UBI continued

I have recently had conversations with several people who have felt relieved by the opportunity to isolate. The majority of these individuals identify as introverted, struggle with mental health problems, or are recovering from trauma. Something that all of these individuals have in common is that they have finite amounts of social energy in a world where often it takes all of it just to survive.
The majority of jobs require interacting with other people. After a day of this, these individual's, if they're lucky, have a safe place to return to and recharge from what has likely been an exhausting and overwhelming experience. After a week of this, who has the energy to even clean the house?
Personally I have been enjoying the opportunity to curate who I interact with during the pandemic. My energy is a valuable resource and I don't really want to waste it. Life is precious and I want to interact with those that I feel safe around, those that lift my spirits up, and use my energy to do things that matter to me.
I do not identify as lazy in any way. I don't believe in the concept of lazy. I think that 'lazy' is used to shame those that are psychologically overwhelmed by those who are either in positions of privilege where their circumstances cater to their personalities or they have also been shamed using this term.
The amount of safety and emotional security that I have experienced as a result of deciding who I do and do not interact with, has been overwhelming. It has hit an all time high during the pandemic. In some ways, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. A miracle.
This is possible because I was already in certain financial situation, because I already had a certain amount of opportunity due to my class, race, able-bodiedness.

Pleasure

What is pleasure? I feel like I associate the work with sex and yet it is so much more than sex. Google dictionary defines it as, "a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment". That means that pleasure can extend to any area of life. Here is a list of some pleasures I have enjoyed recently:

-butter and peanut butter on sourdough toast
-clean bedsheets
-a run up the street
-petting the sweet cat in the neighborhood
-an afternoon nap
-a good stretch
-a hot bath
-a chat with a close friend
-sitting by the ocean and watching the water move

Pleasure exists in all facets of my experience of the world. From inside my mind, to outside my body, with my eyes, ears or senses. There is so much in this world that can be experienced as pleasurable and it's easier to notice when I'm not in a rush. Being overly busy and rushing around is generally not a very pleasurable experience. It can reduce the amount of time that I spend with pleasure and keep me future-focused. I need to be in the moment to experience pleasure. Many of us live in the future to maintain a sense of control or security over what's to come. I understand. We can't actually control things, and the harder we try, the more out of control things feel when they don't go 'our way' as planned.
Letting go is the hardest and most pleasurable thing to do. Recognizing that today I need to enjoy pleasure so that later my mind is oriented to enjoy it and notice it. It is a practice.
Today I choose pleasure, who knows about tomorrow?

What if no one hugs me for a year?

With COVID people are social distancing and as someone that lives alone, that means I have no one in my 'germ bubble'. I have no pets, but my unicorn stuffy whom I cuddle to sleep every night.
I generally like to think on the bright side and perhaps physical touch will take on a new and more intentional meaning to people. That could be nice, but I can't help but feel a little bit terrified that no one will touch me for an undefined and potentially quite long period of time.
I could say, at least I have a roof over my head and I'm warm and fed. I am extremely grateful for these things and I thank the goddess every day. That does not remove the pain of the loss of physical touch from my life.
It's a searing pain I feel behind my eyes and in my throat and tight in my chest and jaw. The fear of a new kind of loneliness.
I know I will survive and potentially the outcome will be positive, but for now, I am in grief and fear.

