Chasing Magic

I believe in magic. I have experienced it in the wonders of the world, the intense nature of the earth, the images I've seen of the galaxy, my understanding of the universe, the connection I feel with other people. These are all experiences of magic.
Sometimes I'm not attuned to the magic because I get so caught up in feeling afraid that I can't survive. I rush around trying to "make ends meet", saying yes to every job and every opportunity and every request for friendship because I'm in fear. I'm afraid that there will never be enough money, or friends, or partners. That I'm a bottomless pit that cannot be filled.
Though I know that is not true, these feelings and thoughts live deep in my mind and hold vigil in my body: my thighs, shoulders, neck, tensing and ready to run and escape what feels like threat to my survival.
Being closer to home for several weeks has given me a chance to unwind my body and thoughts through pauses, yoga, meditation, time to think in a calm and relaxed way. With nowhere to go I can move about without wondering if there's something I'm missing, something else I'm supposed to be doing, someone else that I'm responsible to that I'm letting down.
Because of my privilege I live alone with no one to be accountable to except my landlords and occasionally my neighbours. And myself. And the Goddess. I am grateful for my circumstances. I wonder why I don't allow myself to rest on my privilege more often.
Why do I feel like my survival is threatened?
Who or what is the threat?
Perhaps I empathize with the earth and the homeless and the marginalized, as I have felt the pain of exclusion briefly and I cannot imagine a life filled with it at every turn. I don't understand how I can live in a world that harms, so much harm. Yet there is also beauty to witness. If I turn my eyes to the beauty will I forget the harm and will I stop being a 'good' citizen because people are suffering without witness?
But sometimes suffering is turned into beauty. Beautiful things arise from pain, coalitions and art and voices and connection. Is it my job to prevent others from getting hurt? What is my privilege for? Do I owe the world? How do I pay back? Is gratitude for and enjoyment of my privilege acceptable? Is it payment? Do I need to do great things? Do I need to suffer and struggle in attempts to do great things? Is my suffering helping anyone? Is anyone even noticing?
I want so badly to be useful, helpful, make a difference. And yet I know the discomfort of someone trying to help me when I don't ask. The feeling that I am being given what I do not actually need, that I cannot say stop because they are just "being nice" when they are just trying to fill a hole inside themselves and use me and my suffering to justify their own existence. This is a selfish act because they did not stop to listen or hear me and what I need, they took over, took responsibility, took away my agency.
I have been on both sides of this dance. Being selfish, taking away someone else's agency, knowing 'what's best' for them because it worked for me or because it's what I feel like doing for them. No actual care for them, I just want to feel better, feel 'good' about myself. Be able to say 'I am helpful', 'I am good'. 'I am worthy.'
Worthy.
Worthy.
Worthy.
Such a powerful word. It feels fierce and magnetic.
How is worth determined? Is it individual? We all have our own gauges for what is worth our time, money, friendship, energy, attention?
Worthiness comes from inside. But do we feel like it's a resource that we need to fight over? The helpers needing to help until they are so drained that they don't even notice that they are being thanked. Doing being so worshipped that we don't even stop to enjoy the feeling of pride, enjoyment, satisfaction? There's always more to have, to achieve, to want, to covet.
The magic is in between. In the pause. In the recognition of achievement. In the moment. So hard to find and yet worth...