I feel like a lot of my posts are about love. And I wish that alot was a scrabble word because I would've used it twice in the past couple of weeks. Disclosure, I have had a couple of drinks and I'm about to rant, so if you're not into hearing a rant from a drunkin' fool about my disappointment in love then this post is not for you.
I'm trying. Really trying to do right by myself. I feel a little disappointed from time to time, but I can't be perfect and I recognize that though, I'm still disappointed in myself for not being perfect.
I mean really. Am I not supposed to have found a legit partner at this point in my life? I'm 28. When is the 'right' time? Who is the 'right' partner? Some people say that the best and most successful relationships have come out of them being friends with their partners first. But I'm just like...bleh. All the guys I start out being friends with I'm not attracted to at all. So am I just supposed to end up with someone that I'm not attracted to at all? Is that just the situation? That you're not supposed to be sexually attracted to the people that you're ending up with and having children with? Sexual attraction is just some tease that lures you away from the actual situation of getting along?
I mean, I like to feel and believe that my goals are unselfish. I want to feel that I'm getting along thinking that I'm working towards a greater good. But really I want to find the perfect man for me and I want to get it on with him, over and over and over again. I want to mate. I want to create. I want to make babies.
I worry that it's not going to happen. I worry that I will rush it because I'm so busy worrying that it's not going to happen.
HAHAH it's all so insane...and I know it. Or do I know it? That is the question.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Muzak makes the people...come together. Yea?
Tonight I starting contemplating the idea of not playing music anymore. Jam night took the direction of prepping for an open mic and we spent quite a bit of time just trying to pick songs. We only were able to agree on one, but decided we needed three. If I want to give up already, then what does that mean? Why is music so hard? Am I only meant to play alone?
Playing music with the idea of being an entertainer in mind is such a different experience then doing it for the sole purpose of your own enjoyment. It changes the way you play, what you play, and the whole experience of music. I don't think being a performer comes naturally to me. I'm an introvert, why would I want to get up on stage?
I always thought I wanted to be in a band, but maybe that is not the case. In fact, it is likely not the case. It is a very highly regarding thing, to be in a band, but the nitty gritty of actually regularly playing music with people is unbeknownst to me. (great word by the way...unbeknownst) If it's anything like tonight, I could imagine it being quite tedious.
Of course it also depends on how the people playing together relate to one another. But what is music for? Who is meant to perform it and why? Is it entertainment? Is it soul food? Is it both and much, much more? What role does it play?
I know that when I play by myself it relaxes me, puts me in a better mood, and makes me feel productive. I find it difficult to ever be truly satisfied with most of what I play, but from time to time I have a moment. Is it worth these few and far between moments? What else would I do with my time instead? What am I working toward? Do I need to be working towards something in particular?
I sometimes imagine myself on stage, sounding beautiful and my true love sees me and falls in love with my voice. Voices, they're so personal. I know that when I feel shy, it is truly reflected in my voice. My voice becomes thin and tight and self-conscious. I feel kind of as if I'm choking. I don't have the kind of confidence in my voice and sharing my thoughts as I would like to have.
Something to work on. Room to grow.
Playing music with the idea of being an entertainer in mind is such a different experience then doing it for the sole purpose of your own enjoyment. It changes the way you play, what you play, and the whole experience of music. I don't think being a performer comes naturally to me. I'm an introvert, why would I want to get up on stage?
I always thought I wanted to be in a band, but maybe that is not the case. In fact, it is likely not the case. It is a very highly regarding thing, to be in a band, but the nitty gritty of actually regularly playing music with people is unbeknownst to me. (great word by the way...unbeknownst) If it's anything like tonight, I could imagine it being quite tedious.
Of course it also depends on how the people playing together relate to one another. But what is music for? Who is meant to perform it and why? Is it entertainment? Is it soul food? Is it both and much, much more? What role does it play?
I know that when I play by myself it relaxes me, puts me in a better mood, and makes me feel productive. I find it difficult to ever be truly satisfied with most of what I play, but from time to time I have a moment. Is it worth these few and far between moments? What else would I do with my time instead? What am I working toward? Do I need to be working towards something in particular?
