Quivering Heart

My quivering heart yearns for connection and fears that it is not available. This is an old fear, as now that I am sober and mentally well, I am able to recall moment upon moment of genuine connection: tears, laughter, silence, deep conversation. With myself, spirit and others. It takes time for the memory to catch up with reality. The fear that past hurts will resurface remains for some times.
I must experience this recall of the good moments to soothe my quivering heart. To gently coddle it with tenderness, with memories of tender. It is unsure, wanting to hope, but hope feels so uncertain and potentially not safe.
Hope is such an interesting emotion. It feels quite elusive, unknowing, is it really there? Hard to pinpoint in the body as it's quite gentle and soft. It allows us to use our imagination for what could be. To allow our creative thoughts to go wild and explode with possibility. What about this?! And this?! It's exciting.
Excitement is another strange emotion that I can often get confused with fear. Am I excited or am I anxious? It can be hard to tell. They have similar physiological characteristics: a buzzing in the chest and head, urge to move the arms and do, brightness in the eyes trying to see danger or incredible beauty.
It is irony such as this that gives me great joy to reflect on. Needing to catch the slightest, nuanced differences and really pay attention to know what's going on. If I'm caught up in the past then I will project that onto my current experience. A fearful past will always divert to fear, even if excitement is a possibility.
There's privilege in recognizing this. Privilege in having the time to contemplate it. In having the education to develop the tools of deep thought. In having the resources to have the time. In having the ancestors to encourage critical thought as a value. In being white, cis, able in a white not having to cope with visibly standing out.
These privileges are awkward to name, but I choose to take pleasure out of recognizing and labelling them. Despite my quivering heart, or for it, I recognize and feel gratitude for my privilege. It gives me the strength for fight for what is in my integrity. To know when something is not in alignment with my values and to speak up about it. To create waves in other ways despite not having the most popular opinion.
Be still my quivering heart, for we have won.