Singing is such a psychological mind-trick. I record myself quite often and during the recording I feel as if I'm giving the song my all, but I'll listen to it afterwards and I'm most often surprised at how timid and meek my voice sounds. It lack strength. This will come with time, I believe it is much like a muscle that needs to be worked out and it will slowly get stronger.
I feel as if there's a lack of confidence in my voice, not only while I sing, but also while I speak. I'm afraid to be heard, afraid to be ridiculed, afraid to be wrong. That is what I hear from my voice. A lack of commitment to myself. A lack of credibility. How could I not believe in myself? There is no other person in which I could believe more than myself.
I am sure that as I continue to exercise my voice, I will gain confidence in myself, in my beliefs, and my well-being can only improve. Singing or engaging in music is, to me, one of the healthiest activities that I can do for myself. If I'm feeling down and I pick up my ukulele for a few minutes, I cannot help but feel better afterwards. Just the act of singing regulates your breathing, your heart rate and your thoughts.
But it also brings me this underlying anxiety! I want it to sound good, to sound right, to be perfect. It can leave my chest tight with the pushing desire to expel my voice from my body. Like it's a fight, a battle between my mind and my vocal cords. A lack of understanding and belief in what they are capable of.
It's all about letting go, releasing yourself to the music. Relaxing into it, letting it carry you, floating, not thinking, meditating, playing. These are all feelings I'd like to associate with singing. My goals. I know that place exists and I know I'm heading there. Singing is my happy place and my happy place is about to dominate my life. As it should.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
On the Train...
The Train
When you're encased in a few rolling metal boxes, there isn't much choice but to sit back and enjoy the ride. At least from my perspective. All the food I need for 4 nights, all my belongings stuffed into a backpack and my bicycle safe in the luggage car. Everything that I need. It's amazing how little we really need. I only really want what I need and I appreciate the extras. But when food is scarce and I force myself to shovel down some 3 day old cooked potatoes, greasing them up with mayonnaise so they slip down my throat easier, I feel alive. I have become adept on living below the "poverty line". Whatever that means. All I know is that I don't pay taxes. I definitely lead a pretty good life despite it. I have to admit I do get some money from family which allows me to feel generous and take my friends out for dinner and also allows a certain amount of security that people below the "poverty line" don't all have.
The days are passed in the observation car, the nicotine-addicted awaiting the next stop so they can get their fix. You can feel each stop drawing closer as the fiends' energy builds anticipating the relief of nicotine. Ahhhh…. Makes me glad I don't smoke because that feeling of relief is not worth all the anxiety that is created in the first place, vicious cycle. I portion out my reading because I only have one book which I am really enjoying, so I'm savouring it slowly. There is no reason to rush, no possibility to be in a hurry. Where are you going to go? Every evening I get up and rock out at some point to release some stagnant energy of sitting around so much. Especially in the morning when you "wake up" having rested your eyes in positions that you didn't even know you could get into, everything cracking (mostly) back into place. But it'll take days for my body to really return to a comfortable state of being. A few deep sessions of yoga.
It's a psychological process to cross the country by land, to be able to observe every foot as you pass it, to briefly pass through cities that you've heard of all your life but have never been to. To meet people with all different stories and watch them come together and split apart as the train stops and spits them out, only to swallow new friends and companions for brief conversations, moments of eye contact, and maybe even some jam sessions. The energy building and waning, perspectives mixing and matching and clashing and banging around the metal boxes. Laughter echoing into the moments past, tears shed quietly in a corner seat, and stolen kisses in the middle of the night under a stained sleeping bag.
It's real. This is life crunched into a metal box and hidden under the bed. People, places, experiences happing NOW. It's all happening and we got nothing but time to be a part of it all.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Death to Romance
Life is good. Times are good. I have so many wonderful people in my life, so much going on, so much to be grateful for. Life is so good.
Hah. Despite it all, there is a darkness churning in my heart when it come to romance. It is the perceived idea of romance that I am speaking of and I would like to kill it dead. It's fake, it's a notion, it does not really exist. It disappoints, it saps your energy, and it's lies. All lies!
Real intimacy is just that, intimacy. Not romance, but connection, beauty shared between two souls, vulnerability.
I need to reclassify. My life is already FULL of intimacy. I am grateful to all the people that trust me enough to share their innermost thoughts and feelings and ideas and laugh with me about mine. About our human predicaments and expectations and experiences. We are funny...humans.
