Hope and possibility in change

 I feel like there's some kind of idealized version of a human being that I hold myself in comparison to much of the time. I think about how they would never use substances or they would only do it occasionally without thinking, they'd watch one episode of one show some evenings but not every evening, the same with sugar. This idealized human would be able to enjoy things in life without clinging onto them at any point. Just allow them to come in and out of their lives. 

I use this idealized human mostly to beat myself up about my own choices and behaviours. To remind myself that I am not good enough and that it will likely take more work than I am capable of in order to reach this fake ideal. This idealized human taunts me.

Their voice is quieter than it used to be and I've become aware that it's a choice to listen to them or not to some extent. I can recognize and name their voice in my head and that gives me opportunity to name other choices. I'm a strong believer in changing how I feel about my behaviour in order to shift it, rather than simply strong-arming or shaming myself into changing.

I've been working towards a self-compassionate way of being, and while it is not always accessible, I have definitely made shifts that have given me more freedom of choice. It's hard work, but the value of it motivates me. I write this to remind myself, to ground myself, to create hope and possibility.

My grandma died

 And I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I'm watching myself go through all these motions, but I'm not really sure how to connect with it. 

This is what I know:

It feels good to be around friends, the sound of their voices makes me feel warm. I fear that I cannot empathize with them as well as I normally can, but it's hard to care and I think it's okay.

I feel really critical of myself in a lot of ways. I think I'm depressed so a lot is skewing negative. One positive thing about this is that I know that I was not depressed because I've noticed the shift into depression. So yay for that.

Everything feels kind of hard

Time doesn't make much sense

I can't feel my emotions very intricately. It's mostly just bad and good at the moment.

I don't know how to talk about my experience and when I try it doesn't sound like it makes sense. I think I just feel like I can't make sense of it myself so how could someone else understand. Though I know that other people understand loss so it's not logical. 

I want to self-medicate with substances and that makes me nervous, but it's hard to really feel the nervousness. I grateful to be aware of my hesitation and that opportunity to reflect on my substance use habits and cravings despite what I choose to do about it.

I'm generally uncomfortable. My body aches, my mind feels kind of floaty, very little feels exciting and my motivation is absolute crap right now.

I know I will get through this however imperfectly. 

I can't rush it

I can't control it

I can only exist

Itching for something

 I long for...

Something, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Several possibilities flit through my mind: sex, drugs, partnership?

I feel content in my life. School, friends, work, my housing is secure and comfortable. I am safe. And I finally feel safe. But I itch...for something. 

I book an appointment with my counsellor, hoping that our visit will bring me some clarity.

To be honest, I feel guilty that my life is so good and I just want something more. Is that just the experience of our society. Of capitalism? Never quite happy. 

I've felt lonely before, afraid of not finding 'the one'. Which I no longer believe in. But this kind of loneliness is no longer about 'the one', but it's about being in a pandemic and the continent being on fire and the daily visual landscape shrouded in smoke and folks wearing masks and wondering...what the fuck is going on.

It's easy to forget, like it's all a weird movie I watched and lingers on my mind. But the reality is that I'm scared and I don't talk about it because I'm afraid there's no space for my fear. I don't want to visit my grandma, when strangers get too close to me I feel sick to my stomach, I want someone that I trust to tell me everything is going to be okay, but sometimes I don't trust anyone. 

I want to trust in humanity, but I watch documentaries about the American prison system and I feel chills travel through my entire body. What the fuck is going on?

How do I continue to exist in a suspicious and malicious society? How does it not become contagious? How do I even make it from one day to the next. 

I'm exhausted. I'm feeling hopeless. I guess it's time to watch some Netflix.

Swirling Anxiety

 My mind spins around and around. I can't stop thinking of anything, everything. Bikes, people, money, work, school, things, netflix shows. It's all swirling around like an anxious mess. I try to breathe through it and turn it off, but there is only temporary relief. I attempt to praise myself for trying, but the feelings dissipates quickly and the building swirl resumes. It this anxiety?

I wonder what the meaning of anxiety really is. We talk about how more people are anxious these days. If it's normal, then can you really diagnose the majority? Isn't diagnosis for outliers? Am I normal? 

I fight thoughts that tell me I'm a bad person, incapable, unwell, broken, unlikable. I know they aren't true, but they feel so real.

I try to sleep, but I'm uncomfortable.

I wake up to swirling thoughts. 

Swirling thoughts are drowning me.

I have all these suggestions of ways that I have failed to manage them through past actions and choices. It only encourages them to grow louder.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Play music?

Being a Female Bicycle Mechanic

     After a few years break from working professionally with bicycles, I decided to return to the industry. I realize that I never truly left as I found places to volunteer and ways to maintain my own bike. It is a passion that I don't even need to try to involve myself with, it seems to follow me around wherever I go. I'm not complaining, bicycles bring me a ton of joy.

    The first time I built my own bike and took it for a test ride tears pooled in my eyes. It was literally one of the best moments of my life. Then to go on and use that bicycle to make a living by couriering...I was over the moon with my accomplishments. Buying a car and realizing I no longer had the freedom, independence and safety that fixing my own mode of transportation offered me was disheartening and I wasn't motivated to keep it for long. 

    Re-entering the industry, especially as a mechanic, was pretty terrifying for me. I could tell that my adrenals were going and I felt really attached to the outcome of my applications. I felt conspicuous when I went into bike shops, eyed by the many dudes with curious eyes, assumptions that I was applying for a sales position. Some of it in my mind and some of it real.

    Once I got a position, I was in disbelief. I sailed through my interviews with directness and honesty about what I was looking for and a feigned confidence that I didn't truly feel. My sense of feeling like it was a long shot seemed to give me a nothing-to-lose edge. 

    Why though? I have plenty of experience in different shops over the years. I am definitely qualified on paper and in reality. It just feels like no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm not really doing it. The story goes: Bike mechanics? That's not something I'm capable of.

    Even though I'm doing it, my mind is telling me I'm not. It's confusing and debilitating. It interferes with my work, my mental health, my interpersonal relationships with my colleagues. Half of my day is spent just convincing myself that I deserve to be there and I'm generally surrounded by guys that I feel cannot comprehend what I'm experiencing.

    Many of them are lovely, encouraging, patient and wonderful men that are willing and eager to teach me. Yet none of them understand the mental block that I'm experiencing. None of them can coach me through that aspect of the learning. 

    I know it's an exchange and that they likely learn as much from me as I them, but I don't think they realize or appreciate it. They are teaching me a skill that we are getting paid to do, I am teaching them something more invisible. I am teaching them how to be more compassionate people. How to appreciate the elderly, how to empathize with the queers, and how to contextualize their masculinity. Quietly I labor by their sides, suffering on multiple levels about the quality and quantity of my own contribution. 

    Drained, I'm spending my day off trying to collect the pieces of myself, eye twitching/appetite seemingly lost, endlessly grateful for my beautiful collection of friends that nourish my existence. Wondering if it's okay to do nothing, dabbling in things I consider productive and feeling like I'm living in a dreamlike haze. 

    I'm driven by the understanding that I am helping blaze a path for other sensitive individuals who might not have been able to see themselves in the culture of the trades. This fuels my passion and keeps me getting up in the morning and hopping on my bicycle. The ride in helps me prepare my mind for another strenuous workout and the ride home helps me calm my mind so I don't land at home only to dive into an unhealthy addiction.

    Will I one day feel like I belong? What does belonging feel like?    