The world inside and Universal Basic Income

The forest inside my belly (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awtmTJW9ic8) is an amazing thing to comprehend. The researcher (Ruairi Robertson) points out that the bacteria in your gut not only weighs the same as your brain, but is as diverse as the amazon rainforest! Insanity! He also mentions that we have been depleting it, much like actual forests, through not eating enough variety. This blows my mind the parallel between inside our guts and the actual earth. So many feelings.
How much is the world a reflection of how we feel about ourselves? Do we recreate our family dynamics wherever we go? I know we treat others like we treat ourselves. The more harsh of a voice you speak to yourself with, the same will happen when you're confronting another.
These types of parallel lend to my concept of spirituality. God (or whatever you refer to spiritual energy as) is in everyone and everything. We are a tiny planet, in a vast universe. What we foster in ourselves is reflected in everything we do.
I've been researching Universal Basic Income for a discussion group that I am a part of and I'm left wondering, if every human truly loved themselves deeply, would they ever let other humans suffer? Because, for me, that's what it feels like this comes down to. It's about providing everyone with their basic needs. One of the arguments against it is around the strength of the economy, which I don't have a great knowledge of. If we asked those that are suffering due to a lack of basic needs, how much of a shit do they give around the strength of our economy? Who is the strength of the economy benefitting?
Next argument might be, well it's benefitting most of us and why should most of us sacrifice for a minority that are suffering? Because no one should be suffering to be fed and sheltered in a wealthy and prolific country that has so much food waste. That is just blasphemy. Literal blasphemy.
I'm sure there are arguments that I have not considered in my hour of research on the topic, and I welcome oppositional viewpoints because they interest me deeply. One more such viewpoint is that though the research done was successful and had positive results, that it was time-limited and there are likely impacts that we cannot predict. Most feared by this argument is that people will not want to work and the workforce will dwindle.
What is work? What draws us to working? Is it only survival? It's hard for me personally to comprehend not having to work for a lifetime. I'm definitely enjoying it now, mostly because I am studying for work that I am really passionate about and I want that extra time to dig in to the topics I"m being exposed to. But I like to be engaged and busy. Perhaps to a fault where I take on too much, but part of it is a fear of surviving, which I addressed in my last post.
What would my motivation to work look like if I were not afraid of surviving?
We ask a miracle question in Solution Focused Therapy that goes like this: 'if I woke up tomorrow and my fear of surviving was no longer in my life, then what would life feel like, how would I behave, what would other people notice about me, what would be different?'
I'd feel lighter. When I woke up in the morning, I wouldn't be racking my brain for the day or what I'm 'supposed' to be doing, I'd be in the moment. I wouldn't have this judgement of myself and heaviness of feeling like I need to be productive in some way. Other people would notice because I'd be more cheerful and less preoccupied. I'd enjoy how I spent my time without being concerned that it was good or bad. I'd feel ownership over my time.
I don't know about the rest of humanity, but I have felt like a slave to my job. I've felt like I"m not allow to speak up for myself, that I'm supposed to just do what I'm told and keep my mouth shut. There isn't a lot of agency in most work. Perhaps some of that is in my head and I'm recreating the dynamic of my authoritarian parent, but would their voice go away if I felt like my job was grateful to have me?
It's not that I haven't had any jobs where I didn't feel they were grateful to have me, but sometimes I didn't like the job and the gratitude might be that it was hard to find people for the job because it wasn't very enjoyable. How would UBI impact jobs that people don't want to do? What jobs would those be?

Shame and Forgiveness

I had such a scrumptious sleep last night, waking up feeling super refreshed with bright sunshine and music in my heart. A feeling of relief after a conflict was resolved with a friend last night. I am not proud that conflict consumes my mind so. In fact it is the consumption of my mind that is more difficult than that conflict itself. It is my emotional responses to things that create more shame than the actual stimulus. I am consistently judging myself for my emotional world.
This does not surprise me because emotions were discouraged when I was growing up. I got the message that they made you 'stupid' and unreasonable. Intelligence was held in highest regard and as a female I felt (and feel) that I have more to prove. It took me a long time to recognize that I was intelligent and I still feel sensitive about it sometimes.
I don't think I am alone in believing that emotions are the antithesis to intelligence, as this has been one of the biggest arguments around putting women into powerful positions in government and companies. So they are good enough to raise the men in those positions, but not good enough to assume those positions? Interesting logic.
So I wonder, what role do emotions play? Because I do think it is important to consider them when  making decisions. Emotional health is a seriously important aspect of human lives and I think that it's being acknowledged in the public sphere more and more. It's also called mental health because when your emotional wellness is terrible, then you have mental health problems. Yet, I have not heard this connection voiced by anyone.
So to maintain my emotional wellness, it has been critical to start talking about the emotions I experience. Often, if I'm feeling resistant to doing something in particular, I've noticed that if I share it with someone I will likely be able to follow through. One example is that I'll be aware that the best thing for me is to go outside because I have been in all day working on schoolwork. I feel resistant to doing it, then shame for not taking good care of myself. The shame in response to feeling like I can't take care of myself will immobilize me to the point of not going outside at all. Then if I share about this experience with a friend or empathetic ear, even in a voicemessage, I can often go do my thing. It's pretty interesting.
So in the end I need others to take care of myself. I have learned how to ask for help. I know that I need others and there's no shame in that. I use to feel pretty distrusting of others so that made it more complicated. Now, there are moments of distrust, but I'm feeling a general sense of being closer to people and a part of things and like I belong.
So shame, is unavoidable, as Brene Brown will remind us. She mentioned in a recent podcast where she interviews Harriet Learner (AMAZING conversation) that one of the biggest misperceptions people have of her is that she doesn't feel shame anymore because she researches is. (I'm guilty of this thought). But it's not true. It's a human experience. Perhaps she recognizes it more quickly and potentially attends to it, I'm not sure. A friend of mine have this term: 'shame spiral', which I wrote about while I was in one in a recent post. It's shame on top of shame.
This is the immobilizing factor that I'm talking about. Where I know what's best, but I don't inherently feel motivated to do it. This happens with decisions around the food I eat, whether or not I engage in the physical activity I deem necessary, making mistakes in social interactions. Basically, around getting my survival needs met.
I'm actually having this insight as I'm writing. I knew that I had a fear that I would not be able to care for myself financially, but I did not realize that it was so deep as to meet my daily survival needs. I will have to ponder this. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for my suicide attempt in 2003. I gave myself the message that survival was not a priority:

Dear self,
I forgive you for your suicide attempt. I deeply understand what motivated you at the time (substance use, severe emotional conflict), but those factors are no longer present in your life. Even if new factors arise that put me in a similar position, I survived last time and I'll likely survive again. I have so many new skills to express and validate my emotional self. My self-awareness is a trillion times better. I have a healthy spiritual life. Strong communities that rally around me. I have repaired and deepened relationships with family members. I am amazing. I deserve forgiveness and I have worked extremely hard for it. While I am certain that you deserve to live a long and interesting life, if you did decide that suicide was the answer at some point I would still love you. You are lovable no matter what.

Love,
Yourself

Betrayal, projection, secrets

I am heavy in mind and body. Not in an emotional way, but physically. I feel pinned to the couch and relaxed. There is so much I have learned and so much yet to be learned.
I've been contemplating the concept that 'the personal is political' and wondering exactly what it means in application. What came to mind, since I'm studying family counselling at the moment, was how much our upbringing is carried with us into our adult lives. That secrets, habits, values, coping styles are all things we learn originally from family members.
I wonder how much we try to recreate our families after we leave home. Do we search for figures that remind us of our siblings and parents, or aunts and grandparents to incorporate into our lives if we move away from them? Do political figures and bosses of companies try to run the ship like their father or mother ran the household? Are well all just recreating our past trying to understand and process it, using the members of our community as puppets while they try to use us for the same?
It can be extremely challenging when people don't behave as we want them to or expect them to. I know I've spent a lot of my life trying to inadvertently control others through what I say and do, or not say and not do. It's the invisible messages that I find most fascinating and frustrating.
I know we're taught in the counselling setting, if we don't name and have sight of our past, we will attempt to recreate scenarios with our clients, potentially believing in the moment that they are a member of our family and treating them as such. This is called countertranference, and it can happen with the client as well..transference. Recently I asked myself why I was afraid that something was under my bed and I realized that it was a great metaphor for unfinished business because if we're not acknowledging something in our lives, we con't have control if it arises in our dreams. That's what's under the bed, unfinished and ignored business.
I see cycles of the same thing happening in my life and wanting to change, but habits are so comfortable and familiar and they feel safe. It's a lot of work to identify them and try something new. It's terrifying to feel like I need the comfort of my habit and vulnerable and remind myself to try the new thing. Untethered. Unknown outcome. Perhaps it won't work, it it worth the effort, I'm tired from my day...lots of great excuses.
Not all patterns are repeated. My parents were married at 19/22 and had children at 30/33. Not my life, but these ages definitely felt potent for me. I guess the cycle was that I had to reevaluate my experience and wonder if that's what I was supposed? wanted? to do.
I love my life. Of course there are lots of challenges and fears, but for the most part I do things I enjoy, talk to interesting people, eat delicious things, want for little. Sometimes what I want for I already have. Some would call that capitalism. I think it's a mental health problem.
It's most often connection and care. Somewhere along the way, my circumstances led me to believe that I didn't have enough people I could relate to and even now that I do, it can feel like I don't. There's a lot of love in my life, but sometimes my system malfunctions and tells me otherwise. Warning! Warning! You are lonely, you are alone, you will always be alone.