Thank you god for creating me as this beautiful and imperfect being that cartwheels and skips through life because that's what life is for.
My dad taught me how to skip. That's what dads are for.
Romance is a figment of our imagination. Romance is a word that keeps us wanting more, that keeps us from appreciating what we already have. Our romance is with god. Intimacy is already happening.
Just look around you and open your heart.
Hah. Despite it all, there is a darkness churning in my heart when it come to romance. It is the perceived idea of romance that I am speaking of and I would like to kill it dead. It's fake, it's a notion, it does not really exist. It disappoints, it saps your energy, and it's lies. All lies!
Real intimacy is just that, intimacy. Not romance, but connection, beauty shared between two souls, vulnerability.
I need to reclassify. My life is already FULL of intimacy. I am grateful to all the people that trust me enough to share their innermost thoughts and feelings and ideas and laugh with me about mine. About our human predicaments and expectations and experiences. We are funny...humans.
Thank you god for creating me as this beautiful and imperfect being that cartwheels and skips through life because that's what life is for.
My dad taught me how to skip. That's what dads are for.
Romance is a figment of our imagination. Romance is a word that keeps us wanting more, that keeps us from appreciating what we already have. Our romance is with god. Intimacy is already happening.
Just look around you and open your heart.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Heartbreak
My heart feels like it is broken. The person I love, loves another instead. I believe it is a sign that I am not ready to love myself that I am chasing after someone that does not want to love me back. Chasing, chasing, chasing... It can go on forever.
You see, said person spoke words that they did not want to be with me, but their actions spoke otherwise. I think telling someone the dark secret that you don't really want what they do is insurance that later on when they actually hear the words that you are saying, you then cannot be blamed because you had been saying them from the beginning.
It's just hard to hear words through all the other sensations that I experience when someone is showing me physical love. The auditory stuff sort of gets put to the side. Because I want what I want and I see what I want because that is what I want to see. WANT! WANT! Like a toddler. It is what I want so it must be there for the taking...Haha. *slight grimace*
It's an attitude thing and something I need to work on and change. Especially when it comes to romance. I need to figure out how to stop wanting a partner so badly. To be loved in the way my imaginary partner loves me. So I need to grow up. I need to do all the things I want to do for and by myself while I have the chance. Mostly creative things, in order to build my confidence. I need to start succeeding at my goals. I need to set my goals do I can achieve them. Realistic goals.
1. Perform musically before I leave Incline Village.
2. Purchase a car so I can be free!
3. Continue working out.
4. 1 art project per week.
5. Let go of silly ideas of romance. Only pursue someone that wants to be pursued and wants to pursue me back whole-heartedly.
Yay. That is a fantastic start. I am pleased.
You see, said person spoke words that they did not want to be with me, but their actions spoke otherwise. I think telling someone the dark secret that you don't really want what they do is insurance that later on when they actually hear the words that you are saying, you then cannot be blamed because you had been saying them from the beginning.
It's just hard to hear words through all the other sensations that I experience when someone is showing me physical love. The auditory stuff sort of gets put to the side. Because I want what I want and I see what I want because that is what I want to see. WANT! WANT! Like a toddler. It is what I want so it must be there for the taking...Haha. *slight grimace*
It's an attitude thing and something I need to work on and change. Especially when it comes to romance. I need to figure out how to stop wanting a partner so badly. To be loved in the way my imaginary partner loves me. So I need to grow up. I need to do all the things I want to do for and by myself while I have the chance. Mostly creative things, in order to build my confidence. I need to start succeeding at my goals. I need to set my goals do I can achieve them. Realistic goals.
1. Perform musically before I leave Incline Village.
2. Purchase a car so I can be free!
3. Continue working out.
4. 1 art project per week.
5. Let go of silly ideas of romance. Only pursue someone that wants to be pursued and wants to pursue me back whole-heartedly.
Yay. That is a fantastic start. I am pleased.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Teenage Love & Babies
Two things that have been on my mind of late. Teenage love. Ahhhh. Those obsessive days when you first felt the genuine interest of the opposite sex. Talking on the phone all night, having your mother pick up and scold you in the middle of using your words to love each other, over and over and over and over. I see the teens around me now. Holding hands, looking adoringly at one another. It was an emotional time. Up and down.
That kind of emotion has faded a bit over time, but the potential of romantic love still brings both joy and anxiety. There is (slightly) less obsession than when we were teenagers, but it's still there. I can still think about my significant other pretty constantly. I don't know if it's the newness, or the uncertainty of the future, or all of the above and more.