Bike Shoppe Culture

I have been in and out of bike shops for at least half of my life, enjoying the maintenance of my own bicycle and the sense of accomplishment that wrenching on her ensured. I love the moment of clarity as to what I need to do next. The satisfaction of a well cleaned and lubricated chain. The smell of the various lubricants and tire, the meditative process of truing a wheel. I love wheels in general. The cute little ball bearings and the way they roll all over the place <3 

It has brought me a lot of joy over the years.

But it's not without discomfort. Bike mechanics are predominantly male and it's a bit of an alternative space. Being one of the few females in the room is an unusual experience that brings out the shy in me. Much like being the youngest in the room does. Or the most sensitive. 

So yesterday I did a trial at a local bike shop to work as a mechanic. Being new is difficult, wondering if my skills are enough, wondering if I'll be accepted. I think one of the harder things unique to this environment is wanting to be able to physically do the work. This is challenged at the outset having to bring your bicycle into the shop, down a set up stairs and then hang it up. I was tense in the process because I was nervous and I wanted to prove that I could do all the things, but it took my focus off my body and more into a 'proving myself' space which is less safe. What I realize is that I need to take my time and pay close attention to my body. 

At the end of the day my body was killing me. Terrible back pain, I spent my lunch break stretching and had to stop on my way home for a snack and a stretch. I'm still sore this morning. 

How do I spend my day surrounded by, mostly, men and be in my body? How do I feel safe enough? Time I guess. It's strange, but I feel like I need to build alliances before I can relax. Find protectors in the herd so that if someone gets threatening (I use this term in the sense of challenges me verbally, sexually, or even as a bystander to witness aggression) then I have someone to stand up for me. As I'm writing about what has been a predominantly unconscious endeavour, I realize that I'm at a point in my life when I'm enough of a protector of myself. I don't really need anyone, thought it is nice when people are welcoming and friendly. I don't think it's necessarily based on gender as to whether people are welcoming and friendly at new jobs though. My last job was predominantly female and there was also a variety of responses to me on my new day. I think women are more likely to pay lip service to being "welcoming", but actually if it's not genuine it's potentially even more threatening than just being authentic. 

Back to finding a protector. It's interesting because I think I used to buy protection with my sexuality. I felt that I needed to lure someone in and secure my status as protected by having sex with them. I recognize that this is not the case, and usually that would cause more problems and put me more at risk. It's comforting to have the opportunity to navigate this scenario with a lot more awareness. It's strange to admit the intricacies of my subconscious motivations. Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to admit in this public space, but I'm more inclined to focus on the release it brings me and the choices that arise for future by uncovering these mysteries.

Tahoe Rim Trail

I always enjoyed reading books about the Pacific Crest Trail. Even before the more popular book and film Wild came out. Then as a gift I was given the book by my sister-in-law. Guess she knew me better than I realized :D When I found out that the Tahoe Rim Trail and the PCT overlapped near where I was living at the time in Incline Village I was floored! Just before moving away a planned a solo trip to complete half of the TRT including the over lap on the west side of the lake. These are the notes that I took during the journey...

8/15/2017

Pier came out with me for the first night. Thankfully, because I was somewhat underprepared. She left me with an extra camelbak & her backpack. The one I was using didn't fit me well. Esp with it loaded full. One is in enough pain while backpacking, didn't need the extra discomfort. I did bring a 2nd water container, but lost it when we stopped to swim right at the beginning in Echo Lake. 

It was hard to say goodbye when Piera & I parted ways. We stayed at a tiny lake off the main trail & watched the sunset while scarfing a delicious beet salad she prepared at home to bring.

I'm so tired, it's hard to even think. Today I did ~10 miles, which is my goal for each day but there were a couple points towards the end especially where I was suffering quite badly just because my body hurt so much. My right ankle turned a few times & it didn't want me to walk anymore around mile 8. I climbed a 2000 ft pass all today. Luckily the clouds came and covered the sun so I wasn't overly hot.

I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to carry everything. It becomes so heavy but at times it feels easy as well. Strange.

I'm learning to walk more carefully between the right ankle and the left hip. I practically hobbled once I was over the pass & heading down again.

The sun is still up at 7 pm & all I want to do is go to sleep. Set my hammock up at 'Dick's Lake' for the night. 

I don't think my shoulders have ever hurt so much..

I've made a couple of concessions to keep the wild wild. One is wearing long sleeves & pants to protect myself from the sun so I don't get sunscreen in all the little lakes that I've been swimming in. 2nd I'm using baking soda as toothpaste which isn't pleasant but I'll survive & the 3rd is carrying my toilet paper out. It's tempting to bury it in a hole, but I'll do the right thing.

It's strange not having a cellphone. Not being able to call anyone for a chat. There's other people around but I haven't carried on much of a conversation yet I'm still enjoying being on my own.

If I did hike with someone, we'd have to plane in advance where we're camping for the night because I've always been more of a turtle than a hare. I must have take over 100 breaks. Some of them were a few seconds but I needed to stop a lot.

I hope it gets easier. I didn't want to train for fear I wouldn't go once I realized how hard it would be.

One thing I believe I prepared well for is the cold, but it has been quite warm lat night so I've got to test that theory.

Day 3:

Less hard, but still very challenging. My feet did not feel great for the last mile out of 10, but I was eager to get to Lake Richardson so I powered through the pain with few breaks. I think in the beginning there's some amount of doubt of whether I can walk the distance with a pack on, so I'm in a bit of a rush to make sure I make it but as time goes on I'm realizing that I can do it. I started around 7am & arrived at ~2:30pm. 7 1/2 hr = 10 miles w/breaks :)

I figure I average ~1 1/2 per hr. Sometimes I'm faster & sometimes slower, when I'm hobbling. You can tell when you're tired b/c you start tripping. It's strange to have so much time at my destination having stared early. But I'm also not as exhausted either. 

I made some friends along the trail. We were leapfrogging each other yesterday & again today & ended up at the campgrounds around the same time. We had fun playing cards & chatting & they fed me some hot food. [The hot food was 2 packs of ramen which I suffered through the night after because of all the sodium!!! Not the best choice] They are doing 1/2 my distance but are much more experienced at backpacking then I am.

It's nice to have companions but it also makes me miss my friends more. I worried at first that a friend might not walk at the same pace, but if you mapped out the journey in advance & planned your camps, then it could still work out.

One day I'd like to do such a thing with a partner. I saw a few families on the trail with kids around 7 or 8 years old.

Oh  by the way I saw my first bear last night & it was terrifying. Luckily I had my food in a bear-proof container, but I was supposed to then put the container aways from where I slept, which I didn't, thought I did the 1st night.

He came bounding through camp & the noise woke me up so I pulled down the edge of my hammock to see what was up & I saw him stop mid-stride to turn around & then listened to him sniff around me and my bear canister.

Day 4:

These insects are bearable when everything is going well, but after 18 miles they're really starting to bug me (Haha). Flies, wasps, mosquitoes! The forest sounds like a busy freeway. I don't even want to eat because the wasps will come. They come anyways. Seems like they're attracted to everything. One of the people I hung out with yesterday is allergic. At least if I get stung it just feels bad for a bit then goes away.

18 miles was a bit much. I was suffering at the end. I wanted to cry. I felt lonely. I did see 2 day hikers, but they weren't the friendliest. All the overnight hikers have been extremely friendly. I guess we're all a bit lonely out here. It's nice to stop for a chat even if only for a couple of minutes.

