Crying cryaing cring

 Cry! Cry if you need to. There's something special on the other side. A relief, a reveal, a moment of peace. You have to let go in order to let it happen. Can you let go of control? Cause that's what it's going to take. You're going to have to let go and see what happens. 

At first it's gonna feel real ugly. Like you're too much. Like it's all too much. Maybe you make some unusual noises and, even if you're lucky and no one ridicules you, then you'll have a vulnerability hangover. Wondering why those, actually innoculous, faces were so judgement of your woes.

Because when I cry it's usually a buildup of things so I might be surrounded by milk spilled, but ultimately the well is much deeper.

Then it gets a little easier. I have started to trust that I can let go and stop crying when I'm done. I don't have to feel trapped in it. It's like opening a release valve just a little and then having the power to close it back up again. It doesn't mean the tears aren't really, it means you opened yourself up to the person in front of you that much and it wasn't so unsafe that you lost control. 

As a counsellor I allow my eyes to get misty and sometimes a stray tear is released. I don't feel ashamed, I model that it's okay to feel. It's scary and it's intense but it brings us closer to the meaning of life. To the purpose of existence. 

So I understand our conundrum.

Do we want to feel close to the purpose of existence? Is it comfortable over there? Is it kinda exhausting and, worst case, what if I feel nothing??? What if I'm the one most f*ed up person who feels nothing even when I'm staring Goddess in the face. 

Then what?

The Smell of the Ocean

 'I want to explore each others bodies without the intension of orgasm or penetration', she told him looking him directly in the eye. She noticed a split second expression but couldn't interpret it and her thoughts were interrupted as he nodded his head in response. Her inner thighs immediately began to tingle and she suddenly became very aware of her pelvis and nipples. Her breathing slowed and her eyelids grew heavy as she let out a sigh. 'Well?, she asked. 'What's on the menu?' His eyes glittered and he grinned as he pressed his body into hers and pushed her down on the bed. Lying on top he whispered in her ear that she didn't say anything about sucking on her nipples. Her eyes widened and her breath caught as she wiggled beneath his weight feeling his erection pressing into her thighs. 'I need a moment' she protested in response and he slid off of her and held her while they breathed together. After a few moments she pushed her butt into his crotch and wiggled it and he grabbed her top hip and ground himself into her soft tush smelling her hair and the swirl of their scents combining. She turned onto her back and looked at him and they gazed into each others eyes shyly for a moment before relaxing into it and enjoying the sensation of looking into the centre of the universe. He leaned in to kiss her watching to see if she turned away even slightly. As she leaned back to meet him he pulled her close to crush her mouth with his awkwardly at first but as they breathed and found a rhythm it became fiery and their bellies felt full of energy. They stopped to catch their breath and soon began to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Feeling a sense of calm and reassurance. As they slowly parted ways that evening an energy lingered in the air. Something was stirring and waiting to be birthed. 

An Ode to Aurora

I am unsure how I’m feeling there’s a lot going on in my mind and my body. Am I comfortable am I safe am I good enough? Who is this member of the family that appeared out of nowhere. What is life what is death is there a connection? My mind explodes on this page not going nowhere anywhere where am i? I’m angry I’m sad I’m confused I’m what I’m. I wish…what is there to wish for when I can’t remember which way is up? All I can do is sing until I cant anymore and the desire leaves me completely dry empty where did it go? A crusty crust around me protecting me from the muffled activity around me hovering wondering how we all fit together. No one knows. Glances are exchanged. Feelings are felt, some of them voiced, others echoing in chambers of minds…sometimes…trailing. Off. 

Others come booming back and if you clench your jaw, tighten your throat then by the time they make their way out they are louder then intended, wide eyed audience making them even louder, tender feelings exploding all over the room. Who’s are who’s? Who’s are who’s? Days later still sorting the feelings into piles of ‘keep’ and ‘don’t keep’. Wondering where the time went.

Yes time, thyme, tie ‘em. What is time? Is it worth even going into? This currency of our energy with its exchange rates and unpredictability :/ I thought I would have the ‘time’. I lost track of the ‘time’. Ah Father Time. But how many people can raise their hands and say… “My father is a good man.” I hope more than I can. I feel like I’m betraying him. But some things are unforgivable. Aren’t they? 

Forgiveness is for thyself. What is worse than betrayal? Forgiveness, does that mean I stop loving him? Was my love for him the only thing that connected us. His love feels far away, but it exists. What if I stopped caring? Would his love need to grow as mine waned? Or would our connection disappear completely. Would I have to feel guilty? I don’t want anymore uncomfortable feelings over this. Can’t I be done with it? Will it still hurt the moment that I die?