My grandma died

 And I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I'm watching myself go through all these motions, but I'm not really sure how to connect with it. 

This is what I know:

It feels good to be around friends, the sound of their voices makes me feel warm. I fear that I cannot empathize with them as well as I normally can, but it's hard to care and I think it's okay.

I feel really critical of myself in a lot of ways. I think I'm depressed so a lot is skewing negative. One positive thing about this is that I know that I was not depressed because I've noticed the shift into depression. So yay for that.

Everything feels kind of hard

Time doesn't make much sense

I can't feel my emotions very intricately. It's mostly just bad and good at the moment.

I don't know how to talk about my experience and when I try it doesn't sound like it makes sense. I think I just feel like I can't make sense of it myself so how could someone else understand. Though I know that other people understand loss so it's not logical. 

I want to self-medicate with substances and that makes me nervous, but it's hard to really feel the nervousness. I grateful to be aware of my hesitation and that opportunity to reflect on my substance use habits and cravings despite what I choose to do about it.

I'm generally uncomfortable. My body aches, my mind feels kind of floaty, very little feels exciting and my motivation is absolute crap right now.

I know I will get through this however imperfectly. 

I can't rush it

I can't control it

I can only exist