I didn't mean to hike so far. I was uncertain if I had reached the point where I planned to stop because there aren't a lot of signs only when there's a fork. I'm sure it's to keep the trail as wild as possible. By the time I realized I have definitely missed my stop, I decided I'd just head for the next water source. Maps make things look close by. I read the mileage in pieces as it's written on the map & failed to put all the pieces together. Once I was committed I had to make it because I needed more water. So here I am at McCloud waterfall. I'm camping in the woods because there is no sites here or anywhere after until I pass Tahoe City tomorrow, which is 8.5 miles away. It'll be nice to sit down for a fresh salad after those 8.5 miles & call my family since I'll have phone reception. Today was probably the longest day, I won't do more than 18 miles.

The sun is setting & it's cooling down after a surprisingly hot day. I packed up & started walking at 7am as the air was already hot.I like to start early to walk in the cool air for a bit, but there was none today. I thought it was a bit strange so I wasn't surprised when I started hearing thunder around noon.

It rained a little and oh the air smelled sweet. Nothing like the smell of the forest after rain. One of my favorite moments so far. I was thinking I might have to set up my tarp tonight, but the storm blew somewhere else, which is nice. Rain is fun, but I think I'd be nervous that all my stuff would be wet& heavier! It's already so heavy. I'd say between 50 & 60 pounds at least. Plus water & food. Ouch. My joints are still unhappy, but they don't hurt as much as the day before. There's no way I would have made 18 miles before today. I always end up at camp with the sorest feet I've ever felt. And I have the largest blister known to man! It's the size of the entire side of my big toe, where it meets the long toe. Hasn't popped yet & I'm hoping it holds off. It doesn't hurt too bad & I'm concerned it might once it pops.

Well it cools off quickly in the forest! I'm going to finish setting up camp.

It's funny because I was so worried about being cold at night, but so far I've been too hot. I'm still glad that I made the extra preparations.

Day 5:

It's 5pm & I've already set up camp by the side of the trail. It's the first time I've chosen to stop without my feet telling me I need to. I've set my tarp up over the hammock to hide from the wasps so I can eat in peace.

It started to rain so I set it up properly so I could hide my stuff under the hammock so as not to get wet. All I can smell is my stinky feet & all I can hear is the bug highway.

Another storm. Another muggy day. But it certainly is cozy under a tarp in a hammock. Last night I hung the hammock lopsided & kept sliding to one end all night. Hopefully I've rectified that for tonight.

I wonder if it'll rain a bunch or just drizzle like it is now. I'm thinking about putting the food away sooner rather than later. I don't think I'll brush my teeth tonight in order to conserve water because the next water source is several miles away.

I fixed the tarp more securely with heavy rocks. I'm quite afraid to tromp around too much off the main path because I haven't figured out what kind of dwelling the wasps live in & I definitely don't want to step on a nest.

I think yesterday is catching up with me because I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open but I still have 2 hours until nightfall. It's actually kind of fun to do side trips without all the weight. Just leave your bag somewhere. It's a relief to walk without weight. 

The sun is back out so looks like it may have cleared up already. 

One thing that's been difficult that surprised me is how hard I've found it to eat. I thought I'd be hungry all the time, but between the wasps & the exhaustion & the pain, hunger is one of the last things than concerns me.

Now that I've gotten a few more groceries & I filled my water containers to the brim, my pack is at it's heaviest so that's a motivation to eat. And I was uncomfortable going to bed on an empty stomach last night.

I thought I would have a hearty meal in Tahoe City, but I was too tired to walk to a restaurant & it was really hot outside due to the impending storm. So I got some stuff at the grocery store to make a big salad, spent a bit of money too to make it nice with avocado, tomato & cottage cheese. But the only place to sit was outside & while I was just assembling the salad the wasps were swarming me so I tried to eat it while moving around but the city wasps are bigger & meaner. They do not fly away with a little shoo & they look prepared to sting. It made me lose my appetite & I ended up tossing most of the meal sadly.

I'm thinking maybe I need to stop to eat a proper amount at least midday & then again at camp. So maybe I could make a makeshift tent to keep the wasps away at midday with the tarp. It would be worth the effort. I'll try tomorrow. Then eat in my bed in the evening with the tarp over me. Pesky things. There's thousands of them & one of the mountain bikers stopped to chat & told me it's the worst he's seen of them in over 30 years. Says he has a trap at home & has to empty it a few times a day.

I like it when people stop to speak to me on the trail. Such a friendly chat I have with each of them.

One more thing I don't want to forget. Right before I went to sleep last night I was feeling a little nervous & I thought 'wouldn't it be comforting to hear an owl hooting' & that was the first thing I heard when I woke up.

Day 6:

The bees are really getting me down. I feel like I spend my day trying to get away from them. I also miss having plentiful water around.

I'm feeling a bit over it. I had a hard time enjoying the day because it felt like every time I took a break I was swarmed. So I tried to just keep going, but I got too hungry. Yay! & I put the tarp over my head & tucked it around me & shovelled some food down as fast as possible because man @ midday it was HOT under that tarp. I twas still a stressful experience to eat but I'm glad I did. Make you appreciate a kitchen :) Then about 1/2 mile (though I didn't know it yet) from my destination I was just too pooped to keep on so I just sat on the trail & let them buzz around me, too exhausted to do much else. I put my pack away from me b/c that seems to attract them so at least they're partially distracted.

I may try setting up the tarp & hammock & take a loong break halfway tomorrow. Then I can eat in peace & cool & maybe I can walk a little further. I spoke to a couple at my current campsite (Watson Lake) who told me that Grey Lake is a pretty sweet place to camp, but it's 16.4 miles away. I think I can do it if I take that break & suck it up & take some good ones on the trail too. I'm arriving at camp earlier than I need to be anyway. Today was 11 or 12. I can do 4.4 more? We will see. Feasable.

I was a bit dehydrated today & I filled my bags all the way in Tahoe City. Probably part of the crabby feeling & the 16.4 is also the distance to the next water so more motivation.

*situate break*

Well I made some sweet friends & they gave me some fruit & veggies. Very kind. We chatted for a bit, John & Carrie. Things be looking up. I had to scramble for the first time to finish setting up camp cause it started to get dark while we were chatting it up. We had a glass of wine & now I have a pretty bad headache. I turned down a second for hydration sake & I'm glad for it. I'm hoping it'll help me sleep tonight to have had the one & perhaps also to know someone who is camping close by.

-------------------------------The End

That's all I wrote, but from what I remember the next day I hiked out and ended up hitchhiking back to my house because I was hobbling so much. I went straight for the giant jacuzzi tub and soaked all the grime off. Then I put on some flipflops and a loose dress and stumbled up to the grocery for mac and cheese, pizza and premade salad which I took home and devoured. 

As much as I suffered, I look back on this adventure extremely fondly. It felt really good to realize a dream and gave me the confidence, and preparedness, for future strenuous excursions.

Delighted

It's been a challenging day for me. A bit of a general sense of feeling down, low, unmotivated, wanting to lie in bed and be still until it passes. But with these delightful moments interspersed in between. It reminds me of a cloudy day where the sun comes out a couple times for an hour and you bask in it and really appreciate it's short but much needed appearance. 

That's what deep connection feels like to me. Not only do I attempt to foster friendships in which I feel free to say anything, but I also am pursing work that allows me to push the boundaries of "polite" conversation. To break the mold of what people are meant to talk about and discuss, to dig deep underneath the conversation and to have a look at the mechanics that power it. Tinker. 

I love tinkering in people's minds, not in a malicious ways, but in a curious and thoughtful way to understand how they work, to experiment. What happens if I do this, put this here, combine these things. The human mind is truly fascinating. 

