Crocheting helps with depression

http://crochet.about.com/od/Crochet-Health/fl/How-Crochet-Helps-With-10-Symptoms-of-Depression.htm

The Female Dilemma of Love

A push and pull between future and fate
Desire pulls while the intellect pushes
A soft ground on which to lay
Warmth, comfort, intense sadness and despair

Are the whiplashes of joy worth the price
When comes the roller-coasters of indecision?
Would it be any different if I were alone
I know it would

It's a baseline which one has control
Rolling, rolling along in homeostasis
Your ups and downs attaching to whatever's available
Or unattached in a sea of calmed thoughts

A flow of thoughts from Grandma's house

When the light is soft & white/grey, I feel light & the sound of quiet infiltrates my desires, soothing my expectations I had of myself or those interactions of everyday life that suck your life force arid and salty. Life slows down & I wonder how it got so fast in the first place. Why does it feel so hard to maintain a sense of sanity & disposition? Racing around investing in what you thought was a dream, but now you're not so sure. Living a life that you thought was a thing but now it's just a blur. In sickness & health but what if sickness lasts forever. These are pessimist's thoughts, I know, they are my inner doubt. He has much to say & is closer to my core. My optimistic side bubbles & sizzles around my body, trying to diffuse the environment, inspire it, catch fire to it, down right exert some control. Controlled, controlling...Who's got the gear shift, ears lifted for the answer because it's so criss-cross & befuddled. We're all in trouble. "Don't muddle it up," said the parents. "Do it correctly," said the teachers. Is it okay to be a meat eater? Are we supposed to drink 1 or 2 litres? Stop watching, start creating the movies in the theatres! Maybe you could invent your own solar-powered winter heater. "It's up to you now," said the crooked ladies with highbrows, while their round-bellied husbands sat back & recited facts, dozing in & out of conversations never really sure of their destinations, but calling out clearly their frustrations. I'm right your wrong tug-of-wars breaking out, us little ones getting down on all fours, under the table. Not wishing to be called upon to clear this detailed fable. Rushing out to the bathroom or "oh just going to spend some time in my room." Going out fro a breath of fresh air, experiencing a change of scenery. Something to get me to where my mind is cleared, my voice is loud, my stance is strong & I'm proud of myself for getting with it. For taking the higher road rather than spitting out my core of pessimistic attitudes on the surrounding suckers.

I never wanted to be a crazy girlfriend...

I never wanted to be a crazy girlfriend, but as time goes on I realize that the crazy in me will come out at times one way or another and the best I can do is accept it. The more I try to resist and chastise myself for acting "crazily", the crazier I will become. There is just something about being in a relationship, or romantic interactions in general, that brings out some irrational and irreconcilable part of myself that I cannot predict or seemingly control. I get highly emotional, threatening, and dramatic. I am working on it, but have to be patient with myself in order to do so, and it is a slow process. Thankfully my partner has "a mature and patient love" for me, so he helps me to accept my own crazy.
Here I will confess some of my sins:
-irrational upset when partner doesn't answer phone
-fury upon partner not doing something he said he would, however small
-nagging of partner to stop smoking/drinking so much without empathy to habits changing slowly

     I've always had this little perfectionist inside me that is constantly nagging me to be better, eat better, live better, and also have the perfect partner. I know that perfection is not possible and if I could I would quietly kill her in her sleep and then I could live a less stressful life overall, but unfortunately it is not by knife or suffocation that she can be exterminated. Only by slow and patient reminders to myself and reflection upon the ways I have changed and dealt with my crazy. The times I've realized that I'm bored and restless and I start thinking "why the F*** isn't he answering his phone", that I catch myself and do something fun. I don't need to rely on my partner for my entertainment and to keep occupied. In fact, that would likely lead to the downfall of our partnership. Just sharing your life with someone brings all your shortcomings into your consciousness because you have another set of eyes observing your innermost thoughts and behaviours.
     I think I'm on the right track, just have to remember to breathe.

