Obsessive Thoughts

What are obsessive thoughts trying to tell us? Why are they occuring? Ruminating through our minds? Do they have a message? Are they a necessary evil of being human? An addict? Mentally unwell?

I don't have any particular answers, but I experience immense amounts of shame in response to my experience of obsession, especially when it involves another person. I obsess when I'm in conflict with someone or I'm imagining conflict with someone. I obsess when I interact with someone and I'm not feeling very good about myself. Days will pass and I cannot get it out of my mind. It feels like I'm flogging myself with the thought, punishing myself for doing something 'wrong'. 

Is this a way to keep myself safe? The weird tendencies are always attempts to protect ourselves. What am I protecting myself from? I guess I have lived in fear of loneliness. I've recently felt less concerned with being lonely, but that doesn't mean that old habits will not continue to arise. It's a process to evolve. 

What do I need to hear? There is no one moment that can make or break a connection with someone. It is in fact a buildup of exchanges. There is no one catastrophic mistake. Apologies are often an option. If someone is meant so be my friend then the relationship will persevere. I forgive myself and celebrate my mistakes. I recognize that conflict is often an opportunity to become closer with someone and to deepen the relationship. That includes myself. 

I feel like this conflict is between myself and the Goddess. I feel that I've worked hard in my life to shift my perspective and it's not fair that I still ruminate and obsess over small and trivial interactions. Maybe it isn't about something small though. Maybe it is a big deal, maybe the things I'm attempting are magnificent and huge! Maybe they are worthy of obsession. Maybe they are important.

Changing long-term habits is important. Reorganizing thoughts to reflect my true values is important. Dissolving old biases is important. Efforts today may have impacts on areas of my life that I never imagined. Everything is connected. It's easy to pretend otherwise, but there's a ripple effect on many areas of my life when I change something like loneliness. It's not even that I have more people in my life, it's that I celebrate the one's that were already there. It's not just my relationship with others that feels different, I enjoy my own company more. It's not just relationships with people, I feel more comfortable going outside and more confident pursuing my interests and more connection to what I eat and consume and the earth. 

Things can appear very small, but maybe they're worth obsessing over.