This means that I think quite intricately about things. My most recent partner said that I thought about everything too hard, and that can be a side effect. That perhaps I direct my mental energy on something that is detrimental, such as a storyline about how no one cares about me. It can be difficult to deconstruct these sturdy narratives because I have put a lot of thought into creating them. Otherwise, I retorted to him a few weeks later that perhaps he did not think deeply enough :P

It made me wonder, after we parted ways, if someone appreciating my ability to think is an important quality in a partner. I am also pretty certain that it is a privilege to think so deeply. To be able to organize and articulate complex ideas is a product of education which I am well aware that not everyone has access to. What does that mean for my education? How do I use it to benefit?

I have heard a lot of allies have been using their platforms to elevate black voices. To gather audiences because of my privilege and then let someone else do some of the talking. To share ideas. We build the stage and the following and then we select the people that stand on it. It's a lot of power. It's uncomfortable to wield. I have heard a number of people say that it's too uncomfortable and overwhelming that they feel paralyzed. I have heard that this paralysis is a white privileged excuse. 

I continue to see many sides of an argument as valid. I consider this one of my superpowers. It requires deep thought. It requires being able to notices that a low day is not only low, but there is still deep connection and laughter and moments of tenderness with myself and others interspersed throughout. Nothing is one thing. There is no one answer or reason. It depends on the day, it depends on the moment.

Reflecting on the Senses

It can be uncomfortable to engage in the senses of the body sometimes, living in my mind feels somewhat safe and in control. When I go into the senses the outside world feels like it has more control over me and I don't know what to expects. I enjoy the senses, they bring much pleasure, but so does the mind. New insights or pathways to solutions or new ways of thinking. It's delightful a.f. I know that the senses are an important part of living, my thoughts tell me so, but part of me also convinces me that they are less important and less worth exploring. There are multiple voices in my head arguing between sensation and cognition. I recently heard that there is a heart brain and a stomach brain, it reminded me of the concept of chakras and alignment. That we could potentially check in with all of them as we move through our lives. I feel like the world is most conducive to my head brain, but when I use all my senses to navigate the world I think, but I'm not sure, that I feel more joy, more contentment, more satisfaction and more. I wonder if it's just a 'grass is greener' story or if it's true? I have a lot of stories that prevent me from feeling like I'm living my life to the fullest. It feels like contentment is mostly out of reach. I feel like self-improvement is a state of being. I feel like I'm just waiting for a partner sometimes and I don't really like that.

I've been having a friend stay with me for the past week and the sense of companionship has brought out my silly side, it's brought out my playful side, it's brought out the side of me that loves to be alone and feels annoyed at this interruption, it has allowed me to relax in new ways to have someone else around, it's made me eat meals more consistently. It's mostly brought pleasant emotions and in it's wake some fear of returning to being alone again. I know that I'm not alone, but it's nice to have a bed companion sometimes. Maybe I'll have more sleepovers, but it feels like Covid prevents that. But if Covid weren't a factor, it feels like I'm not supposed to have sleepovers because I'm an adult. It feels impractical and most people want the comfort of their own bed. I think that's the difference between listening to the brain and ignoring the body.

The brain is very practical. Silly, funny, playful...these are not cognitive activities. They are sensory, they come from the heart and potentially the stomach. Doing various accents and improvising lyrics are not cognitive, actually cognition plays a role, but it involves the other brains too. I'm sad to say goodbye to my friend, but I celebrate the week we spent as companions. I recognize that the circumstances cannot be created, as they are that she is in between residences at this time. So it's a delight to celebrate visitors.

Visitors from past lives, and past phases of our lives. From times where we were pursuing other dreams, still relevant in some way. We are never different, just different interpretations of ourselves. We were always ourselves. As I transition back to being alone, I want to remember the silly/playful me and know that she is always here, waiting for inspiration.

Obsessive Thoughts

What are obsessive thoughts trying to tell us? Why are they occuring? Ruminating through our minds? Do they have a message? Are they a necessary evil of being human? An addict? Mentally unwell?

I don't have any particular answers, but I experience immense amounts of shame in response to my experience of obsession, especially when it involves another person. I obsess when I'm in conflict with someone or I'm imagining conflict with someone. I obsess when I interact with someone and I'm not feeling very good about myself. Days will pass and I cannot get it out of my mind. It feels like I'm flogging myself with the thought, punishing myself for doing something 'wrong'. 

Is this a way to keep myself safe? The weird tendencies are always attempts to protect ourselves. What am I protecting myself from? I guess I have lived in fear of loneliness. I've recently felt less concerned with being lonely, but that doesn't mean that old habits will not continue to arise. It's a process to evolve. 

What do I need to hear? There is no one moment that can make or break a connection with someone. It is in fact a buildup of exchanges. There is no one catastrophic mistake. Apologies are often an option. If someone is meant so be my friend then the relationship will persevere. I forgive myself and celebrate my mistakes. I recognize that conflict is often an opportunity to become closer with someone and to deepen the relationship. That includes myself. 

I feel like this conflict is between myself and the Goddess. I feel that I've worked hard in my life to shift my perspective and it's not fair that I still ruminate and obsess over small and trivial interactions. Maybe it isn't about something small though. Maybe it is a big deal, maybe the things I'm attempting are magnificent and huge! Maybe they are worthy of obsession. Maybe they are important.

Changing long-term habits is important. Reorganizing thoughts to reflect my true values is important. Dissolving old biases is important. Efforts today may have impacts on areas of my life that I never imagined. Everything is connected. It's easy to pretend otherwise, but there's a ripple effect on many areas of my life when I change something like loneliness. It's not even that I have more people in my life, it's that I celebrate the one's that were already there. It's not just my relationship with others that feels different, I enjoy my own company more. It's not just relationships with people, I feel more comfortable going outside and more confident pursuing my interests and more connection to what I eat and consume and the earth. 

Things can appear very small, but maybe they're worth obsessing over.

UBI continued

I have recently had conversations with several people who have felt relieved by the opportunity to isolate. The majority of these individuals identify as introverted, struggle with mental health problems, or are recovering from trauma. Something that all of these individuals have in common is that they have finite amounts of social energy in a world where often it takes all of it just to survive.
The majority of jobs require interacting with other people. After a day of this, these individual's, if they're lucky, have a safe place to return to and recharge from what has likely been an exhausting and overwhelming experience. After a week of this, who has the energy to even clean the house?
Personally I have been enjoying the opportunity to curate who I interact with during the pandemic. My energy is a valuable resource and I don't really want to waste it. Life is precious and I want to interact with those that I feel safe around, those that lift my spirits up, and use my energy to do things that matter to me.
I do not identify as lazy in any way. I don't believe in the concept of lazy. I think that 'lazy' is used to shame those that are psychologically overwhelmed by those who are either in positions of privilege where their circumstances cater to their personalities or they have also been shamed using this term.
The amount of safety and emotional security that I have experienced as a result of deciding who I do and do not interact with, has been overwhelming. It has hit an all time high during the pandemic. In some ways, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. A miracle.
This is possible because I was already in certain financial situation, because I already had a certain amount of opportunity due to my class, race, able-bodiedness.

