Itching for something

 I long for...

Something, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Several possibilities flit through my mind: sex, drugs, partnership?

I feel content in my life. School, friends, work, my housing is secure and comfortable. I am safe. And I finally feel safe. But I itch...for something. 

I book an appointment with my counsellor, hoping that our visit will bring me some clarity.

To be honest, I feel guilty that my life is so good and I just want something more. Is that just the experience of our society. Of capitalism? Never quite happy. 

I've felt lonely before, afraid of not finding 'the one'. Which I no longer believe in. But this kind of loneliness is no longer about 'the one', but it's about being in a pandemic and the continent being on fire and the daily visual landscape shrouded in smoke and folks wearing masks and wondering...what the fuck is going on.

It's easy to forget, like it's all a weird movie I watched and lingers on my mind. But the reality is that I'm scared and I don't talk about it because I'm afraid there's no space for my fear. I don't want to visit my grandma, when strangers get too close to me I feel sick to my stomach, I want someone that I trust to tell me everything is going to be okay, but sometimes I don't trust anyone. 

I want to trust in humanity, but I watch documentaries about the American prison system and I feel chills travel through my entire body. What the fuck is going on?

How do I continue to exist in a suspicious and malicious society? How does it not become contagious? How do I even make it from one day to the next. 

I'm exhausted. I'm feeling hopeless. I guess it's time to watch some Netflix.