Babies. I think about having babies more and more. I find myself actually happy to imagine that I might be pregnant and it terrifies and delights me equally. I have not felt such a strong desire for something that I considered so, so BAD. Having babies was never for Miss Independence. I wanted forever to be free. What is happening to me???
I want to fast-forward into the life where someone cares enough for me to make me their wife and we prepare a home so that we can welcome a child onto this earth. It sounds stupid..."cares enough for me"...sounds so helpless. What about me for them? It's so insecure. A thought loop that has been going on for too long. Awww..poor me.
What would I want my new loop to be? I want to be satisfied with where I am. But it's difficult to fight this desire to have a child, to conceived. Is it mental...yes? But also physical, hormonal, social. I want to find someone that I can love enough to have a child with. Who we can be patient enough with each other that we can make the time to prepare a home in order to receive a child into our world. Our own little world that we handcrafted.
I want to feel good about myself. Feel that I deserve to be loved. That I can be loved. That I don't need to want love, but recognize that love is already there. Be grateful for the love I already have. I have a friend who recently told me every morning she takes the time to journal for what she is grateful for. Hey! What a great way to start the day. So here we go...
1. I have a loving network of family in 2 different countries that would do just about anything for me. I have taken the time and made the effort to uphold close and heartfelt relationships with them and I am happier for it.
2. I am an independent and mostly happy individual. I am able to provide for myself financially, I cook delicious food for myself, I bathe myself regularly, I entertain myself with music and art and heartfelt friendships. I am able to interact with the public in a generally upbeat and positive way.
3. I contribute to my community. I do various volunteer work. I make efforts to enhance my community and that is an important effort for me. I like to bring joy to the lives of those around me when I can.
4. I make efforts to keep a health mind and body and to be a good role model to those around me. I know that I am not perfect, but I do a pretty good job.
5. I am grateful that I am me. I love myself and I do not have strong desires to take over anyone else's life. Sometimes when I see people with babies, I feel a sense of longing, but that is okay.
That kind of emotion has faded a bit over time, but the potential of romantic love still brings both joy and anxiety. There is (slightly) less obsession than when we were teenagers, but it's still there. I can still think about my significant other pretty constantly. I don't know if it's the newness, or the uncertainty of the future, or all of the above and more.
Babies. I think about having babies more and more. I find myself actually happy to imagine that I might be pregnant and it terrifies and delights me equally. I have not felt such a strong desire for something that I considered so, so BAD. Having babies was never for Miss Independence. I wanted forever to be free. What is happening to me???
I want to fast-forward into the life where someone cares enough for me to make me their wife and we prepare a home so that we can welcome a child onto this earth. It sounds stupid..."cares enough for me"...sounds so helpless. What about me for them? It's so insecure. A thought loop that has been going on for too long. Awww..poor me.
What would I want my new loop to be? I want to be satisfied with where I am. But it's difficult to fight this desire to have a child, to conceived. Is it mental...yes? But also physical, hormonal, social. I want to find someone that I can love enough to have a child with. Who we can be patient enough with each other that we can make the time to prepare a home in order to receive a child into our world. Our own little world that we handcrafted.
I want to feel good about myself. Feel that I deserve to be loved. That I can be loved. That I don't need to want love, but recognize that love is already there. Be grateful for the love I already have. I have a friend who recently told me every morning she takes the time to journal for what she is grateful for. Hey! What a great way to start the day. So here we go...
1. I have a loving network of family in 2 different countries that would do just about anything for me. I have taken the time and made the effort to uphold close and heartfelt relationships with them and I am happier for it.
2. I am an independent and mostly happy individual. I am able to provide for myself financially, I cook delicious food for myself, I bathe myself regularly, I entertain myself with music and art and heartfelt friendships. I am able to interact with the public in a generally upbeat and positive way.
3. I contribute to my community. I do various volunteer work. I make efforts to enhance my community and that is an important effort for me. I like to bring joy to the lives of those around me when I can.
4. I make efforts to keep a health mind and body and to be a good role model to those around me. I know that I am not perfect, but I do a pretty good job.
5. I am grateful that I am me. I love myself and I do not have strong desires to take over anyone else's life. Sometimes when I see people with babies, I feel a sense of longing, but that is okay.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
My friend Anxiety
I'm feeling weak and powerless over my life. I feel like men have the opportunity to control me because of this position. I am vulnerable and it's been a constant battle to fight it. I want to be independent and I make all these noises about how I am, but my actions speak otherwise. When I feel that I am being treated unfairly I just hold the feeling of injustice in my chest until it's so tight I feel as if I am going to suffocate.
