in precarious emotional situations, not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and therefore not getting hurt. But it does hurt. It reminds us of the pain that we had experienced to create that level of protection, we continue to live in that former pain and it rules our lives. Or we can celebrate that pain and recognize that it represents our spirit to try new things, to trust, to experiment.
I don't regret the handstand. I know I'm getting older and I need the wall. That's not going to stop me.