Pleasure

What is pleasure? I feel like I associate the work with sex and yet it is so much more than sex. Google dictionary defines it as, "a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment". That means that pleasure can extend to any area of life. Here is a list of some pleasures I have enjoyed recently:

-butter and peanut butter on sourdough toast
-clean bedsheets
-a run up the street
-petting the sweet cat in the neighborhood
-an afternoon nap
-a good stretch
-a hot bath
-a chat with a close friend
-sitting by the ocean and watching the water move

Pleasure exists in all facets of my experience of the world. From inside my mind, to outside my body, with my eyes, ears or senses. There is so much in this world that can be experienced as pleasurable and it's easier to notice when I'm not in a rush. Being overly busy and rushing around is generally not a very pleasurable experience. It can reduce the amount of time that I spend with pleasure and keep me future-focused. I need to be in the moment to experience pleasure. Many of us live in the future to maintain a sense of control or security over what's to come. I understand. We can't actually control things, and the harder we try, the more out of control things feel when they don't go 'our way' as planned.
Letting go is the hardest and most pleasurable thing to do. Recognizing that today I need to enjoy pleasure so that later my mind is oriented to enjoy it and notice it. It is a practice.
Today I choose pleasure, who knows about tomorrow?

What if no one hugs me for a year?

With COVID people are social distancing and as someone that lives alone, that means I have no one in my 'germ bubble'. I have no pets, but my unicorn stuffy whom I cuddle to sleep every night.
I generally like to think on the bright side and perhaps physical touch will take on a new and more intentional meaning to people. That could be nice, but I can't help but feel a little bit terrified that no one will touch me for an undefined and potentially quite long period of time.
I could say, at least I have a roof over my head and I'm warm and fed. I am extremely grateful for these things and I thank the goddess every day. That does not remove the pain of the loss of physical touch from my life.
It's a searing pain I feel behind my eyes and in my throat and tight in my chest and jaw. The fear of a new kind of loneliness.
I know I will survive and potentially the outcome will be positive, but for now, I am in grief and fear.

The world inside and Universal Basic Income

The forest inside my belly (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awtmTJW9ic8) is an amazing thing to comprehend. The researcher (Ruairi Robertson) points out that the bacteria in your gut not only weighs the same as your brain, but is as diverse as the amazon rainforest! Insanity! He also mentions that we have been depleting it, much like actual forests, through not eating enough variety. This blows my mind the parallel between inside our guts and the actual earth. So many feelings.
How much is the world a reflection of how we feel about ourselves? Do we recreate our family dynamics wherever we go? I know we treat others like we treat ourselves. The more harsh of a voice you speak to yourself with, the same will happen when you're confronting another.
These types of parallel lend to my concept of spirituality. God (or whatever you refer to spiritual energy as) is in everyone and everything. We are a tiny planet, in a vast universe. What we foster in ourselves is reflected in everything we do.
I've been researching Universal Basic Income for a discussion group that I am a part of and I'm left wondering, if every human truly loved themselves deeply, would they ever let other humans suffer? Because, for me, that's what it feels like this comes down to. It's about providing everyone with their basic needs. One of the arguments against it is around the strength of the economy, which I don't have a great knowledge of. If we asked those that are suffering due to a lack of basic needs, how much of a shit do they give around the strength of our economy? Who is the strength of the economy benefitting?
Next argument might be, well it's benefitting most of us and why should most of us sacrifice for a minority that are suffering? Because no one should be suffering to be fed and sheltered in a wealthy and prolific country that has so much food waste. That is just blasphemy. Literal blasphemy.
I'm sure there are arguments that I have not considered in my hour of research on the topic, and I welcome oppositional viewpoints because they interest me deeply. One more such viewpoint is that though the research done was successful and had positive results, that it was time-limited and there are likely impacts that we cannot predict. Most feared by this argument is that people will not want to work and the workforce will dwindle.
What is work? What draws us to working? Is it only survival? It's hard for me personally to comprehend not having to work for a lifetime. I'm definitely enjoying it now, mostly because I am studying for work that I am really passionate about and I want that extra time to dig in to the topics I"m being exposed to. But I like to be engaged and busy. Perhaps to a fault where I take on too much, but part of it is a fear of surviving, which I addressed in my last post.
What would my motivation to work look like if I were not afraid of surviving?
We ask a miracle question in Solution Focused Therapy that goes like this: 'if I woke up tomorrow and my fear of surviving was no longer in my life, then what would life feel like, how would I behave, what would other people notice about me, what would be different?'
I'd feel lighter. When I woke up in the morning, I wouldn't be racking my brain for the day or what I'm 'supposed' to be doing, I'd be in the moment. I wouldn't have this judgement of myself and heaviness of feeling like I need to be productive in some way. Other people would notice because I'd be more cheerful and less preoccupied. I'd enjoy how I spent my time without being concerned that it was good or bad. I'd feel ownership over my time.
I don't know about the rest of humanity, but I have felt like a slave to my job. I've felt like I"m not allow to speak up for myself, that I'm supposed to just do what I'm told and keep my mouth shut. There isn't a lot of agency in most work. Perhaps some of that is in my head and I'm recreating the dynamic of my authoritarian parent, but would their voice go away if I felt like my job was grateful to have me?
It's not that I haven't had any jobs where I didn't feel they were grateful to have me, but sometimes I didn't like the job and the gratitude might be that it was hard to find people for the job because it wasn't very enjoyable. How would UBI impact jobs that people don't want to do? What jobs would those be?

Shame and Forgiveness

I had such a scrumptious sleep last night, waking up feeling super refreshed with bright sunshine and music in my heart. A feeling of relief after a conflict was resolved with a friend last night. I am not proud that conflict consumes my mind so. In fact it is the consumption of my mind that is more difficult than that conflict itself. It is my emotional responses to things that create more shame than the actual stimulus. I am consistently judging myself for my emotional world.
This does not surprise me because emotions were discouraged when I was growing up. I got the message that they made you 'stupid' and unreasonable. Intelligence was held in highest regard and as a female I felt (and feel) that I have more to prove. It took me a long time to recognize that I was intelligent and I still feel sensitive about it sometimes.
I don't think I am alone in believing that emotions are the antithesis to intelligence, as this has been one of the biggest arguments around putting women into powerful positions in government and companies. So they are good enough to raise the men in those positions, but not good enough to assume those positions? Interesting logic.
So I wonder, what role do emotions play? Because I do think it is important to consider them when  making decisions. Emotional health is a seriously important aspect of human lives and I think that it's being acknowledged in the public sphere more and more. It's also called mental health because when your emotional wellness is terrible, then you have mental health problems. Yet, I have not heard this connection voiced by anyone.
So to maintain my emotional wellness, it has been critical to start talking about the emotions I experience. Often, if I'm feeling resistant to doing something in particular, I've noticed that if I share it with someone I will likely be able to follow through. One example is that I'll be aware that the best thing for me is to go outside because I have been in all day working on schoolwork. I feel resistant to doing it, then shame for not taking good care of myself. The shame in response to feeling like I can't take care of myself will immobilize me to the point of not going outside at all. Then if I share about this experience with a friend or empathetic ear, even in a voicemessage, I can often go do my thing. It's pretty interesting.
So in the end I need others to take care of myself. I have learned how to ask for help. I know that I need others and there's no shame in that. I use to feel pretty distrusting of others so that made it more complicated. Now, there are moments of distrust, but I'm feeling a general sense of being closer to people and a part of things and like I belong.
So shame, is unavoidable, as Brene Brown will remind us. She mentioned in a recent podcast where she interviews Harriet Learner (AMAZING conversation) that one of the biggest misperceptions people have of her is that she doesn't feel shame anymore because she researches is. (I'm guilty of this thought). But it's not true. It's a human experience. Perhaps she recognizes it more quickly and potentially attends to it, I'm not sure. A friend of mine have this term: 'shame spiral', which I wrote about while I was in one in a recent post. It's shame on top of shame.
This is the immobilizing factor that I'm talking about. Where I know what's best, but I don't inherently feel motivated to do it. This happens with decisions around the food I eat, whether or not I engage in the physical activity I deem necessary, making mistakes in social interactions. Basically, around getting my survival needs met.
I'm actually having this insight as I'm writing. I knew that I had a fear that I would not be able to care for myself financially, but I did not realize that it was so deep as to meet my daily survival needs. I will have to ponder this. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for my suicide attempt in 2003. I gave myself the message that survival was not a priority:

Dear self,
I forgive you for your suicide attempt. I deeply understand what motivated you at the time (substance use, severe emotional conflict), but those factors are no longer present in your life. Even if new factors arise that put me in a similar position, I survived last time and I'll likely survive again. I have so many new skills to express and validate my emotional self. My self-awareness is a trillion times better. I have a healthy spiritual life. Strong communities that rally around me. I have repaired and deepened relationships with family members. I am amazing. I deserve forgiveness and I have worked extremely hard for it. While I am certain that you deserve to live a long and interesting life, if you did decide that suicide was the answer at some point I would still love you. You are lovable no matter what.