But the reality is that I don't always want to make decisions for myself. It's nice to have outside help sometimes. It's hard to make decisions. It's easy to be put in them. I guess it's the classic avoiding rejection by not putting yourself out there, but I put myself out there once I'm in a position that someone else has dictated.
I move around gravitating towards different family members, hoping that they can give me some answers. Or at least pin me down long enough to find meaning in the physical location I am in that I will decide to stay there. Some call me a 'free spirit'. That sounds nice, but I feel like a prisoner in my own head, my own body at times. Anxiety is my mind prison; tension is my body prison.
My chest has been so tight as of late. I guess I should listen to it, take it as a sign, make some changes to relieve it. I feel like I try to...meditate, exercise, eat well, sleep early, keep a schedule, reduce stressors. The more I try the less my efforts seem to work because it feel like I'm trying most of the time and if that were the case, wouldn't the anxiety lessen? Instead it feels bigger and heavier because I'm spending most of my day thinking about how to get rid of it.
Now I brought up men in the beginning because it has felt as if men have controlled my life more than women, although women do as well. As a heterosexual single woman, I am pulled in directions by my desires. My desire for romanic love, my lust, my insecurity and belief that one man will eventually marry me and take this insecurity away from me. Life me onto a higher plane.
My logic has learned otherwise. Anxiety is a state of mind and when men come into my life, I simple project my anxiety onto them. It is now time to blame them for it all. If only they would do as I expected then my anxiety would be gone as god intended in the first place. Hahaha.
So what is the answer? How do I lessen my anxiety? I believe that all the efforts I make are not futile really. Anxiety has been a state of mind for a long time and it's not going to go away over night. It's going to lessen very, very slightly with every honest effort. And then come back when I find something to stress over. So it's a tug of war that will hopefully win out for the best. I am going to love my friend anxiety and accept them for the mess that they are.
What did I think about when I wasn't trying to self improve???
But the reality is that I don't always want to make decisions for myself. It's nice to have outside help sometimes. It's hard to make decisions. It's easy to be put in them. I guess it's the classic avoiding rejection by not putting yourself out there, but I put myself out there once I'm in a position that someone else has dictated.
I move around gravitating towards different family members, hoping that they can give me some answers. Or at least pin me down long enough to find meaning in the physical location I am in that I will decide to stay there. Some call me a 'free spirit'. That sounds nice, but I feel like a prisoner in my own head, my own body at times. Anxiety is my mind prison; tension is my body prison.
My chest has been so tight as of late. I guess I should listen to it, take it as a sign, make some changes to relieve it. I feel like I try to...meditate, exercise, eat well, sleep early, keep a schedule, reduce stressors. The more I try the less my efforts seem to work because it feel like I'm trying most of the time and if that were the case, wouldn't the anxiety lessen? Instead it feels bigger and heavier because I'm spending most of my day thinking about how to get rid of it.
Now I brought up men in the beginning because it has felt as if men have controlled my life more than women, although women do as well. As a heterosexual single woman, I am pulled in directions by my desires. My desire for romanic love, my lust, my insecurity and belief that one man will eventually marry me and take this insecurity away from me. Life me onto a higher plane.
My logic has learned otherwise. Anxiety is a state of mind and when men come into my life, I simple project my anxiety onto them. It is now time to blame them for it all. If only they would do as I expected then my anxiety would be gone as god intended in the first place. Hahaha.
So what is the answer? How do I lessen my anxiety? I believe that all the efforts I make are not futile really. Anxiety has been a state of mind for a long time and it's not going to go away over night. It's going to lessen very, very slightly with every honest effort. And then come back when I find something to stress over. So it's a tug of war that will hopefully win out for the best. I am going to love my friend anxiety and accept them for the mess that they are.
What did I think about when I wasn't trying to self improve???
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Sunday, May 31, 2015
On patience...
Patience is a fleeting thing
It flies away on fairy wings
It dances, prances across the show
disappears, an afterglow
The fury that doth takes it's place
a windy road, a fiery chase!
