On Alcohol

 I used to blackout a lot. I mean what is a lot? I'd rather never do it again. I feel torn, is it worth drinking anything ever if it might lead me towards that behaviour again? Is it inevitable that it will result? I stopped drinking for 3 years and I remember moments where I felt so safe because I knew that I had so much more control over what was happening to me when I was sober and took awhile for it to sink in. It was quite profound. I feel a heaviness in being strict with myself. A sense of wary, not trusting. Alcoholism in the family. It's hereditary. It's genetic. My mother's drinking scared the shit out of me. My own almost killed me. Such evil possibilities seem to result. Accidents. Falling off the roof and breaking your back. It's soothing, alcohol. Suddenly you feel like everyone around you is a friend and it doesn't feel like work. Suddenly you're not sad anymore or having a bad day. It's a magic elixir that makes things easier, makes life easier. Maybe it even makes sex easier. Makes death easier. Last thing I want is to die from an alcohol related incident, including it being caused by another person and me being sober. One of my worst fears really. At the end of the day the only control I have is over myself. Safely drinking. Is it possible? 

Step 4: Anger at Men

 I feel furious at men. I feel a never-ending anger that seems to arise most days for the past few weeks. There's a feeling that in order to be in relationship with a man, that I have to put more emotional effort into one conversation than they do in a whole month (probably longer). That when conflict arises, if I don't address it, then it will pile up and continue to build. That if I didn't make plans with him, then we would never hang out. That I'm expected to receive rejection and then have no feelings in response. Then, I'm expected to then 'fix' everything so that he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable that I'm feeling rejected by the way he interacted with me. So there is no room for me to have an experience, my experience. I have to cater to his experience and his reality and his way. It's his way that's the correct way...right? The Way. Tired of this bullshit. Actually physically tired.   

My part: I've accepted this expectation. I've catered to all the men in my life, allowing their reality to be bigger than mine, more dominant. I've twisted and bent to make myself fit in to their lives, to learn their needs and their wants and to become those things. It's such a habit that I can barely notice that I'm doing it until I'm exhausted and then I feel too exhausted to do anything about it. Then, I feel like a victim to this world that doesn't really have a lot of space for me in it. I'm 'too much', 'too needy', 'too sensitive'. 

I'm sorry to myself for all the times I've made myself smaller and all the ways that I will continue to do so. Unsocializing myself is a process that may take longer than my lifetime. I will continue to initiate hard conversations, do the majority of resolving a conflict or negotiating both my own and my male friend's boundaries, do thoughtful things for him behind the scenes in ways that will never be reciprocated, and do the majority of coordinating spending quality time together. At least I'm aware now and I can potentially feel like it's a choice rather than a trap that I have to consistently fall into.

I'm sorry to all the men who have played this familiar pattern out with me as it benefits neither of us in our efforts to create sustainable and meaningful connections. I have loved and continue to love many of these men, but have had to reduce my connection to them because I'm just...tired. I'm feel exhausted, depleted, afraid.