I've come to understand that it's not true and even when I reflect on past times in my life where it felt true, I am starting to remember that there were people there for me. It was a brain malfunction. It was easy to push people away because I was arranging my reality how I perceived it, instead of perceiving reality as it is.
This is part of what family secrets do to you, especially when they impact you directly. It feels like you can't tell anyone because it would be a betrayal of your family. It feels lonely and heavy to carry it. Your family members most often don't discuss it openly because there's shame attached to it. It comes up at family reunions and things get super weird. It's lonely and it contributes to the shape of your reality.
Betrayal is an interesting thing. It feels very controlling, either feelings like I'm being controlled or gaining control. It's very potent and dark. Is betrayal intentional? Is it necessary at times? Is it evil?
The internet uses synonyms like disloyalty, bad faith, treachery.  Do we sometimes need to choose between betraying someone else and betraying ourselves? Are we occasionally put in what feels like impossible situations where we need to choose ourselves or we feel like we want to die? Does betraying someone we love make us feel like we want to die anyway? How do we weigh the costs, especially when the telling is a betrayal and therefore there is no one to consult except the Goddess? Maybe the Goddess is enough of a consult.
I prefer not to be involved in harmful secrets anymore. I don't value being a vault for anyone, I think it's a false sense of intimacy and potentially...as I say this I think of the confidentiality of being a counsellor and secrets of clients. I guess that's different because I don't feel like stranger's secrets are as personal. Hmmm...I'm. not sure what I think.
Can we help to carry the weight of another's secret? Is that a characteristic of friendship? Motherhood? Counsellorship? Ministry?
The law designates what we need to tell, harm to children is at the top of the list. Some secrets are never safe after being told.
I guess I just don't want any secrets of my own to be kept to myself. I need to be an open book with trusted others. I am able to keep other's secrets, sometimes I need to process my reaction to them with others if they remind me about my own experience. Otherwise, I don't know that secrets can be considered inherently 'bad'. Just like everything...there is no black and white. No answer or definitive solution.

Shame Spirals

This is a term a friend of mine who identifies as BPD uses often with me. I can totally understand what it means. When I'm obsessing about having done something wrong. For me, this is most often in the context of a social interaction. One thing I've identified that triggers these responses for me is if someone wants to address a conflict they're experiencing with me over text or email. It also happens when I attempt to address a conflict over text or email.
I feel so trapped and cornered in text format. There's so much room to (mis)interpret what's going on for the worst on my end. My hope is that now that I've identified this I can move to a place of recognition. Maybe I can notice this is an area that is not my strength and ask for help.
I feel so much judgement for myself because I want to be able to receive criticism. I know that conflict is important for the growth of relationships. I feel like a bad and incapable human that it's putting me in a shame spiral. I know I am not either of those things, there is tons of evidence to the contrary. I've had many successful relationships.
Connection is rare I've come to realize. To enter someone's life at the right time that there is opportunity to connect is a pretty rare thing. Even if there's lots of commonality, there isn't necessarily opportunity. Between mental health, commitments, and time, it's difficult to align with others in a meaningful way.
So I will try to be grateful for the connections I already have. For the beautiful people I've met and connected with along the way. Even if it was brief, it was still beautiful. For the many people in all the different places I've lived and travelled, who shared a moment of joy, sorrow or love with me. I sent love to them all. We were in the right place at the right time on Goddess time and it was a beautiful thing.
I look forward to more of those times and I always have enough. I am always connected, I have never been alone. I am loved and cared for. Bless

