Delighted

It's been a challenging day for me. A bit of a general sense of feeling down, low, unmotivated, wanting to lie in bed and be still until it passes. But with these delightful moments interspersed in between. It reminds me of a cloudy day where the sun comes out a couple times for an hour and you bask in it and really appreciate it's short but much needed appearance. 

That's what deep connection feels like to me. Not only do I attempt to foster friendships in which I feel free to say anything, but I also am pursing work that allows me to push the boundaries of "polite" conversation. To break the mold of what people are meant to talk about and discuss, to dig deep underneath the conversation and to have a look at the mechanics that power it. Tinker. 

I love tinkering in people's minds, not in a malicious ways, but in a curious and thoughtful way to understand how they work, to experiment. What happens if I do this, put this here, combine these things. The human mind is truly fascinating. 

This means that I think quite intricately about things. My most recent partner said that I thought about everything too hard, and that can be a side effect. That perhaps I direct my mental energy on something that is detrimental, such as a storyline about how no one cares about me. It can be difficult to deconstruct these sturdy narratives because I have put a lot of thought into creating them. Otherwise, I retorted to him a few weeks later that perhaps he did not think deeply enough :P

It made me wonder, after we parted ways, if someone appreciating my ability to think is an important quality in a partner. I am also pretty certain that it is a privilege to think so deeply. To be able to organize and articulate complex ideas is a product of education which I am well aware that not everyone has access to. What does that mean for my education? How do I use it to benefit?

I have heard a lot of allies have been using their platforms to elevate black voices. To gather audiences because of my privilege and then let someone else do some of the talking. To share ideas. We build the stage and the following and then we select the people that stand on it. It's a lot of power. It's uncomfortable to wield. I have heard a number of people say that it's too uncomfortable and overwhelming that they feel paralyzed. I have heard that this paralysis is a white privileged excuse. 

I continue to see many sides of an argument as valid. I consider this one of my superpowers. It requires deep thought. It requires being able to notices that a low day is not only low, but there is still deep connection and laughter and moments of tenderness with myself and others interspersed throughout. Nothing is one thing. There is no one answer or reason. It depends on the day, it depends on the moment.