I sometimes imagine myself on stage, sounding beautiful and my true love sees me and falls in love with my voice. Voices, they're so personal. I know that when I feel shy, it is truly reflected in my voice. My voice becomes thin and tight and self-conscious. I feel kind of as if I'm choking. I don't have the kind of confidence in my voice and sharing my thoughts as I would like to have.
Something to work on. Room to grow.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Driving into Technology
So I recently got my first iphone. Until now I was using a flip phone and there was a brief stint in time where I had no cell phone at all. Since my new phone capabilities have become a part of my life, I also decided to sign up for facebook and instagram. I thought, why not just embrace the lifestyle? So far it's been around a month and I've been thoroughly enjoying it. I have reconnected with a couple friends that I have not spoken to in years, and have upped my communication with others that I have only spoken to occasionally in the past. I feel as if I have expanded my friendship circe and support system. Geography is not as much of an obstacle. I can be a part of these people's lives, whom I love so much.
As far as instagram goes, I have mostly been using it as an artistic documentary of my sporadic art projects. I enjoy having a portfolio of my creations and watching it grow. I enjoy having friend who also value their creative outlets as they like and comment on my artwork. It's like my own private gallery.
I still don't completely understand the point of twitter, doesn't really interest me. Pintrest annoys me because I always see photos on google images that I want to click on and then they won't me look unless I sign up. I hate being coerced, but I understand that it's a superficial feud and perhaps one day I'll decide to join as well. For now I think I have enough on my plate. Which brings me to the other technological change in my life.
It's not quite a recent advancement in the human life, but definitely one in my own small one. I am about to purchase my first vehicle. The idea of owning my own mode of transportation is really a lifestyle change for me. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I tell myself that I will still walk to work, which I'm sure I will, as it is across the street. But there are times I need to go somewhere after work in which case would I walk to work and then walk home to my car? These are the thoughts going through my head.
I feel morally conflicted as I have been very much a part of the bicycle culture before this. Bicycle culture is innately linked with environmental protection and a "nose turned up" attitude toward motor vehicles. I have a couple of old friends from the city whom were quite shocked when I even mentioned that I thought I might like to own a car. Of course, they live in the city, which is extremely easy to navigate via bicycle or public transportation.
I'm looking forward to my freedom. I'm curious about having such a financial burden and how I will survive once I will again have the expense of rent in addition to the expense of a car (as I am currently house-sitting). I am curious how I will cope with the biggest financial burden that I have ever experienced. It is an adventure. At least I can always sell it, as it is a Subaru which is extremely coveted in mountain towns. That is my saving grace.
More later on the adventures of owning a car...
As far as instagram goes, I have mostly been using it as an artistic documentary of my sporadic art projects. I enjoy having a portfolio of my creations and watching it grow. I enjoy having friend who also value their creative outlets as they like and comment on my artwork. It's like my own private gallery.
I still don't completely understand the point of twitter, doesn't really interest me. Pintrest annoys me because I always see photos on google images that I want to click on and then they won't me look unless I sign up. I hate being coerced, but I understand that it's a superficial feud and perhaps one day I'll decide to join as well. For now I think I have enough on my plate. Which brings me to the other technological change in my life.
It's not quite a recent advancement in the human life, but definitely one in my own small one. I am about to purchase my first vehicle. The idea of owning my own mode of transportation is really a lifestyle change for me. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I tell myself that I will still walk to work, which I'm sure I will, as it is across the street. But there are times I need to go somewhere after work in which case would I walk to work and then walk home to my car? These are the thoughts going through my head.
I feel morally conflicted as I have been very much a part of the bicycle culture before this. Bicycle culture is innately linked with environmental protection and a "nose turned up" attitude toward motor vehicles. I have a couple of old friends from the city whom were quite shocked when I even mentioned that I thought I might like to own a car. Of course, they live in the city, which is extremely easy to navigate via bicycle or public transportation.
I'm looking forward to my freedom. I'm curious about having such a financial burden and how I will survive once I will again have the expense of rent in addition to the expense of a car (as I am currently house-sitting). I am curious how I will cope with the biggest financial burden that I have ever experienced. It is an adventure. At least I can always sell it, as it is a Subaru which is extremely coveted in mountain towns. That is my saving grace.
More later on the adventures of owning a car...
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