Miracles

I'm living a miracle. I've come to this conclusion in many ways recently, you know...serendipity. Life is literally a miracle and yet, it can be so easy to forget that. To forget the fact that I exist is a goddamn freaking impossibility as far as anyone can explain. It's hilarious!

It's magical to think about and I am magic. I am made of stardust, how much more magical could I possibly be??? Made of stars...phhhhhhh, I revel in amazement.

That isn't the only miracle, there are so many others floating around every day. The way I'm changing how I live my life. My brain and my ability to think super complex thoughts. Knowing the limits of what I understand is a miracle. Human connection is a miracle! Birth is a miracle!!!! How our bodies function is a FREAKING miracle.

I'm giddy just thinking about it all. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the stressful things, to focus on them. And I get it, the part of my brain wants to protect me and it's a little more active than the average persons. Maybe that's a super power? :D

My sensitivity could definitely act as a superpower if I was able to shift my thinking about it. I've considered it a burden for so long, but its got its benefits also. I'm aware of subtlety. Nuances in conversation, sensation, smell, aurally. Maybe not so much visually, but when I'm practicing visual art, I begin to hone in that way. 

I've felt frustrated by this sensitivity because the world can feel like too much, too overwhelming at times. Lately, since I've had a lot more time to myself during COVID, I can relax and feel overwhelmed by one thing at a time. Really pay attention to how different things make me feel. 

I don't want things to go back to 'normal'. I also want to enjoy what is and accept what will be. 

When there's a lot going on, it's harder to understand where my feelings are coming from. I'm not sure if that's important though.

In counselling we can either address the origination of client's feelings, or we can focus on how they're manifesting today. Different strokes for different folks. I like both when I'm the client. I find that I get insight out of the patterns that arise from the past and that can help me surrender longer standing habits. It's pretty amazing how we pick things up from our ancestors. 

The final miracle is that I'm sober. Being sober has turned my life around. I could easily say that I was pretty status quo when I drank, my life was very functional. A lot of people would say that my drinking didn't 'get in the way' of me living a normal existence. But it eroded my ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. It stunted my emotional and relational growth. It stopped me from dealing with the things that drove me to want to drink and forget. 

And you know what, I wasn't ready to and now I am. It takes capacity to make those choices and to deal with those things and I did it on the Goddess' time. I don't regret my experience, it was joyful and painful and it was mine. It made me who I am. And I am a miracle, made of stardust.