I never wanted to be a crazy girlfriend, but as time goes on I realize that the crazy in me will come out at times one way or another and the best I can do is accept it. The more I try to resist and chastise myself for acting "crazily", the crazier I will become. There is just something about being in a relationship, or romantic interactions in general, that brings out some irrational and irreconcilable part of myself that I cannot predict or seemingly control. I get highly emotional, threatening, and dramatic. I am working on it, but have to be patient with myself in order to do so, and it is a slow process. Thankfully my partner has "a mature and patient love" for me, so he helps me to accept my own crazy.
Here I will confess some of my sins:
-irrational upset when partner doesn't answer phone
-fury upon partner not doing something he said he would, however small
-nagging of partner to stop smoking/drinking so much without empathy to habits changing slowly
I've always had this little perfectionist inside me that is constantly nagging me to be better, eat better, live better, and also have the perfect partner. I know that perfection is not possible and if I could I would quietly kill her in her sleep and then I could live a less stressful life overall, but unfortunately it is not by knife or suffocation that she can be exterminated. Only by slow and patient reminders to myself and reflection upon the ways I have changed and dealt with my crazy. The times I've realized that I'm bored and restless and I start thinking "why the F*** isn't he answering his phone", that I catch myself and do something fun. I don't need to rely on my partner for my entertainment and to keep occupied. In fact, that would likely lead to the downfall of our partnership. Just sharing your life with someone brings all your shortcomings into your consciousness because you have another set of eyes observing your innermost thoughts and behaviours.
I think I'm on the right track, just have to remember to breathe.
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