Bike Shoppe Culture

I have been in and out of bike shops for at least half of my life, enjoying the maintenance of my own bicycle and the sense of accomplishment that wrenching on her ensured. I love the moment of clarity as to what I need to do next. The satisfaction of a well cleaned and lubricated chain. The smell of the various lubricants and tire, the meditative process of truing a wheel. I love wheels in general. The cute little ball bearings and the way they roll all over the place <3 

It has brought me a lot of joy over the years.

But it's not without discomfort. Bike mechanics are predominantly male and it's a bit of an alternative space. Being one of the few females in the room is an unusual experience that brings out the shy in me. Much like being the youngest in the room does. Or the most sensitive. 

So yesterday I did a trial at a local bike shop to work as a mechanic. Being new is difficult, wondering if my skills are enough, wondering if I'll be accepted. I think one of the harder things unique to this environment is wanting to be able to physically do the work. This is challenged at the outset having to bring your bicycle into the shop, down a set up stairs and then hang it up. I was tense in the process because I was nervous and I wanted to prove that I could do all the things, but it took my focus off my body and more into a 'proving myself' space which is less safe. What I realize is that I need to take my time and pay close attention to my body. 

At the end of the day my body was killing me. Terrible back pain, I spent my lunch break stretching and had to stop on my way home for a snack and a stretch. I'm still sore this morning. 

How do I spend my day surrounded by, mostly, men and be in my body? How do I feel safe enough? Time I guess. It's strange, but I feel like I need to build alliances before I can relax. Find protectors in the herd so that if someone gets threatening (I use this term in the sense of challenges me verbally, sexually, or even as a bystander to witness aggression) then I have someone to stand up for me. As I'm writing about what has been a predominantly unconscious endeavour, I realize that I'm at a point in my life when I'm enough of a protector of myself. I don't really need anyone, thought it is nice when people are welcoming and friendly. I don't think it's necessarily based on gender as to whether people are welcoming and friendly at new jobs though. My last job was predominantly female and there was also a variety of responses to me on my new day. I think women are more likely to pay lip service to being "welcoming", but actually if it's not genuine it's potentially even more threatening than just being authentic. 

Back to finding a protector. It's interesting because I think I used to buy protection with my sexuality. I felt that I needed to lure someone in and secure my status as protected by having sex with them. I recognize that this is not the case, and usually that would cause more problems and put me more at risk. It's comforting to have the opportunity to navigate this scenario with a lot more awareness. It's strange to admit the intricacies of my subconscious motivations. Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to admit in this public space, but I'm more inclined to focus on the release it brings me and the choices that arise for future by uncovering these mysteries.