Hope and possibility in change

 I feel like there's some kind of idealized version of a human being that I hold myself in comparison to much of the time. I think about how they would never use substances or they would only do it occasionally without thinking, they'd watch one episode of one show some evenings but not every evening, the same with sugar. This idealized human would be able to enjoy things in life without clinging onto them at any point. Just allow them to come in and out of their lives. 

I use this idealized human mostly to beat myself up about my own choices and behaviours. To remind myself that I am not good enough and that it will likely take more work than I am capable of in order to reach this fake ideal. This idealized human taunts me.

Their voice is quieter than it used to be and I've become aware that it's a choice to listen to them or not to some extent. I can recognize and name their voice in my head and that gives me opportunity to name other choices. I'm a strong believer in changing how I feel about my behaviour in order to shift it, rather than simply strong-arming or shaming myself into changing.

I've been working towards a self-compassionate way of being, and while it is not always accessible, I have definitely made shifts that have given me more freedom of choice. It's hard work, but the value of it motivates me. I write this to remind myself, to ground myself, to create hope and possibility.

My grandma died

 And I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I'm watching myself go through all these motions, but I'm not really sure how to connect with it. 

This is what I know:

It feels good to be around friends, the sound of their voices makes me feel warm. I fear that I cannot empathize with them as well as I normally can, but it's hard to care and I think it's okay.

I feel really critical of myself in a lot of ways. I think I'm depressed so a lot is skewing negative. One positive thing about this is that I know that I was not depressed because I've noticed the shift into depression. So yay for that.

Everything feels kind of hard

Time doesn't make much sense

I can't feel my emotions very intricately. It's mostly just bad and good at the moment.

I don't know how to talk about my experience and when I try it doesn't sound like it makes sense. I think I just feel like I can't make sense of it myself so how could someone else understand. Though I know that other people understand loss so it's not logical. 

I want to self-medicate with substances and that makes me nervous, but it's hard to really feel the nervousness. I grateful to be aware of my hesitation and that opportunity to reflect on my substance use habits and cravings despite what I choose to do about it.

I'm generally uncomfortable. My body aches, my mind feels kind of floaty, very little feels exciting and my motivation is absolute crap right now.

I know I will get through this however imperfectly. 

I can't rush it

I can't control it

I can only exist

Itching for something

 I long for...

Something, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Several possibilities flit through my mind: sex, drugs, partnership?

I feel content in my life. School, friends, work, my housing is secure and comfortable. I am safe. And I finally feel safe. But I itch...for something. 

I book an appointment with my counsellor, hoping that our visit will bring me some clarity.

To be honest, I feel guilty that my life is so good and I just want something more. Is that just the experience of our society. Of capitalism? Never quite happy. 

I've felt lonely before, afraid of not finding 'the one'. Which I no longer believe in. But this kind of loneliness is no longer about 'the one', but it's about being in a pandemic and the continent being on fire and the daily visual landscape shrouded in smoke and folks wearing masks and wondering...what the fuck is going on.

It's easy to forget, like it's all a weird movie I watched and lingers on my mind. But the reality is that I'm scared and I don't talk about it because I'm afraid there's no space for my fear. I don't want to visit my grandma, when strangers get too close to me I feel sick to my stomach, I want someone that I trust to tell me everything is going to be okay, but sometimes I don't trust anyone. 

I want to trust in humanity, but I watch documentaries about the American prison system and I feel chills travel through my entire body. What the fuck is going on?

How do I continue to exist in a suspicious and malicious society? How does it not become contagious? How do I even make it from one day to the next. 

I'm exhausted. I'm feeling hopeless. I guess it's time to watch some Netflix.

Swirling Anxiety

 My mind spins around and around. I can't stop thinking of anything, everything. Bikes, people, money, work, school, things, netflix shows. It's all swirling around like an anxious mess. I try to breathe through it and turn it off, but there is only temporary relief. I attempt to praise myself for trying, but the feelings dissipates quickly and the building swirl resumes. It this anxiety?

I wonder what the meaning of anxiety really is. We talk about how more people are anxious these days. If it's normal, then can you really diagnose the majority? Isn't diagnosis for outliers? Am I normal? 

I fight thoughts that tell me I'm a bad person, incapable, unwell, broken, unlikable. I know they aren't true, but they feel so real.

I try to sleep, but I'm uncomfortable.

I wake up to swirling thoughts. 

Swirling thoughts are drowning me.