Chasing Magic

I believe in magic. I have experienced it in the wonders of the world, the intense nature of the earth, the images I've seen of the galaxy, my understanding of the universe, the connection I feel with other people. These are all experiences of magic.
Sometimes I'm not attuned to the magic because I get so caught up in feeling afraid that I can't survive. I rush around trying to "make ends meet", saying yes to every job and every opportunity and every request for friendship because I'm in fear. I'm afraid that there will never be enough money, or friends, or partners. That I'm a bottomless pit that cannot be filled.
Though I know that is not true, these feelings and thoughts live deep in my mind and hold vigil in my body: my thighs, shoulders, neck, tensing and ready to run and escape what feels like threat to my survival.
Being closer to home for several weeks has given me a chance to unwind my body and thoughts through pauses, yoga, meditation, time to think in a calm and relaxed way. With nowhere to go I can move about without wondering if there's something I'm missing, something else I'm supposed to be doing, someone else that I'm responsible to that I'm letting down.
Because of my privilege I live alone with no one to be accountable to except my landlords and occasionally my neighbours. And myself. And the Goddess. I am grateful for my circumstances. I wonder why I don't allow myself to rest on my privilege more often.
Why do I feel like my survival is threatened?
Who or what is the threat?
Perhaps I empathize with the earth and the homeless and the marginalized, as I have felt the pain of exclusion briefly and I cannot imagine a life filled with it at every turn. I don't understand how I can live in a world that harms, so much harm. Yet there is also beauty to witness. If I turn my eyes to the beauty will I forget the harm and will I stop being a 'good' citizen because people are suffering without witness?
But sometimes suffering is turned into beauty. Beautiful things arise from pain, coalitions and art and voices and connection. Is it my job to prevent others from getting hurt? What is my privilege for? Do I owe the world? How do I pay back? Is gratitude for and enjoyment of my privilege acceptable? Is it payment? Do I need to do great things? Do I need to suffer and struggle in attempts to do great things? Is my suffering helping anyone? Is anyone even noticing?
I want so badly to be useful, helpful, make a difference. And yet I know the discomfort of someone trying to help me when I don't ask. The feeling that I am being given what I do not actually need, that I cannot say stop because they are just "being nice" when they are just trying to fill a hole inside themselves and use me and my suffering to justify their own existence. This is a selfish act because they did not stop to listen or hear me and what I need, they took over, took responsibility, took away my agency.
I have been on both sides of this dance. Being selfish, taking away someone else's agency, knowing 'what's best' for them because it worked for me or because it's what I feel like doing for them. No actual care for them, I just want to feel better, feel 'good' about myself. Be able to say 'I am helpful', 'I am good'. 'I am worthy.'
Worthy.
Worthy.
Worthy.
Such a powerful word. It feels fierce and magnetic.
How is worth determined? Is it individual? We all have our own gauges for what is worth our time, money, friendship, energy, attention?
Worthiness comes from inside. But do we feel like it's a resource that we need to fight over? The helpers needing to help until they are so drained that they don't even notice that they are being thanked. Doing being so worshipped that we don't even stop to enjoy the feeling of pride, enjoyment, satisfaction? There's always more to have, to achieve, to want, to covet.
The magic is in between. In the pause. In the recognition of achievement. In the moment. So hard to find and yet worth...

Miracles

I'm living a miracle. I've come to this conclusion in many ways recently, you know...serendipity. Life is literally a miracle and yet, it can be so easy to forget that. To forget the fact that I exist is a goddamn freaking impossibility as far as anyone can explain. It's hilarious!

It's magical to think about and I am magic. I am made of stardust, how much more magical could I possibly be??? Made of stars...phhhhhhh, I revel in amazement.

That isn't the only miracle, there are so many others floating around every day. The way I'm changing how I live my life. My brain and my ability to think super complex thoughts. Knowing the limits of what I understand is a miracle. Human connection is a miracle! Birth is a miracle!!!! How our bodies function is a FREAKING miracle.

I'm giddy just thinking about it all. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the stressful things, to focus on them. And I get it, the part of my brain wants to protect me and it's a little more active than the average persons. Maybe that's a super power? :D

My sensitivity could definitely act as a superpower if I was able to shift my thinking about it. I've considered it a burden for so long, but its got its benefits also. I'm aware of subtlety. Nuances in conversation, sensation, smell, aurally. Maybe not so much visually, but when I'm practicing visual art, I begin to hone in that way. 

