Life is good. Times are good. I have so many wonderful people in my life, so much going on, so much to be grateful for. Life is so good.
Hah. Despite it all, there is a darkness churning in my heart when it come to romance. It is the perceived idea of romance that I am speaking of and I would like to kill it dead. It's fake, it's a notion, it does not really exist. It disappoints, it saps your energy, and it's lies. All lies!
Real intimacy is just that, intimacy. Not romance, but connection, beauty shared between two souls, vulnerability.
I need to reclassify. My life is already FULL of intimacy. I am grateful to all the people that trust me enough to share their innermost thoughts and feelings and ideas and laugh with me about mine. About our human predicaments and expectations and experiences. We are funny...humans.
Thank you god for creating me as this beautiful and imperfect being that cartwheels and skips through life because that's what life is for.
My dad taught me how to skip. That's what dads are for.
Romance is a figment of our imagination. Romance is a word that keeps us wanting more, that keeps us from appreciating what we already have. Our romance is with god. Intimacy is already happening.
Just look around you and open your heart.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Heartbreak
My heart feels like it is broken. The person I love, loves another instead. I believe it is a sign that I am not ready to love myself that I am chasing after someone that does not want to love me back. Chasing, chasing, chasing... It can go on forever.
You see, said person spoke words that they did not want to be with me, but their actions spoke otherwise. I think telling someone the dark secret that you don't really want what they do is insurance that later on when they actually hear the words that you are saying, you then cannot be blamed because you had been saying them from the beginning.
It's just hard to hear words through all the other sensations that I experience when someone is showing me physical love. The auditory stuff sort of gets put to the side. Because I want what I want and I see what I want because that is what I want to see. WANT! WANT! Like a toddler. It is what I want so it must be there for the taking...Haha. *slight grimace*
It's an attitude thing and something I need to work on and change. Especially when it comes to romance. I need to figure out how to stop wanting a partner so badly. To be loved in the way my imaginary partner loves me. So I need to grow up. I need to do all the things I want to do for and by myself while I have the chance. Mostly creative things, in order to build my confidence. I need to start succeeding at my goals. I need to set my goals do I can achieve them. Realistic goals.
1. Perform musically before I leave Incline Village.
2. Purchase a car so I can be free!
3. Continue working out.
4. 1 art project per week.
5. Let go of silly ideas of romance. Only pursue someone that wants to be pursued and wants to pursue me back whole-heartedly.
Yay. That is a fantastic start. I am pleased.
You see, said person spoke words that they did not want to be with me, but their actions spoke otherwise. I think telling someone the dark secret that you don't really want what they do is insurance that later on when they actually hear the words that you are saying, you then cannot be blamed because you had been saying them from the beginning.
It's just hard to hear words through all the other sensations that I experience when someone is showing me physical love. The auditory stuff sort of gets put to the side. Because I want what I want and I see what I want because that is what I want to see. WANT! WANT! Like a toddler. It is what I want so it must be there for the taking...Haha. *slight grimace*
It's an attitude thing and something I need to work on and change. Especially when it comes to romance. I need to figure out how to stop wanting a partner so badly. To be loved in the way my imaginary partner loves me. So I need to grow up. I need to do all the things I want to do for and by myself while I have the chance. Mostly creative things, in order to build my confidence. I need to start succeeding at my goals. I need to set my goals do I can achieve them. Realistic goals.
1. Perform musically before I leave Incline Village.
2. Purchase a car so I can be free!
3. Continue working out.
4. 1 art project per week.
5. Let go of silly ideas of romance. Only pursue someone that wants to be pursued and wants to pursue me back whole-heartedly.
Yay. That is a fantastic start. I am pleased.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Teenage Love & Babies
Two things that have been on my mind of late. Teenage love. Ahhhh. Those obsessive days when you first felt the genuine interest of the opposite sex. Talking on the phone all night, having your mother pick up and scold you in the middle of using your words to love each other, over and over and over and over. I see the teens around me now. Holding hands, looking adoringly at one another. It was an emotional time. Up and down.
That kind of emotion has faded a bit over time, but the potential of romantic love still brings both joy and anxiety. There is (slightly) less obsession than when we were teenagers, but it's still there. I can still think about my significant other pretty constantly. I don't know if it's the newness, or the uncertainty of the future, or all of the above and more.