I have all these suggestions of ways that I have failed to manage them through past actions and choices. It only encourages them to grow louder.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Play music?

Being a Female Bicycle Mechanic

     After a few years break from working professionally with bicycles, I decided to return to the industry. I realize that I never truly left as I found places to volunteer and ways to maintain my own bike. It is a passion that I don't even need to try to involve myself with, it seems to follow me around wherever I go. I'm not complaining, bicycles bring me a ton of joy.

    The first time I built my own bike and took it for a test ride tears pooled in my eyes. It was literally one of the best moments of my life. Then to go on and use that bicycle to make a living by couriering...I was over the moon with my accomplishments. Buying a car and realizing I no longer had the freedom, independence and safety that fixing my own mode of transportation offered me was disheartening and I wasn't motivated to keep it for long. 

    Re-entering the industry, especially as a mechanic, was pretty terrifying for me. I could tell that my adrenals were going and I felt really attached to the outcome of my applications. I felt conspicuous when I went into bike shops, eyed by the many dudes with curious eyes, assumptions that I was applying for a sales position. Some of it in my mind and some of it real.

    Once I got a position, I was in disbelief. I sailed through my interviews with directness and honesty about what I was looking for and a feigned confidence that I didn't truly feel. My sense of feeling like it was a long shot seemed to give me a nothing-to-lose edge. 

    Why though? I have plenty of experience in different shops over the years. I am definitely qualified on paper and in reality. It just feels like no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm not really doing it. The story goes: Bike mechanics? That's not something I'm capable of.

    Even though I'm doing it, my mind is telling me I'm not. It's confusing and debilitating. It interferes with my work, my mental health, my interpersonal relationships with my colleagues. Half of my day is spent just convincing myself that I deserve to be there and I'm generally surrounded by guys that I feel cannot comprehend what I'm experiencing.

    Many of them are lovely, encouraging, patient and wonderful men that are willing and eager to teach me. Yet none of them understand the mental block that I'm experiencing. None of them can coach me through that aspect of the learning. 

    I know it's an exchange and that they likely learn as much from me as I them, but I don't think they realize or appreciate it. They are teaching me a skill that we are getting paid to do, I am teaching them something more invisible. I am teaching them how to be more compassionate people. How to appreciate the elderly, how to empathize with the queers, and how to contextualize their masculinity. Quietly I labor by their sides, suffering on multiple levels about the quality and quantity of my own contribution. 

    Drained, I'm spending my day off trying to collect the pieces of myself, eye twitching/appetite seemingly lost, endlessly grateful for my beautiful collection of friends that nourish my existence. Wondering if it's okay to do nothing, dabbling in things I consider productive and feeling like I'm living in a dreamlike haze. 

    I'm driven by the understanding that I am helping blaze a path for other sensitive individuals who might not have been able to see themselves in the culture of the trades. This fuels my passion and keeps me getting up in the morning and hopping on my bicycle. The ride in helps me prepare my mind for another strenuous workout and the ride home helps me calm my mind so I don't land at home only to dive into an unhealthy addiction.

    Will I one day feel like I belong? What does belonging feel like?    

Bike Shoppe Culture

I have been in and out of bike shops for at least half of my life, enjoying the maintenance of my own bicycle and the sense of accomplishment that wrenching on her ensured. I love the moment of clarity as to what I need to do next. The satisfaction of a well cleaned and lubricated chain. The smell of the various lubricants and tire, the meditative process of truing a wheel. I love wheels in general. The cute little ball bearings and the way they roll all over the place <3 

It has brought me a lot of joy over the years.

But it's not without discomfort. Bike mechanics are predominantly male and it's a bit of an alternative space. Being one of the few females in the room is an unusual experience that brings out the shy in me. Much like being the youngest in the room does. Or the most sensitive. 

So yesterday I did a trial at a local bike shop to work as a mechanic. Being new is difficult, wondering if my skills are enough, wondering if I'll be accepted. I think one of the harder things unique to this environment is wanting to be able to physically do the work. This is challenged at the outset having to bring your bicycle into the shop, down a set up stairs and then hang it up. I was tense in the process because I was nervous and I wanted to prove that I could do all the things, but it took my focus off my body and more into a 'proving myself' space which is less safe. What I realize is that I need to take my time and pay close attention to my body. 

At the end of the day my body was killing me. Terrible back pain, I spent my lunch break stretching and had to stop on my way home for a snack and a stretch. I'm still sore this morning. 