An argument that no one wins
between you and your kin
You slam the door
(just in your head)
And throw yourself
Upon your bed
Deep breaths you try
to gulp them in
but they're waiting upstairs
those sharks with fins
Little do they even know
how you view them
Don't let it show
Because at night you lie awake
And wish them well
For your own future elderly self's sake
It flies away on fairy wings
It dances, prances across the show
disappears, an afterglow
The fury that doth takes it's place
a windy road, a fiery chase!
An argument that no one wins
between you and your kin
You slam the door
(just in your head)
And throw yourself
Upon your bed
Deep breaths you try
to gulp them in
but they're waiting upstairs
those sharks with fins
Little do they even know
how you view them
Don't let it show
Because at night you lie awake
And wish them well
For your own future elderly self's sake
Monday, May 25, 2015
On the deep water...
On the deep water
I sail
I sail and see
my imagination prancing around on the waves
full of life
full of stimulation
full of energy
Life
On the deep water
I sail
I sail and do
all the things I want to
I laugh and cry, and cook
I sleep and dance and free my voice
I live
Life
On the deep water
there are things
or lack of things
that busyness
that bustling
the city
the roads
Life
Romance on hold
Brother on hold
Sister on hold
Lifestyle on hold
Housing on hold
Life...
Not on hold
I sail
I sail and see
my imagination prancing around on the waves
full of life
full of stimulation
full of energy
Life
On the deep water
I sail
I sail and do
all the things I want to
I laugh and cry, and cook
I sleep and dance and free my voice
I live
Life
On the deep water
there are things
or lack of things
that busyness
that bustling
the city
the roads
Life
Romance on hold
Brother on hold
Sister on hold
Lifestyle on hold
Housing on hold
Life...
Not on hold
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Where is the love
I float around from place to place, first on purpose, but then the momentum keeps me going even though I thought I had put on the brakes. 5 countries, 10 cities, and 60 different roommates. It began with my desire to find something, never really sure what or who it was. And it continues in my desire to find love and closeness in family because perhaps that is tied to the answer that I am looking for.
Being around my grandparents makes feel feel truly and completely loved and cared for. A feeling that I had always hoped to get from a partner, but have not been able to find. Not necessarily because of the partners' lack, although that is perhaps a factor, but also because of my own inability to feel loved. I know that it is a problem for me, but with my grandparents I am able to allow myself to feel love, truly and completely. Their love is a caring love, a wholesome love, an uncomplicated love.
Parents are another story, it's messy and difficult, too close, too much. Their needs and mine clashing in the tedium of everyday life while growing up. Now, having grown up, still trying to sort out the shaky moments and their meanings. Trying to come to peace with the difficult to make room for the laughter and the fun and wanting to be able to feel their love too.
I'm not sure why I doubted my parent's love for me. I used to tell my mother that she didn't really love me all the time and when I was older and my father told me in a letter that he did, I found myself surprised. I don't blame them, but I'd like to understand what happened better. I want to change my thinking because logically I am sure their love exists and sometimes I am able to feel it. Is it just normal to have such conflict with parents?
I don't feel ready to have children or be in a committed relationship until I sort it out. How can I teach a small person to feel love when I don't know how? How can I make another feel my love when I can't feel theirs? How can I even stay interested in a relationship when sometimes I don't feel loved? How do I find my love?
One day at a time I do. I find love when I speak up for myself, when I voice my opinions, when I sing out loud, when I dance freely, when I exercise, eat well and resist foods that irritate my stomach. When I write, when I read books that I enjoy, when I allow myself to feel compliments, when I love, when I am loving.
Being around my grandparents makes feel feel truly and completely loved and cared for. A feeling that I had always hoped to get from a partner, but have not been able to find. Not necessarily because of the partners' lack, although that is perhaps a factor, but also because of my own inability to feel loved. I know that it is a problem for me, but with my grandparents I am able to allow myself to feel love, truly and completely. Their love is a caring love, a wholesome love, an uncomplicated love.
Parents are another story, it's messy and difficult, too close, too much. Their needs and mine clashing in the tedium of everyday life while growing up. Now, having grown up, still trying to sort out the shaky moments and their meanings. Trying to come to peace with the difficult to make room for the laughter and the fun and wanting to be able to feel their love too.
I'm not sure why I doubted my parent's love for me. I used to tell my mother that she didn't really love me all the time and when I was older and my father told me in a letter that he did, I found myself surprised. I don't blame them, but I'd like to understand what happened better. I want to change my thinking because logically I am sure their love exists and sometimes I am able to feel it. Is it just normal to have such conflict with parents?