Love,
Yourself

Betrayal, projection, secrets

I am heavy in mind and body. Not in an emotional way, but physically. I feel pinned to the couch and relaxed. There is so much I have learned and so much yet to be learned.
I've been contemplating the concept that 'the personal is political' and wondering exactly what it means in application. What came to mind, since I'm studying family counselling at the moment, was how much our upbringing is carried with us into our adult lives. That secrets, habits, values, coping styles are all things we learn originally from family members.
I wonder how much we try to recreate our families after we leave home. Do we search for figures that remind us of our siblings and parents, or aunts and grandparents to incorporate into our lives if we move away from them? Do political figures and bosses of companies try to run the ship like their father or mother ran the household? Are well all just recreating our past trying to understand and process it, using the members of our community as puppets while they try to use us for the same?
It can be extremely challenging when people don't behave as we want them to or expect them to. I know I've spent a lot of my life trying to inadvertently control others through what I say and do, or not say and not do. It's the invisible messages that I find most fascinating and frustrating.
I know we're taught in the counselling setting, if we don't name and have sight of our past, we will attempt to recreate scenarios with our clients, potentially believing in the moment that they are a member of our family and treating them as such. This is called countertranference, and it can happen with the client as well..transference. Recently I asked myself why I was afraid that something was under my bed and I realized that it was a great metaphor for unfinished business because if we're not acknowledging something in our lives, we con't have control if it arises in our dreams. That's what's under the bed, unfinished and ignored business.
I see cycles of the same thing happening in my life and wanting to change, but habits are so comfortable and familiar and they feel safe. It's a lot of work to identify them and try something new. It's terrifying to feel like I need the comfort of my habit and vulnerable and remind myself to try the new thing. Untethered. Unknown outcome. Perhaps it won't work, it it worth the effort, I'm tired from my day...lots of great excuses.
Not all patterns are repeated. My parents were married at 19/22 and had children at 30/33. Not my life, but these ages definitely felt potent for me. I guess the cycle was that I had to reevaluate my experience and wonder if that's what I was supposed? wanted? to do.
I love my life. Of course there are lots of challenges and fears, but for the most part I do things I enjoy, talk to interesting people, eat delicious things, want for little. Sometimes what I want for I already have. Some would call that capitalism. I think it's a mental health problem.
It's most often connection and care. Somewhere along the way, my circumstances led me to believe that I didn't have enough people I could relate to and even now that I do, it can feel like I don't. There's a lot of love in my life, but sometimes my system malfunctions and tells me otherwise. Warning! Warning! You are lonely, you are alone, you will always be alone.
I've come to understand that it's not true and even when I reflect on past times in my life where it felt true, I am starting to remember that there were people there for me. It was a brain malfunction. It was easy to push people away because I was arranging my reality how I perceived it, instead of perceiving reality as it is.
This is part of what family secrets do to you, especially when they impact you directly. It feels like you can't tell anyone because it would be a betrayal of your family. It feels lonely and heavy to carry it. Your family members most often don't discuss it openly because there's shame attached to it. It comes up at family reunions and things get super weird. It's lonely and it contributes to the shape of your reality.
Betrayal is an interesting thing. It feels very controlling, either feelings like I'm being controlled or gaining control. It's very potent and dark. Is betrayal intentional? Is it necessary at times? Is it evil?
The internet uses synonyms like disloyalty, bad faith, treachery.  Do we sometimes need to choose between betraying someone else and betraying ourselves? Are we occasionally put in what feels like impossible situations where we need to choose ourselves or we feel like we want to die? Does betraying someone we love make us feel like we want to die anyway? How do we weigh the costs, especially when the telling is a betrayal and therefore there is no one to consult except the Goddess? Maybe the Goddess is enough of a consult.
I prefer not to be involved in harmful secrets anymore. I don't value being a vault for anyone, I think it's a false sense of intimacy and potentially...as I say this I think of the confidentiality of being a counsellor and secrets of clients. I guess that's different because I don't feel like stranger's secrets are as personal. Hmmm...I'm. not sure what I think.
Can we help to carry the weight of another's secret? Is that a characteristic of friendship? Motherhood? Counsellorship? Ministry?
The law designates what we need to tell, harm to children is at the top of the list. Some secrets are never safe after being told.
I guess I just don't want any secrets of my own to be kept to myself. I need to be an open book with trusted others. I am able to keep other's secrets, sometimes I need to process my reaction to them with others if they remind me about my own experience. Otherwise, I don't know that secrets can be considered inherently 'bad'. Just like everything...there is no black and white. No answer or definitive solution.

Shame Spirals

This is a term a friend of mine who identifies as BPD uses often with me. I can totally understand what it means. When I'm obsessing about having done something wrong. For me, this is most often in the context of a social interaction. One thing I've identified that triggers these responses for me is if someone wants to address a conflict they're experiencing with me over text or email. It also happens when I attempt to address a conflict over text or email.
I feel so trapped and cornered in text format. There's so much room to (mis)interpret what's going on for the worst on my end. My hope is that now that I've identified this I can move to a place of recognition. Maybe I can notice this is an area that is not my strength and ask for help.
I feel so much judgement for myself because I want to be able to receive criticism. I know that conflict is important for the growth of relationships. I feel like a bad and incapable human that it's putting me in a shame spiral. I know I am not either of those things, there is tons of evidence to the contrary. I've had many successful relationships.
Connection is rare I've come to realize. To enter someone's life at the right time that there is opportunity to connect is a pretty rare thing. Even if there's lots of commonality, there isn't necessarily opportunity. Between mental health, commitments, and time, it's difficult to align with others in a meaningful way.
So I will try to be grateful for the connections I already have. For the beautiful people I've met and connected with along the way. Even if it was brief, it was still beautiful. For the many people in all the different places I've lived and travelled, who shared a moment of joy, sorrow or love with me. I sent love to them all. We were in the right place at the right time on Goddess time and it was a beautiful thing.
I look forward to more of those times and I always have enough. I am always connected, I have never been alone. I am loved and cared for. Bless