Routines with grandma

     Visiting a 92 year old woman is a respite from the busy noisy responsibility of city life. At grandma's house, every activity is an event on its own. From having a conversation to grocery shopping, a break is necessary on the way or in between and there is always a nap. I find myself following her routine like a disciple, hungrily awaiting the next lesson of life's simplicity. Where life is full of ice cream and reading books, I really cannot complain and am throughly enjoying myself. I am currently reading 4 books at the same time :)
     I have recently been looking into working in the field of wilderness therapy, the act of isolating oneself to bring out true emotions and work through situations that one needs to build perspective on. Being here has done the same: clarified thoughts, given me time to think and cry, to breathe, to remember how to relax, to make decisions and consider options for my future. The wilderness of grandma's house.
     We laugh and talk and I tell her about the internet, while she tells me about "fast" girls in her generation. She is fascinated by certain aspects of my life, while I wish she were more interested in others, and we play cards. Games always bring out a different aspect of a person that is delightful to experience. Teasing, name calling and self depreciation ensues. It feels like the most important thing in the world that you win that round for an hour or 2, and a wrong move can sting well after the game.
     But one of the most valuable things that comes plentifully at grandma's house is unconditional love. The generation removed really clears the stresses of having grown up in the same house as someone and having spent some of my favourite summers here gives me a sense of youthful happiness. I remember tasting macintosh apples for the first time, going to the farms and picking berries, and delicious raisin bran muffins from the oven.
     Grandma can't do a lot of these things anymore, she can't stand long enough to bake, she can't drive to the farms, or even bite into an apple. But it doesn't matter because I get to do those things for her now. She made my life better and I enjoy every opportunity to do the same for her.

Surviving relationships, making relationships survive

     When I was in my early teens I used to cry to my mother that I would never have a boyfriend, no one would ever love me. To this day, I'm not completely sure where these thoughts came from and why I was so distraught about them. It could've been because I was being bullied in school, or that my mother was at the height of her career and didn't have as much time for me as I would have liked, that I was having a difficult time having a positive relationship with my deaf father or because my best friend moved away. It was most likely a combination of all of those things, but translated into a desperate desire to be loved, not just by anyone, but by a boy.
     What followed was a series of both positive and negative interactions with boys, as I tried to navigate the waters of love. My definition of love was very much entrenched in the idea of being sexy, or sexually appealing. If someone were to want to have sex with me, then they must love me. Or so I thought at the time. Because I wanted to be loved so badly, I became indiscriminate about who I let have sex with me. And I would this purposefully, "who I let have sex with me", because these sexual encounters were a far cry from two people having sex together and very much me mentally checking out while someone did things to my body that I selectively chose to remember.
     Eventually one of my first reality checks was with a guy whom I had a mutual crush on for a few years, since the beginning of university. We had communicated over instant messaging over the years and hung out from time to time and finally we decided to have the sex. Afterwards, I convinced myself that it was a positive and very intimate and wonderful experience, but a few days later he let it be known to me that it was very uncomfortable and negative for him. Reflecting upon it I know that he was right and that I was in the habit of shutting off and twisting around what happened. It was a fantasy world that I lived in. Unfortunately he was hurt by this experience and decided to humiliate me to get back at me.
     But I would like to highlight my more positive experiences and this man ultimately did me a favour by pointing out the truth, that I was living in a false reality that was not bringing me joy or satisfaction. The truth will set you free and that was a turning point that started an upswing in my efforts to lead a more healthy and happy sexual existence.
     This effort was not without many more mistakes to come, as one does not change one's habits overnight. There were times I beat myself up because now I knew better and how could I still get caught in the same traps as I had before. One big element that needed to be evaluated was the amount of alcohol that I consumed. I didn't consider myself a big drinker, and it seemed as if the people around me consumed as much, if not more than I did. But my biggest reality check with my drinking was dating Tom. Tom was from Germany where the drinking age is much lower. I'm not sure if this is why or he just spent time with more wholesome friends, but he had never thrown up or gotten sick from drinking. This was a shock to me. Hadn't everyone in the world blacked out and thrown up and generally been irresponsible through the means of alcohol?
     Apparently not, and not only that, but as our relationship progressed i began sharing some elements of my sexual past with him and he was shocked into silence. He seemed to be more impacted by my experiences than even I was. At the time this felt tedious and annoying because he gave me the silent treatment and ruminated for hours about how badly I was treated, his "precious rose". It caused him much pain. Sometimes pain is too much to experience oneself and the only way to deal with it is to watch someone else have the "appropriate" emotions for you. I know this because I have done the same for another of my friends.
     But again this seemingly negative time was actually again a catalyst for me to come to terms with things and move forward with my life. Since Tom,I have had more positive than negative sexual experiences, become a lot more monogamous, and drank much less.
    And now I am in a self proclaimed monogamous highly communicative relationship with a wonderful man. Hard work really does pay off.