I don't feel ready to have children or be in a committed relationship until I sort it out. How can I teach a small person to feel love when I don't know how? How can I make another feel my love when I can't feel theirs? How can I even stay interested in a relationship when sometimes I don't feel loved? How do I find my love?
One day at a time I do. I find love when I speak up for myself, when I voice my opinions, when I sing out loud, when I dance freely, when I exercise, eat well and resist foods that irritate my stomach. When I write, when I read books that I enjoy, when I allow myself to feel compliments, when I love, when I am loving.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
The Distance...
I thought that I knew all the things that I do to be alright
I play the guitar and I look very far into the distance
I play the guitar and I do my art out into the distance
I've a bunch of different colours and it's all from the heart
And I ride my bike till I feel like I'm in flight
And I dodge all the cars, I could make it to mars
And when I sing my song, my feelings move along
In the distance
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Building Blocks
There's a limit to how much we know
A hindrance to creating a flow
Of building ideas to a towering size
Them toppling down to our surprise
Start at the basics, one at a time
Using your skills and using your rhymes
It doesn't matter, all you can see
Will be irrelevant faster than
one
two
.....
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Internet killed my romance
I'm sure many people will disagree, in fact their force is growing in numbers, but this whole online meeting and dating and getting married situation just doesn't jive with how I always imagined romance. My first instinct is sadness. But maybe my fairytale of romance needs to die, in fact I'm sure it does, and it's sad and slow and it's painful, but it's reality man. Romance is a crock of s***. All of the versions of romance that I grew up with got me nowhere and did me a disservice. If I only had reality in mind then I would have been a lot less disappointed overall.
Romance is trying hard. Romance is perseverance in the face of obstacle. To work hard for a relationship is the glue that holds it together...right? At what point should you stop trying? When they're a drug addict?, when they're verbally abusing you?, when you 'feel' like it?
Romance is addictive, it's mysterious, it's always OUT OF REACH. And it won't let me stop wondering what I'm doing wrong. Because there must be something.
Never satisfied; always thinking it could be better. What about that cute guy? I'm sure that we would be great together and there would be no problems even though he's a drug addict, alcoholic...he'll just magically give it all up if only I were with him...right?
Love conquers all. Love will change your partner so that they magically suit you perfectly. Your soul mate should just appear and everything should just work out and how come I can't give up this fantasy even though I'm nearing 30?
I thought I would be married by now even though I had rehearsed to many along the way that I didn't know if I believed in marriage. It felt assumed and I don't like assumptions, but secretly I assumed to myself. But I'm not, not even close, not even a glimmer in my future. And I don't want to make that my aim or my goal. Ideally I want to be happy with myself and by myself, like my mother told me all my life I should be. Not that she ever has been.
I want to love something else other than men, like art, music, culture. I want to obsess about it as much as I obsessed about boys growing up. I felt like I wasted so much energy worrying about being sexually attractive that I didn't even really start my life until more recently.
I don't know how to care about something that is not human as passionately, although I do love animals and plants and water. But I'm not 'in love' with those things. So get to know them more intimately???
Romance is trying hard. Romance is perseverance in the face of obstacle. To work hard for a relationship is the glue that holds it together...right? At what point should you stop trying? When they're a drug addict?, when they're verbally abusing you?, when you 'feel' like it?
Romance is addictive, it's mysterious, it's always OUT OF REACH. And it won't let me stop wondering what I'm doing wrong. Because there must be something.
Never satisfied; always thinking it could be better. What about that cute guy? I'm sure that we would be great together and there would be no problems even though he's a drug addict, alcoholic...he'll just magically give it all up if only I were with him...right?
Love conquers all. Love will change your partner so that they magically suit you perfectly. Your soul mate should just appear and everything should just work out and how come I can't give up this fantasy even though I'm nearing 30?
I thought I would be married by now even though I had rehearsed to many along the way that I didn't know if I believed in marriage. It felt assumed and I don't like assumptions, but secretly I assumed to myself. But I'm not, not even close, not even a glimmer in my future. And I don't want to make that my aim or my goal. Ideally I want to be happy with myself and by myself, like my mother told me all my life I should be. Not that she ever has been.
I want to love something else other than men, like art, music, culture. I want to obsess about it as much as I obsessed about boys growing up. I felt like I wasted so much energy worrying about being sexually attractive that I didn't even really start my life until more recently.
I don't know how to care about something that is not human as passionately, although I do love animals and plants and water. But I'm not 'in love' with those things. So get to know them more intimately???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)