I had such a scrumptious sleep last night, waking up feeling super refreshed with bright sunshine and music in my heart. A feeling of relief after a conflict was resolved with a friend last night. I am not proud that conflict consumes my mind so. In fact it is the consumption of my mind that is more difficult than that conflict itself. It is my emotional responses to things that create more shame than the actual stimulus. I am consistently judging myself for my emotional world.
This does not surprise me because emotions were discouraged when I was growing up. I got the message that they made you 'stupid' and unreasonable. Intelligence was held in highest regard and as a female I felt (and feel) that I have more to prove. It took me a long time to recognize that I was intelligent and I still feel sensitive about it sometimes.
I don't think I am alone in believing that emotions are the antithesis to intelligence, as this has been one of the biggest arguments around putting women into powerful positions in government and companies. So they are good enough to raise the men in those positions, but not good enough to assume those positions? Interesting logic.
So I wonder, what role do emotions play? Because I do think it is important to consider them when making decisions. Emotional health is a seriously important aspect of human lives and I think that it's being acknowledged in the public sphere more and more. It's also called mental health because when your emotional wellness is terrible, then you have mental health problems. Yet, I have not heard this connection voiced by anyone.
So to maintain my emotional wellness, it has been critical to start talking about the emotions I experience. Often, if I'm feeling resistant to doing something in particular, I've noticed that if I share it with someone I will likely be able to follow through. One example is that I'll be aware that the best thing for me is to go outside because I have been in all day working on schoolwork. I feel resistant to doing it, then shame for not taking good care of myself. The shame in response to feeling like I can't take care of myself will immobilize me to the point of not going outside at all. Then if I share about this experience with a friend or empathetic ear, even in a voicemessage, I can often go do my thing. It's pretty interesting.
So in the end I need others to take care of myself. I have learned how to ask for help. I know that I need others and there's no shame in that. I use to feel pretty distrusting of others so that made it more complicated. Now, there are moments of distrust, but I'm feeling a general sense of being closer to people and a part of things and like I belong.
So shame, is unavoidable, as Brene Brown will remind us. She mentioned in a recent podcast where she interviews Harriet Learner (AMAZING conversation) that one of the biggest misperceptions people have of her is that she doesn't feel shame anymore because she researches is. (I'm guilty of this thought). But it's not true. It's a human experience. Perhaps she recognizes it more quickly and potentially attends to it, I'm not sure. A friend of mine have this term: 'shame spiral', which I wrote about while I was in one in a recent post. It's shame on top of shame.
This is the immobilizing factor that I'm talking about. Where I know what's best, but I don't inherently feel motivated to do it. This happens with decisions around the food I eat, whether or not I engage in the physical activity I deem necessary, making mistakes in social interactions. Basically, around getting my survival needs met.
I'm actually having this insight as I'm writing. I knew that I had a fear that I would not be able to care for myself financially, but I did not realize that it was so deep as to meet my daily survival needs. I will have to ponder this. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for my suicide attempt in 2003. I gave myself the message that survival was not a priority:
Dear self,
I forgive you for your suicide attempt. I deeply understand what motivated you at the time (substance use, severe emotional conflict), but those factors are no longer present in your life. Even if new factors arise that put me in a similar position, I survived last time and I'll likely survive again. I have so many new skills to express and validate my emotional self. My self-awareness is a trillion times better. I have a healthy spiritual life. Strong communities that rally around me. I have repaired and deepened relationships with family members. I am amazing. I deserve forgiveness and I have worked extremely hard for it. While I am certain that you deserve to live a long and interesting life, if you did decide that suicide was the answer at some point I would still love you. You are lovable no matter what.
Love,
Yourself
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