I am heavy in mind and body. Not in an emotional way, but physically. I feel pinned to the couch and relaxed. There is so much I have learned and so much yet to be learned.
I've been contemplating the concept that 'the personal is political' and wondering exactly what it means in application. What came to mind, since I'm studying family counselling at the moment, was how much our upbringing is carried with us into our adult lives. That secrets, habits, values, coping styles are all things we learn originally from family members.
I wonder how much we try to recreate our families after we leave home. Do we search for figures that remind us of our siblings and parents, or aunts and grandparents to incorporate into our lives if we move away from them? Do political figures and bosses of companies try to run the ship like their father or mother ran the household? Are well all just recreating our past trying to understand and process it, using the members of our community as puppets while they try to use us for the same?
It can be extremely challenging when people don't behave as we want them to or expect them to. I know I've spent a lot of my life trying to inadvertently control others through what I say and do, or not say and not do. It's the invisible messages that I find most fascinating and frustrating.
I know we're taught in the counselling setting, if we don't name and have sight of our past, we will attempt to recreate scenarios with our clients, potentially believing in the moment that they are a member of our family and treating them as such. This is called countertranference, and it can happen with the client as well..transference. Recently I asked myself why I was afraid that something was under my bed and I realized that it was a great metaphor for unfinished business because if we're not acknowledging something in our lives, we con't have control if it arises in our dreams. That's what's under the bed, unfinished and ignored business.
I see cycles of the same thing happening in my life and wanting to change, but habits are so comfortable and familiar and they feel safe. It's a lot of work to identify them and try something new. It's terrifying to feel like I need the comfort of my habit and vulnerable and remind myself to try the new thing. Untethered. Unknown outcome. Perhaps it won't work, it it worth the effort, I'm tired from my day...lots of great excuses.
Not all patterns are repeated. My parents were married at 19/22 and had children at 30/33. Not my life, but these ages definitely felt potent for me. I guess the cycle was that I had to reevaluate my experience and wonder if that's what I was supposed? wanted? to do.
I love my life. Of course there are lots of challenges and fears, but for the most part I do things I enjoy, talk to interesting people, eat delicious things, want for little. Sometimes what I want for I already have. Some would call that capitalism. I think it's a mental health problem.
It's most often connection and care. Somewhere along the way, my circumstances led me to believe that I didn't have enough people I could relate to and even now that I do, it can feel like I don't. There's a lot of love in my life, but sometimes my system malfunctions and tells me otherwise. Warning! Warning! You are lonely, you are alone, you will always be alone.
I've come to understand that it's not true and even when I reflect on past times in my life where it felt true, I am starting to remember that there were people there for me. It was a brain malfunction. It was easy to push people away because I was arranging my reality how I perceived it, instead of perceiving reality as it is.
This is part of what family secrets do to you, especially when they impact you directly. It feels like you can't tell anyone because it would be a betrayal of your family. It feels lonely and heavy to carry it. Your family members most often don't discuss it openly because there's shame attached to it. It comes up at family reunions and things get super weird. It's lonely and it contributes to the shape of your reality.
Betrayal is an interesting thing. It feels very controlling, either feelings like I'm being controlled or gaining control. It's very potent and dark. Is betrayal intentional? Is it necessary at times? Is it evil?
The internet uses synonyms like disloyalty, bad faith, treachery. Do we sometimes need to choose between betraying someone else and betraying ourselves? Are we occasionally put in what feels like impossible situations where we need to choose ourselves or we feel like we want to die? Does betraying someone we love make us feel like we want to die anyway? How do we weigh the costs, especially when the telling is a betrayal and therefore there is no one to consult except the Goddess? Maybe the Goddess is enough of a consult.
I prefer not to be involved in harmful secrets anymore. I don't value being a vault for anyone, I think it's a false sense of intimacy and potentially...as I say this I think of the confidentiality of being a counsellor and secrets of clients. I guess that's different because I don't feel like stranger's secrets are as personal. Hmmm...I'm. not sure what I think.
Can we help to carry the weight of another's secret? Is that a characteristic of friendship? Motherhood? Counsellorship? Ministry?
The law designates what we need to tell, harm to children is at the top of the list. Some secrets are never safe after being told.
I guess I just don't want any secrets of my own to be kept to myself. I need to be an open book with trusted others. I am able to keep other's secrets, sometimes I need to process my reaction to them with others if they remind me about my own experience. Otherwise, I don't know that secrets can be considered inherently 'bad'. Just like everything...there is no black and white. No answer or definitive solution.
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