Babies. I think about having babies more and more. I find myself actually happy to imagine that I might be pregnant and it terrifies and delights me equally. I have not felt such a strong desire for something that I considered so, so BAD. Having babies was never for Miss Independence. I wanted forever to be free. What is happening to me???
I want to fast-forward into the life where someone cares enough for me to make me their wife and we prepare a home so that we can welcome a child onto this earth. It sounds stupid..."cares enough for me"...sounds so helpless. What about me for them? It's so insecure. A thought loop that has been going on for too long. Awww..poor me.
What would I want my new loop to be? I want to be satisfied with where I am. But it's difficult to fight this desire to have a child, to conceived. Is it mental...yes? But also physical, hormonal, social. I want to find someone that I can love enough to have a child with. Who we can be patient enough with each other that we can make the time to prepare a home in order to receive a child into our world. Our own little world that we handcrafted.
I want to feel good about myself. Feel that I deserve to be loved. That I can be loved. That I don't need to want love, but recognize that love is already there. Be grateful for the love I already have. I have a friend who recently told me every morning she takes the time to journal for what she is grateful for. Hey! What a great way to start the day. So here we go...
1. I have a loving network of family in 2 different countries that would do just about anything for me. I have taken the time and made the effort to uphold close and heartfelt relationships with them and I am happier for it.
2. I am an independent and mostly happy individual. I am able to provide for myself financially, I cook delicious food for myself, I bathe myself regularly, I entertain myself with music and art and heartfelt friendships. I am able to interact with the public in a generally upbeat and positive way.
3. I contribute to my community. I do various volunteer work. I make efforts to enhance my community and that is an important effort for me. I like to bring joy to the lives of those around me when I can.
4. I make efforts to keep a health mind and body and to be a good role model to those around me. I know that I am not perfect, but I do a pretty good job.
5. I am grateful that I am me. I love myself and I do not have strong desires to take over anyone else's life. Sometimes when I see people with babies, I feel a sense of longing, but that is okay.
That kind of emotion has faded a bit over time, but the potential of romantic love still brings both joy and anxiety. There is (slightly) less obsession than when we were teenagers, but it's still there. I can still think about my significant other pretty constantly. I don't know if it's the newness, or the uncertainty of the future, or all of the above and more.
Babies. I think about having babies more and more. I find myself actually happy to imagine that I might be pregnant and it terrifies and delights me equally. I have not felt such a strong desire for something that I considered so, so BAD. Having babies was never for Miss Independence. I wanted forever to be free. What is happening to me???
I want to fast-forward into the life where someone cares enough for me to make me their wife and we prepare a home so that we can welcome a child onto this earth. It sounds stupid..."cares enough for me"...sounds so helpless. What about me for them? It's so insecure. A thought loop that has been going on for too long. Awww..poor me.
What would I want my new loop to be? I want to be satisfied with where I am. But it's difficult to fight this desire to have a child, to conceived. Is it mental...yes? But also physical, hormonal, social. I want to find someone that I can love enough to have a child with. Who we can be patient enough with each other that we can make the time to prepare a home in order to receive a child into our world. Our own little world that we handcrafted.
I want to feel good about myself. Feel that I deserve to be loved. That I can be loved. That I don't need to want love, but recognize that love is already there. Be grateful for the love I already have. I have a friend who recently told me every morning she takes the time to journal for what she is grateful for. Hey! What a great way to start the day. So here we go...
1. I have a loving network of family in 2 different countries that would do just about anything for me. I have taken the time and made the effort to uphold close and heartfelt relationships with them and I am happier for it.
2. I am an independent and mostly happy individual. I am able to provide for myself financially, I cook delicious food for myself, I bathe myself regularly, I entertain myself with music and art and heartfelt friendships. I am able to interact with the public in a generally upbeat and positive way.
3. I contribute to my community. I do various volunteer work. I make efforts to enhance my community and that is an important effort for me. I like to bring joy to the lives of those around me when I can.
4. I make efforts to keep a health mind and body and to be a good role model to those around me. I know that I am not perfect, but I do a pretty good job.
5. I am grateful that I am me. I love myself and I do not have strong desires to take over anyone else's life. Sometimes when I see people with babies, I feel a sense of longing, but that is okay.
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