I'm feeling weak and powerless over my life. I feel like men have the opportunity to control me because of this position. I am vulnerable and it's been a constant battle to fight it. I want to be independent and I make all these noises about how I am, but my actions speak otherwise. When I feel that I am being treated unfairly I just hold the feeling of injustice in my chest until it's so tight I feel as if I am going to suffocate.
But the reality is that I don't always want to make decisions for myself. It's nice to have outside help sometimes. It's hard to make decisions. It's easy to be put in them. I guess it's the classic avoiding rejection by not putting yourself out there, but I put myself out there once I'm in a position that someone else has dictated.
I move around gravitating towards different family members, hoping that they can give me some answers. Or at least pin me down long enough to find meaning in the physical location I am in that I will decide to stay there. Some call me a 'free spirit'. That sounds nice, but I feel like a prisoner in my own head, my own body at times. Anxiety is my mind prison; tension is my body prison.
My chest has been so tight as of late. I guess I should listen to it, take it as a sign, make some changes to relieve it. I feel like I try to...meditate, exercise, eat well, sleep early, keep a schedule, reduce stressors. The more I try the less my efforts seem to work because it feel like I'm trying most of the time and if that were the case, wouldn't the anxiety lessen? Instead it feels bigger and heavier because I'm spending most of my day thinking about how to get rid of it.
Now I brought up men in the beginning because it has felt as if men have controlled my life more than women, although women do as well. As a heterosexual single woman, I am pulled in directions by my desires. My desire for romanic love, my lust, my insecurity and belief that one man will eventually marry me and take this insecurity away from me. Life me onto a higher plane.
My logic has learned otherwise. Anxiety is a state of mind and when men come into my life, I simple project my anxiety onto them. It is now time to blame them for it all. If only they would do as I expected then my anxiety would be gone as god intended in the first place. Hahaha.
So what is the answer? How do I lessen my anxiety? I believe that all the efforts I make are not futile really. Anxiety has been a state of mind for a long time and it's not going to go away over night. It's going to lessen very, very slightly with every honest effort. And then come back when I find something to stress over. So it's a tug of war that will hopefully win out for the best. I am going to love my friend anxiety and accept them for the mess that they are.
What did I think about when I wasn't trying to self improve???
