The Next Stage

About a year and a half ago, I went through therapy for some of my issues relating to this story. I participated in an art group therapy with 3 other women and it was really fantastic. We still send out group texts once in awhile and I cherish hearing from these women. I never told them this exact story.

Now what? I'm still terrified of the world in some ways. I feel that I'm a failure at romantic relationships. I don't know if it's because I move so much or because I conduct myself poorly. I don't know if my terror is part of the reason why I move so much. At this point I've forgotten.

I feel a darkness in me when it comes to romantic relationships, a fear that I'm not good enough, that I'm 'used up'. That I'm not lovable. The feeling of not being lovable started way before the rapes began. I used to come home and cry at night when I was 12 because I was certain that no man would ever love me. I don't know why, but that fear of not being lovable is still inside me.

I find myself bending over backwards for men whenever there's a romantic spark of some kind and it's something I really don't like about myself. But it's also something that has lessened over time.

Unfortunately, I recently found myself in a relationship with someone that was really controlling. It scared me. I was afraid to break it off with him. I was afraid he would come to my house and break in for weeks afterwards and hurt me or rape me. I overreact to a lot of things. And it sucks.

I'm about to do a 10 day solo hiking trip and I'm terrified for all these reasons. Even though I know realistically, it's only 21% of the time that a stranger will be your rapist. None of my rape experiences were complete strangers, they were always someone I had at lease hung out with once or twice prior to the rape and they always involved alcohol.

I'm scared, but it makes me want to go more. I want to confront this fear, and I don't know how changed I can be in the span of 10 days, but camping alone in the pitch dark woods is a challenge for me, and it's one I accept. One challenge at a time makes me a stronger, better person.

I know I will succeed. I know it will build my confidence in myself, and that is what I need to truly say no and follow through with my actions and keep myself safe for the rest of my life.

Writing about this experience and how it has dragged out in my life has helped me to understand it and hopefully will help me let it go. I don't necessarily want to talk about it, but I may want some people to know about it sometime and it's nice to have a written copy. I cried more than once during this writing and I went to work feeling quite depressed when I first started. But I'm feeling stronger now and I'm happy to free myself from this burden.

Life will go on and it already is.