How do I spend my day surrounded by, mostly, men and be in my body? How do I feel safe enough? Time I guess. It's strange, but I feel like I need to build alliances before I can relax. Find protectors in the herd so that if someone gets threatening (I use this term in the sense of challenges me verbally, sexually, or even as a bystander to witness aggression) then I have someone to stand up for me. As I'm writing about what has been a predominantly unconscious endeavour, I realize that I'm at a point in my life when I'm enough of a protector of myself. I don't really need anyone, thought it is nice when people are welcoming and friendly. I don't think it's necessarily based on gender as to whether people are welcoming and friendly at new jobs though. My last job was predominantly female and there was also a variety of responses to me on my new day. I think women are more likely to pay lip service to being "welcoming", but actually if it's not genuine it's potentially even more threatening than just being authentic. 

Back to finding a protector. It's interesting because I think I used to buy protection with my sexuality. I felt that I needed to lure someone in and secure my status as protected by having sex with them. I recognize that this is not the case, and usually that would cause more problems and put me more at risk. It's comforting to have the opportunity to navigate this scenario with a lot more awareness. It's strange to admit the intricacies of my subconscious motivations. Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to admit in this public space, but I'm more inclined to focus on the release it brings me and the choices that arise for future by uncovering these mysteries.

Tahoe Rim Trail

I always enjoyed reading books about the Pacific Crest Trail. Even before the more popular book and film Wild came out. Then as a gift I was given the book by my sister-in-law. Guess she knew me better than I realized :D When I found out that the Tahoe Rim Trail and the PCT overlapped near where I was living at the time in Incline Village I was floored! Just before moving away a planned a solo trip to complete half of the TRT including the over lap on the west side of the lake. These are the notes that I took during the journey...

8/15/2017

Pier came out with me for the first night. Thankfully, because I was somewhat underprepared. She left me with an extra camelbak & her backpack. The one I was using didn't fit me well. Esp with it loaded full. One is in enough pain while backpacking, didn't need the extra discomfort. I did bring a 2nd water container, but lost it when we stopped to swim right at the beginning in Echo Lake. 

It was hard to say goodbye when Piera & I parted ways. We stayed at a tiny lake off the main trail & watched the sunset while scarfing a delicious beet salad she prepared at home to bring.

I'm so tired, it's hard to even think. Today I did ~10 miles, which is my goal for each day but there were a couple points towards the end especially where I was suffering quite badly just because my body hurt so much. My right ankle turned a few times & it didn't want me to walk anymore around mile 8. I climbed a 2000 ft pass all today. Luckily the clouds came and covered the sun so I wasn't overly hot.

I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to carry everything. It becomes so heavy but at times it feels easy as well. Strange.

I'm learning to walk more carefully between the right ankle and the left hip. I practically hobbled once I was over the pass & heading down again.

The sun is still up at 7 pm & all I want to do is go to sleep. Set my hammock up at 'Dick's Lake' for the night. 

I don't think my shoulders have ever hurt so much..

I've made a couple of concessions to keep the wild wild. One is wearing long sleeves & pants to protect myself from the sun so I don't get sunscreen in all the little lakes that I've been swimming in. 2nd I'm using baking soda as toothpaste which isn't pleasant but I'll survive & the 3rd is carrying my toilet paper out. It's tempting to bury it in a hole, but I'll do the right thing.

It's strange not having a cellphone. Not being able to call anyone for a chat. There's other people around but I haven't carried on much of a conversation yet I'm still enjoying being on my own.

If I did hike with someone, we'd have to plane in advance where we're camping for the night because I've always been more of a turtle than a hare. I must have take over 100 breaks. Some of them were a few seconds but I needed to stop a lot.

I hope it gets easier. I didn't want to train for fear I wouldn't go once I realized how hard it would be.

One thing I believe I prepared well for is the cold, but it has been quite warm lat night so I've got to test that theory.

Day 3:

Less hard, but still very challenging. My feet did not feel great for the last mile out of 10, but I was eager to get to Lake Richardson so I powered through the pain with few breaks. I think in the beginning there's some amount of doubt of whether I can walk the distance with a pack on, so I'm in a bit of a rush to make sure I make it but as time goes on I'm realizing that I can do it. I started around 7am & arrived at ~2:30pm. 7 1/2 hr = 10 miles w/breaks :)

I figure I average ~1 1/2 per hr. Sometimes I'm faster & sometimes slower, when I'm hobbling. You can tell when you're tired b/c you start tripping. It's strange to have so much time at my destination having stared early. But I'm also not as exhausted either. 