Chasing Magic

I believe in magic. I have experienced it in the wonders of the world, the intense nature of the earth, the images I've seen of the galaxy, my understanding of the universe, the connection I feel with other people. These are all experiences of magic.
Sometimes I'm not attuned to the magic because I get so caught up in feeling afraid that I can't survive. I rush around trying to "make ends meet", saying yes to every job and every opportunity and every request for friendship because I'm in fear. I'm afraid that there will never be enough money, or friends, or partners. That I'm a bottomless pit that cannot be filled.
Though I know that is not true, these feelings and thoughts live deep in my mind and hold vigil in my body: my thighs, shoulders, neck, tensing and ready to run and escape what feels like threat to my survival.
Being closer to home for several weeks has given me a chance to unwind my body and thoughts through pauses, yoga, meditation, time to think in a calm and relaxed way. With nowhere to go I can move about without wondering if there's something I'm missing, something else I'm supposed to be doing, someone else that I'm responsible to that I'm letting down.
Because of my privilege I live alone with no one to be accountable to except my landlords and occasionally my neighbours. And myself. And the Goddess. I am grateful for my circumstances. I wonder why I don't allow myself to rest on my privilege more often.
Why do I feel like my survival is threatened?
Who or what is the threat?
Perhaps I empathize with the earth and the homeless and the marginalized, as I have felt the pain of exclusion briefly and I cannot imagine a life filled with it at every turn. I don't understand how I can live in a world that harms, so much harm. Yet there is also beauty to witness. If I turn my eyes to the beauty will I forget the harm and will I stop being a 'good' citizen because people are suffering without witness?
But sometimes suffering is turned into beauty. Beautiful things arise from pain, coalitions and art and voices and connection. Is it my job to prevent others from getting hurt? What is my privilege for? Do I owe the world? How do I pay back? Is gratitude for and enjoyment of my privilege acceptable? Is it payment? Do I need to do great things? Do I need to suffer and struggle in attempts to do great things? Is my suffering helping anyone? Is anyone even noticing?
I want so badly to be useful, helpful, make a difference. And yet I know the discomfort of someone trying to help me when I don't ask. The feeling that I am being given what I do not actually need, that I cannot say stop because they are just "being nice" when they are just trying to fill a hole inside themselves and use me and my suffering to justify their own existence. This is a selfish act because they did not stop to listen or hear me and what I need, they took over, took responsibility, took away my agency.
I have been on both sides of this dance. Being selfish, taking away someone else's agency, knowing 'what's best' for them because it worked for me or because it's what I feel like doing for them. No actual care for them, I just want to feel better, feel 'good' about myself. Be able to say 'I am helpful', 'I am good'. 'I am worthy.'
Worthy.
Worthy.
Worthy.
Such a powerful word. It feels fierce and magnetic.
How is worth determined? Is it individual? We all have our own gauges for what is worth our time, money, friendship, energy, attention?
Worthiness comes from inside. But do we feel like it's a resource that we need to fight over? The helpers needing to help until they are so drained that they don't even notice that they are being thanked. Doing being so worshipped that we don't even stop to enjoy the feeling of pride, enjoyment, satisfaction? There's always more to have, to achieve, to want, to covet.
The magic is in between. In the pause. In the recognition of achievement. In the moment. So hard to find and yet worth...

Miracles

I'm living a miracle. I've come to this conclusion in many ways recently, you know...serendipity. Life is literally a miracle and yet, it can be so easy to forget that. To forget the fact that I exist is a goddamn freaking impossibility as far as anyone can explain. It's hilarious!

It's magical to think about and I am magic. I am made of stardust, how much more magical could I possibly be??? Made of stars...phhhhhhh, I revel in amazement.

That isn't the only miracle, there are so many others floating around every day. The way I'm changing how I live my life. My brain and my ability to think super complex thoughts. Knowing the limits of what I understand is a miracle. Human connection is a miracle! Birth is a miracle!!!! How our bodies function is a FREAKING miracle.

I'm giddy just thinking about it all. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the stressful things, to focus on them. And I get it, the part of my brain wants to protect me and it's a little more active than the average persons. Maybe that's a super power? :D

My sensitivity could definitely act as a superpower if I was able to shift my thinking about it. I've considered it a burden for so long, but its got its benefits also. I'm aware of subtlety. Nuances in conversation, sensation, smell, aurally. Maybe not so much visually, but when I'm practicing visual art, I begin to hone in that way. 

I've felt frustrated by this sensitivity because the world can feel like too much, too overwhelming at times. Lately, since I've had a lot more time to myself during COVID, I can relax and feel overwhelmed by one thing at a time. Really pay attention to how different things make me feel. 

I don't want things to go back to 'normal'. I also want to enjoy what is and accept what will be. 

When there's a lot going on, it's harder to understand where my feelings are coming from. I'm not sure if that's important though.

In counselling we can either address the origination of client's feelings, or we can focus on how they're manifesting today. Different strokes for different folks. I like both when I'm the client. I find that I get insight out of the patterns that arise from the past and that can help me surrender longer standing habits. It's pretty amazing how we pick things up from our ancestors. 

The final miracle is that I'm sober. Being sober has turned my life around. I could easily say that I was pretty status quo when I drank, my life was very functional. A lot of people would say that my drinking didn't 'get in the way' of me living a normal existence. But it eroded my ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. It stunted my emotional and relational growth. It stopped me from dealing with the things that drove me to want to drink and forget. 

And you know what, I wasn't ready to and now I am. It takes capacity to make those choices and to deal with those things and I did it on the Goddess' time. I don't regret my experience, it was joyful and painful and it was mine. It made me who I am. And I am a miracle, made of stardust.

Reattaching self-worth to myself

I feel this incredible shame whenever I'm attracted to someone and like in every interaction we have I'm making so many mistakes and acting a fool. Logically I know that it's completely normal to feel attraction, I'm human, I'm a sexual reproductive being. In the past I've just acted on attraction like I had to sleep with or be with every person that looks good. Which is totally unrealistic. I know.
So now attraction comes with so many emotions. I'm so fearful of rejection that I start feeling rejected right away. Like it's already happened. So much discomfort. This is so awkward to write about too. I'm so uncomfortable right now and I want to stop but I'm pushing through because I seek relief.
I've been meditating on separating myself-worth from the people I'm attracted to. I had a visualization last night where I lifted the hood of my brain and rolled in, like under a car, and pulled the hose out that connected my self-worth to people I find attractive. My self-worth belongs to me and I need it to be attached to things I have control over, which is not other people.
I also imagined myself I'm in a glass bubble, and people I'm attracted to are on the outside. Inside the glass bubble is what I do have control over: my behaviour, allowing myself to feel my emotions without dominating or controlling my behaviour, my integrity, my pleasure. Ooo, I like that last one. My pleasure is in my control.
It's true because even doing something like remember and working towards solidifying a new concept of where my self-worth is fuelled, brings me so much pleasure. Mmmmmm yeah. I love taking charge of my self-worth baby. So hot, so delicious. So sexy!!!! :) :)
I deserve to own it. It is mine after all and I don't want some stranger's pretty face telling me if I can love myself or not, only my pretty face. So I woke up today reminding myself of my new lifestyle choice, praising myself for a job well done and fuelling my own self-worth. Mmmm honey, you are incredible. Mmmhmmm, you're so intelligent and you're doing such a good job at school. You've got such a great system for writing papers, a little each day, soaking in the learning, really becoming who you want to be and letting go of baggage. You don't need perfection, it's all about the journey honey. You deserve love, you deserve care. Mmmm, this bed is so comfy and you make it that way for yourself because you deserve to be cozy a.f. You are a sensual goddess baby!!!
*Warm Heart Fuzzies Ensue*

