Recently I was fired, my first time. I found out that it's a human experience. I'm part of a club. Several people told me their own stories of being fired. Some knew why and some suspected unfair treatment. At the end of the day it didn't carry the shame that I thought it was supposed to. In the movies being fired seemed to result from some egregious behaviour: a drunken blowout, theft... It seems that irl it's a bit more random: wrong place, wrong time, or perhaps not so wrong... I had an experience.
It was a management job, which was a totally new experience for me, and it reinforced some of the stereotypes that I think I already had percolating in my brain. Middle management comes with a lot of bullshit. There are lots of power-hungry and unhappy folks in the corporate-type environment, regardless of the work they are doing. I hope not to be jaded, I wonder if there are opportunities to work collaboratively elsewhere. I wonder if there are workspaces where power is acknowledged and accounted for, I know this was my own goal as a manager and it seemed to be successful. I felt successful at the parts of the job that were important to me.
It's a loss and it came with grief, but the grief is by no means complex. I had friends, lovers, and colleagues to soften the blow. I processed the grief with all the tools that I have learned in my therapeutic work without even realizing it. I shared the experience with others and I may have helped them to process some of their own fears and pain. For a week, I felt deeply cared for. Then I took off and went to another place where more folks could care for me. Gosh I'm smart.
Not just smart, but turning a corner in my life where I feel that I can allow others to care for me and really take it in. I trust that I am naturally a caring person at this point in my life. I don't need to try. I don't need to feel I'm extending myself. I am enough in my naturally caring state. I can just be. But receiving care is a whole nother enchilada and I am choosing to learn how to allow.
Allowing others to care for me is vulnerable. Am I inconveniencing them? Will they expect something from me in return? Do I need to entertain them while they care for me to make it worth it? Do I need to seem better because they're making an effort and I want them to feel like it's working?
Do I deserve it?
This last question is the foundation of not allowing. Have I earned enough credit doing my own caring of others and/or taking care of myself to now deserve to allow it to happen to me? Have I met the checks and balances of karma? Am I selfish? Am I a burden?
Again, this stuff is impossible to measure and a form of cognitive distortion. Reducing a complex thing like care and handing it to an accountant. The Accountant's Distortion. I choose to accept care if it's offered. I choose to offer it when I'm called. And I choose to trust that all will be well without this type of scorekeeping. And so it shall be, that and more.
ABUNDANCE EXISTS