I've felt frustrated by this sensitivity because the world can feel like too much, too overwhelming at times. Lately, since I've had a lot more time to myself during COVID, I can relax and feel overwhelmed by one thing at a time. Really pay attention to how different things make me feel. 

I don't want things to go back to 'normal'. I also want to enjoy what is and accept what will be. 

When there's a lot going on, it's harder to understand where my feelings are coming from. I'm not sure if that's important though.

In counselling we can either address the origination of client's feelings, or we can focus on how they're manifesting today. Different strokes for different folks. I like both when I'm the client. I find that I get insight out of the patterns that arise from the past and that can help me surrender longer standing habits. It's pretty amazing how we pick things up from our ancestors. 

The final miracle is that I'm sober. Being sober has turned my life around. I could easily say that I was pretty status quo when I drank, my life was very functional. A lot of people would say that my drinking didn't 'get in the way' of me living a normal existence. But it eroded my ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. It stunted my emotional and relational growth. It stopped me from dealing with the things that drove me to want to drink and forget. 

And you know what, I wasn't ready to and now I am. It takes capacity to make those choices and to deal with those things and I did it on the Goddess' time. I don't regret my experience, it was joyful and painful and it was mine. It made me who I am. And I am a miracle, made of stardust.

Reattaching self-worth to myself

I feel this incredible shame whenever I'm attracted to someone and like in every interaction we have I'm making so many mistakes and acting a fool. Logically I know that it's completely normal to feel attraction, I'm human, I'm a sexual reproductive being. In the past I've just acted on attraction like I had to sleep with or be with every person that looks good. Which is totally unrealistic. I know.
So now attraction comes with so many emotions. I'm so fearful of rejection that I start feeling rejected right away. Like it's already happened. So much discomfort. This is so awkward to write about too. I'm so uncomfortable right now and I want to stop but I'm pushing through because I seek relief.
I've been meditating on separating myself-worth from the people I'm attracted to. I had a visualization last night where I lifted the hood of my brain and rolled in, like under a car, and pulled the hose out that connected my self-worth to people I find attractive. My self-worth belongs to me and I need it to be attached to things I have control over, which is not other people.
I also imagined myself I'm in a glass bubble, and people I'm attracted to are on the outside. Inside the glass bubble is what I do have control over: my behaviour, allowing myself to feel my emotions without dominating or controlling my behaviour, my integrity, my pleasure. Ooo, I like that last one. My pleasure is in my control.
It's true because even doing something like remember and working towards solidifying a new concept of where my self-worth is fuelled, brings me so much pleasure. Mmmmmm yeah. I love taking charge of my self-worth baby. So hot, so delicious. So sexy!!!! :) :)
I deserve to own it. It is mine after all and I don't want some stranger's pretty face telling me if I can love myself or not, only my pretty face. So I woke up today reminding myself of my new lifestyle choice, praising myself for a job well done and fuelling my own self-worth. Mmmm honey, you are incredible. Mmmhmmm, you're so intelligent and you're doing such a good job at school. You've got such a great system for writing papers, a little each day, soaking in the learning, really becoming who you want to be and letting go of baggage. You don't need perfection, it's all about the journey honey. You deserve love, you deserve care. Mmmm, this bed is so comfy and you make it that way for yourself because you deserve to be cozy a.f. You are a sensual goddess baby!!!
*Warm Heart Fuzzies Ensue*

