When I was in my early teens I used to cry to my mother that I would never have a boyfriend, no one would ever love me. To this day, I'm not completely sure where these thoughts came from and why I was so distraught about them. It could've been because I was being bullied in school, or that my mother was at the height of her career and didn't have as much time for me as I would have liked, that I was having a difficult time having a positive relationship with my deaf father or because my best friend moved away. It was most likely a combination of all of those things, but translated into a desperate desire to be loved, not just by anyone, but by a boy.
What followed was a series of both positive and negative interactions with boys, as I tried to navigate the waters of love. My definition of love was very much entrenched in the idea of being sexy, or sexually appealing. If someone were to want to have sex with me, then they must love me. Or so I thought at the time. Because I wanted to be loved so badly, I became indiscriminate about who I let have sex with me. And I would this purposefully, "who I let have sex with me", because these sexual encounters were a far cry from two people having sex together and very much me mentally checking out while someone did things to my body that I selectively chose to remember.
Eventually one of my first reality checks was with a guy whom I had a mutual crush on for a few years, since the beginning of university. We had communicated over instant messaging over the years and hung out from time to time and finally we decided to have the sex. Afterwards, I convinced myself that it was a positive and very intimate and wonderful experience, but a few days later he let it be known to me that it was very uncomfortable and negative for him. Reflecting upon it I know that he was right and that I was in the habit of shutting off and twisting around what happened. It was a fantasy world that I lived in. Unfortunately he was hurt by this experience and decided to humiliate me to get back at me.
But I would like to highlight my more positive experiences and this man ultimately did me a favour by pointing out the truth, that I was living in a false reality that was not bringing me joy or satisfaction. The truth will set you free and that was a turning point that started an upswing in my efforts to lead a more healthy and happy sexual existence.
This effort was not without many more mistakes to come, as one does not change one's habits overnight. There were times I beat myself up because now I knew better and how could I still get caught in the same traps as I had before. One big element that needed to be evaluated was the amount of alcohol that I consumed. I didn't consider myself a big drinker, and it seemed as if the people around me consumed as much, if not more than I did. But my biggest reality check with my drinking was dating Tom. Tom was from Germany where the drinking age is much lower. I'm not sure if this is why or he just spent time with more wholesome friends, but he had never thrown up or gotten sick from drinking. This was a shock to me. Hadn't everyone in the world blacked out and thrown up and generally been irresponsible through the means of alcohol?
Apparently not, and not only that, but as our relationship progressed i began sharing some elements of my sexual past with him and he was shocked into silence. He seemed to be more impacted by my experiences than even I was. At the time this felt tedious and annoying because he gave me the silent treatment and ruminated for hours about how badly I was treated, his "precious rose". It caused him much pain. Sometimes pain is too much to experience oneself and the only way to deal with it is to watch someone else have the "appropriate" emotions for you. I know this because I have done the same for another of my friends.
But again this seemingly negative time was actually again a catalyst for me to come to terms with things and move forward with my life. Since Tom,I have had more positive than negative sexual experiences, become a lot more monogamous, and drank much less.
And now I am in a self proclaimed monogamous highly communicative relationship with a wonderful man. Hard work really does pay off.
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