I made some friends along the trail. We were leapfrogging each other yesterday & again today & ended up at the campgrounds around the same time. We had fun playing cards & chatting & they fed me some hot food. [The hot food was 2 packs of ramen which I suffered through the night after because of all the sodium!!! Not the best choice] They are doing 1/2 my distance but are much more experienced at backpacking then I am.

It's nice to have companions but it also makes me miss my friends more. I worried at first that a friend might not walk at the same pace, but if you mapped out the journey in advance & planned your camps, then it could still work out.

One day I'd like to do such a thing with a partner. I saw a few families on the trail with kids around 7 or 8 years old.

Oh  by the way I saw my first bear last night & it was terrifying. Luckily I had my food in a bear-proof container, but I was supposed to then put the container aways from where I slept, which I didn't, thought I did the 1st night.

He came bounding through camp & the noise woke me up so I pulled down the edge of my hammock to see what was up & I saw him stop mid-stride to turn around & then listened to him sniff around me and my bear canister.

Day 4:

These insects are bearable when everything is going well, but after 18 miles they're really starting to bug me (Haha). Flies, wasps, mosquitoes! The forest sounds like a busy freeway. I don't even want to eat because the wasps will come. They come anyways. Seems like they're attracted to everything. One of the people I hung out with yesterday is allergic. At least if I get stung it just feels bad for a bit then goes away.

18 miles was a bit much. I was suffering at the end. I wanted to cry. I felt lonely. I did see 2 day hikers, but they weren't the friendliest. All the overnight hikers have been extremely friendly. I guess we're all a bit lonely out here. It's nice to stop for a chat even if only for a couple of minutes.

I didn't mean to hike so far. I was uncertain if I had reached the point where I planned to stop because there aren't a lot of signs only when there's a fork. I'm sure it's to keep the trail as wild as possible. By the time I realized I have definitely missed my stop, I decided I'd just head for the next water source. Maps make things look close by. I read the mileage in pieces as it's written on the map & failed to put all the pieces together. Once I was committed I had to make it because I needed more water. So here I am at McCloud waterfall. I'm camping in the woods because there is no sites here or anywhere after until I pass Tahoe City tomorrow, which is 8.5 miles away. It'll be nice to sit down for a fresh salad after those 8.5 miles & call my family since I'll have phone reception. Today was probably the longest day, I won't do more than 18 miles.

The sun is setting & it's cooling down after a surprisingly hot day. I packed up & started walking at 7am as the air was already hot.I like to start early to walk in the cool air for a bit, but there was none today. I thought it was a bit strange so I wasn't surprised when I started hearing thunder around noon.

It rained a little and oh the air smelled sweet. Nothing like the smell of the forest after rain. One of my favorite moments so far. I was thinking I might have to set up my tarp tonight, but the storm blew somewhere else, which is nice. Rain is fun, but I think I'd be nervous that all my stuff would be wet& heavier! It's already so heavy. I'd say between 50 & 60 pounds at least. Plus water & food. Ouch. My joints are still unhappy, but they don't hurt as much as the day before. There's no way I would have made 18 miles before today. I always end up at camp with the sorest feet I've ever felt. And I have the largest blister known to man! It's the size of the entire side of my big toe, where it meets the long toe. Hasn't popped yet & I'm hoping it holds off. It doesn't hurt too bad & I'm concerned it might once it pops.

Well it cools off quickly in the forest! I'm going to finish setting up camp.

It's funny because I was so worried about being cold at night, but so far I've been too hot. I'm still glad that I made the extra preparations.

Day 5:

It's 5pm & I've already set up camp by the side of the trail. It's the first time I've chosen to stop without my feet telling me I need to. I've set my tarp up over the hammock to hide from the wasps so I can eat in peace.

It started to rain so I set it up properly so I could hide my stuff under the hammock so as not to get wet. All I can smell is my stinky feet & all I can hear is the bug highway.

Another storm. Another muggy day. But it certainly is cozy under a tarp in a hammock. Last night I hung the hammock lopsided & kept sliding to one end all night. Hopefully I've rectified that for tonight.

I wonder if it'll rain a bunch or just drizzle like it is now. I'm thinking about putting the food away sooner rather than later. I don't think I'll brush my teeth tonight in order to conserve water because the next water source is several miles away.