Quivering Heart

My quivering heart yearns for connection and fears that it is not available. This is an old fear, as now that I am sober and mentally well, I am able to recall moment upon moment of genuine connection: tears, laughter, silence, deep conversation. With myself, spirit and others. It takes time for the memory to catch up with reality. The fear that past hurts will resurface remains for some times.
I must experience this recall of the good moments to soothe my quivering heart. To gently coddle it with tenderness, with memories of tender. It is unsure, wanting to hope, but hope feels so uncertain and potentially not safe.
Hope is such an interesting emotion. It feels quite elusive, unknowing, is it really there? Hard to pinpoint in the body as it's quite gentle and soft. It allows us to use our imagination for what could be. To allow our creative thoughts to go wild and explode with possibility. What about this?! And this?! It's exciting.
Excitement is another strange emotion that I can often get confused with fear. Am I excited or am I anxious? It can be hard to tell. They have similar physiological characteristics: a buzzing in the chest and head, urge to move the arms and do, brightness in the eyes trying to see danger or incredible beauty.
It is irony such as this that gives me great joy to reflect on. Needing to catch the slightest, nuanced differences and really pay attention to know what's going on. If I'm caught up in the past then I will project that onto my current experience. A fearful past will always divert to fear, even if excitement is a possibility.
There's privilege in recognizing this. Privilege in having the time to contemplate it. In having the education to develop the tools of deep thought. In having the resources to have the time. In having the ancestors to encourage critical thought as a value. In being white, cis, able in a white not having to cope with visibly standing out.
These privileges are awkward to name, but I choose to take pleasure out of recognizing and labelling them. Despite my quivering heart, or for it, I recognize and feel gratitude for my privilege. It gives me the strength for fight for what is in my integrity. To know when something is not in alignment with my values and to speak up about it. To create waves in other ways despite not having the most popular opinion.
Be still my quivering heart, for we have won.

Dear Dad

Dad,
Thank you for the funds to continue my education. I appreciate the support and am enjoying my masters in counselling immensely. It is helping me to grow and I feel extremely passionate about the material and a potential future career.
I was surprised by your letter and your assistance considering we haven't spoken in some time. I am not able to forget our most recent exchange without continuing to address it. I wish it were something that I could sweep under the rug so easily, but that type of coping has already caused me more trouble than it's worth.
Everything I spoke to in my initial letter is still true to me. Despite you may not perceiving your behaviour as sexually threatening, I must assure you that it very much felt that way to me. I was not only a child when you were making sexual comments about me and grabbing my butt, but a sensitive person. The way that you behaved towards me led me to feel terrified and extremely unsafe for much of my life. I have experienced a great deal of anxiety as an adult, including panic attacks that have been triggered by interactions I have had with you.
I believe that you were doing the best you could as a parent. I understand that parenting is not easy and am not sure of my own desire to become one. I wish I had felt that I could have expressed to you more directly how I was feeling at the time. Holding in my feelings in was very harmful to me psychologically and contributed to my desire to suicide as a teen and ongoing feelings of suicidality as an adult.
I'm not sure if you know this but, I endured quite a bit of sexual violence in my undergrad including rape, assault, harassment and stalking. These experiences have likely further fed into my fear and discomfort around men. These events were not your fault, but reminded me of the feeling of powerlessness that I felt when I was a teen when you made flirtatious comments towards me.
I feel like you don't and can't understand the connection here. We are very different people and I get the sense that you do not value the emotional world as I do. I believe this is quite a significant obstacle to us having a relationship.
I am an emotionally-oriented person, it is something that I do not feel I have a choice about. In the past, I attempted to drink and think my way out of my emotional world, but that behaviour contributed to my poor mental health. As I've become older and attended to my emotional life with more care, I have reduced my experience of suicidality and felt more confident. I believe that this effort lent me the confidence to return to school and pursue more lofty goals.
What I desire most is to have a father that interacts with me in a completely platonic way. This is not a normal request for a daughter to have to make. I have come to understand that this is standard behaviour for a father and your flirtatious style of interacting is out of the norm.
I do not know how to reconnect. It is not for a lack of care, love, or effort. All of my life I have wanted to feel safe around you. I have tried everything I can think of to make peace with my emotional experience and reactions to you. I have poured hours of time into counselling, groups, art, self-reflection, meditation, convincing, and forcing myself to let go of the past. Because I love you very much and I have been feeling so ashamed that I am afraid of you in this way. I am afraid I did something to make you feel sexual towards me. That I was a bad daughter and somehow I caused this.
I can no longer think that way because it is not useful to me. It hurts me. I cannot take responsibility for your parenting or your behaviour. Only you can. If you want a relationship with me then I need you to make the effort to understand my experience. I don't know what to do. I'm sad and I miss you, but I am unwilling to return to a reality where I hide how I'm feeling around you and pretend I'm fine. I would literally rather die because that's what hiding my feelings makes me want to do.