I fixed the tarp more securely with heavy rocks. I'm quite afraid to tromp around too much off the main path because I haven't figured out what kind of dwelling the wasps live in & I definitely don't want to step on a nest.

I think yesterday is catching up with me because I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open but I still have 2 hours until nightfall. It's actually kind of fun to do side trips without all the weight. Just leave your bag somewhere. It's a relief to walk without weight. 

The sun is back out so looks like it may have cleared up already. 

One thing that's been difficult that surprised me is how hard I've found it to eat. I thought I'd be hungry all the time, but between the wasps & the exhaustion & the pain, hunger is one of the last things than concerns me.

Now that I've gotten a few more groceries & I filled my water containers to the brim, my pack is at it's heaviest so that's a motivation to eat. And I was uncomfortable going to bed on an empty stomach last night.

I thought I would have a hearty meal in Tahoe City, but I was too tired to walk to a restaurant & it was really hot outside due to the impending storm. So I got some stuff at the grocery store to make a big salad, spent a bit of money too to make it nice with avocado, tomato & cottage cheese. But the only place to sit was outside & while I was just assembling the salad the wasps were swarming me so I tried to eat it while moving around but the city wasps are bigger & meaner. They do not fly away with a little shoo & they look prepared to sting. It made me lose my appetite & I ended up tossing most of the meal sadly.

I'm thinking maybe I need to stop to eat a proper amount at least midday & then again at camp. So maybe I could make a makeshift tent to keep the wasps away at midday with the tarp. It would be worth the effort. I'll try tomorrow. Then eat in my bed in the evening with the tarp over me. Pesky things. There's thousands of them & one of the mountain bikers stopped to chat & told me it's the worst he's seen of them in over 30 years. Says he has a trap at home & has to empty it a few times a day.

I like it when people stop to speak to me on the trail. Such a friendly chat I have with each of them.

One more thing I don't want to forget. Right before I went to sleep last night I was feeling a little nervous & I thought 'wouldn't it be comforting to hear an owl hooting' & that was the first thing I heard when I woke up.

Day 6:

The bees are really getting me down. I feel like I spend my day trying to get away from them. I also miss having plentiful water around.

I'm feeling a bit over it. I had a hard time enjoying the day because it felt like every time I took a break I was swarmed. So I tried to just keep going, but I got too hungry. Yay! & I put the tarp over my head & tucked it around me & shovelled some food down as fast as possible because man @ midday it was HOT under that tarp. I twas still a stressful experience to eat but I'm glad I did. Make you appreciate a kitchen :) Then about 1/2 mile (though I didn't know it yet) from my destination I was just too pooped to keep on so I just sat on the trail & let them buzz around me, too exhausted to do much else. I put my pack away from me b/c that seems to attract them so at least they're partially distracted.

I may try setting up the tarp & hammock & take a loong break halfway tomorrow. Then I can eat in peace & cool & maybe I can walk a little further. I spoke to a couple at my current campsite (Watson Lake) who told me that Grey Lake is a pretty sweet place to camp, but it's 16.4 miles away. I think I can do it if I take that break & suck it up & take some good ones on the trail too. I'm arriving at camp earlier than I need to be anyway. Today was 11 or 12. I can do 4.4 more? We will see. Feasable.

I was a bit dehydrated today & I filled my bags all the way in Tahoe City. Probably part of the crabby feeling & the 16.4 is also the distance to the next water so more motivation.

*situate break*

Well I made some sweet friends & they gave me some fruit & veggies. Very kind. We chatted for a bit, John & Carrie. Things be looking up. I had to scramble for the first time to finish setting up camp cause it started to get dark while we were chatting it up. We had a glass of wine & now I have a pretty bad headache. I turned down a second for hydration sake & I'm glad for it. I'm hoping it'll help me sleep tonight to have had the one & perhaps also to know someone who is camping close by.

-------------------------------The End

That's all I wrote, but from what I remember the next day I hiked out and ended up hitchhiking back to my house because I was hobbling so much. I went straight for the giant jacuzzi tub and soaked all the grime off. Then I put on some flipflops and a loose dress and stumbled up to the grocery for mac and cheese, pizza and premade salad which I took home and devoured. 

As much as I suffered, I look back on this adventure extremely fondly. It felt really good to realize a dream and gave me the confidence, and preparedness, for future strenuous excursions.