Quivering Heart

My quivering heart yearns for connection and fears that it is not available. This is an old fear, as now that I am sober and mentally well, I am able to recall moment upon moment of genuine connection: tears, laughter, silence, deep conversation. With myself, spirit and others. It takes time for the memory to catch up with reality. The fear that past hurts will resurface remains for some times.
I must experience this recall of the good moments to soothe my quivering heart. To gently coddle it with tenderness, with memories of tender. It is unsure, wanting to hope, but hope feels so uncertain and potentially not safe.
Hope is such an interesting emotion. It feels quite elusive, unknowing, is it really there? Hard to pinpoint in the body as it's quite gentle and soft. It allows us to use our imagination for what could be. To allow our creative thoughts to go wild and explode with possibility. What about this?! And this?! It's exciting.
Excitement is another strange emotion that I can often get confused with fear. Am I excited or am I anxious? It can be hard to tell. They have similar physiological characteristics: a buzzing in the chest and head, urge to move the arms and do, brightness in the eyes trying to see danger or incredible beauty.
It is irony such as this that gives me great joy to reflect on. Needing to catch the slightest, nuanced differences and really pay attention to know what's going on. If I'm caught up in the past then I will project that onto my current experience. A fearful past will always divert to fear, even if excitement is a possibility.
There's privilege in recognizing this. Privilege in having the time to contemplate it. In having the education to develop the tools of deep thought. In having the resources to have the time. In having the ancestors to encourage critical thought as a value. In being white, cis, able in a white not having to cope with visibly standing out.
These privileges are awkward to name, but I choose to take pleasure out of recognizing and labelling them. Despite my quivering heart, or for it, I recognize and feel gratitude for my privilege. It gives me the strength for fight for what is in my integrity. To know when something is not in alignment with my values and to speak up about it. To create waves in other ways despite not having the most popular opinion.
Be still my quivering heart, for we have won.

Dear Dad

Dad,
Thank you for the funds to continue my education. I appreciate the support and am enjoying my masters in counselling immensely. It is helping me to grow and I feel extremely passionate about the material and a potential future career.
I was surprised by your letter and your assistance considering we haven't spoken in some time. I am not able to forget our most recent exchange without continuing to address it. I wish it were something that I could sweep under the rug so easily, but that type of coping has already caused me more trouble than it's worth.
Everything I spoke to in my initial letter is still true to me. Despite you may not perceiving your behaviour as sexually threatening, I must assure you that it very much felt that way to me. I was not only a child when you were making sexual comments about me and grabbing my butt, but a sensitive person. The way that you behaved towards me led me to feel terrified and extremely unsafe for much of my life. I have experienced a great deal of anxiety as an adult, including panic attacks that have been triggered by interactions I have had with you.
I believe that you were doing the best you could as a parent. I understand that parenting is not easy and am not sure of my own desire to become one. I wish I had felt that I could have expressed to you more directly how I was feeling at the time. Holding in my feelings in was very harmful to me psychologically and contributed to my desire to suicide as a teen and ongoing feelings of suicidality as an adult.
I'm not sure if you know this but, I endured quite a bit of sexual violence in my undergrad including rape, assault, harassment and stalking. These experiences have likely further fed into my fear and discomfort around men. These events were not your fault, but reminded me of the feeling of powerlessness that I felt when I was a teen when you made flirtatious comments towards me.
I feel like you don't and can't understand the connection here. We are very different people and I get the sense that you do not value the emotional world as I do. I believe this is quite a significant obstacle to us having a relationship.
I am an emotionally-oriented person, it is something that I do not feel I have a choice about. In the past, I attempted to drink and think my way out of my emotional world, but that behaviour contributed to my poor mental health. As I've become older and attended to my emotional life with more care, I have reduced my experience of suicidality and felt more confident. I believe that this effort lent me the confidence to return to school and pursue more lofty goals.
What I desire most is to have a father that interacts with me in a completely platonic way. This is not a normal request for a daughter to have to make. I have come to understand that this is standard behaviour for a father and your flirtatious style of interacting is out of the norm.
I do not know how to reconnect. It is not for a lack of care, love, or effort. All of my life I have wanted to feel safe around you. I have tried everything I can think of to make peace with my emotional experience and reactions to you. I have poured hours of time into counselling, groups, art, self-reflection, meditation, convincing, and forcing myself to let go of the past. Because I love you very much and I have been feeling so ashamed that I am afraid of you in this way. I am afraid I did something to make you feel sexual towards me. That I was a bad daughter and somehow I caused this.
I can no longer think that way because it is not useful to me. It hurts me. I cannot take responsibility for your parenting or your behaviour. Only you can. If you want a relationship with me then I need you to make the effort to understand my experience. I don't know what to do. I'm sad and I miss you, but I am unwilling to return to a reality where I hide how I'm feeling around you and pretend I'm fine. I would literally rather die because that's what hiding my feelings makes me want to do.

Reclaiming my body

I feel peaceful. Yesterday I began painting a mural in my room. It's a copy of a self-portrait I drew several years ago of a nude woman clinging to her body, hugging it into herself with her eyes closed and an expression of protectiveness on her face. Around the time that I did this piece I was sexually assaulted by a married man who was a friend of my boyfriends while he was outside having a cigarette. We had all been drinking and I was drunk, I felt a false sense of security because of the man being married, and had children, I didn't expect that he would touch me sexually and because my partner was there I thought I was safe. At that time in my life I had not yet taken ownership or responsibility of my own safety. I thought that I could blindly rely on pretense.
It was not the first time that a man touched me in a way that was unwelcome, so this experience brought up a lot of emotion from the past, in addition to what I was feeling in the current situation. I remember slurring to my boyfriend that things had gone too far, but can't remember that anything happened next. Likely I began to keep my distance from the friend.
I was unaware that the drawing was about this experience until, several years later, a friend of mine alerted me to an art show that was about sexual violence awareness. I submitted the drawing along with a couple of others, that I came to see were all about me trying to understand my pain and reclaim myself before I was ready to admit it. I was secretly healing because the fear that I would forever be broken, and there was no point in even trying, consumed my conscious mind.
I've recently felt this calling to make large art so I realized that I needed to recreate the drawing as a mural. After some semblance of completion, I lay on my bed and stared at it. I feel hope, I feel joy, I feel so much love for the original artist. My past self was always taking care of me.

No matter the despair you feel, there is a part of you that is secretly fighting for your life on the sidelines.

Getting Old(er)

One thing I noticed that as I got older is that I became more and more careful with my body. I don't think it was a healthy careful, but more motivated by fear. As someone who has experienced bouts of depression, I knew that bodily injury was rife with opportunity to be depressed: change in schedule, reduction in exercise, a new, likely unwanted normal.
Sometimes these injuries are the result of us trying something new and feeling excited about the prospect of this new thing in our lives and so there's the disappointment and sense of failure that can accompany establishing the 'new normal'.
Yesterday, in the midst of having extra time on my hands, due to good old Covie, I decided to do a handstand not against the wall. Last year I started doing acroyoga with a group in town and I had so much (supervised) fun. I started feeling stronger and motivated to practice my handstands (against the wall). It had been awhile and I missed the fun of it so I thought, throw up an old handstand. I had rearranged my apartment so there was no good wallspace...
I fell.
No one was around, as I live alone, and the little child in me is like, "if a tree falls and no one hears it..." The pain was delayed by this thought for a few seconds before it slammed into my nervous system. Man! I haven't felt that kind of pain in awhile. It reminded me of just how careful I am always being with trying to prevent injury. It also reminded me of the rush that comes with the adrenaline of toeing the line of potential injury.
It hurts and I'm concerned that I can't run or do yoga which I've put a lot of effort into creating these habits. But I can get back into them when I feel better. I am RESILIENT! I've put a lot of effort into creating resiliency. Because these physical situations can also apply to emotional ones.
We can spend our lives avoiding putting ourselves in precarious emotional situations, not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and therefore not getting hurt. But it does hurt. It reminds us of the pain that we had experienced to create that level of protection, we continue to live in that former pain and it rules our lives. Or we can celebrate that pain and recognize that it represents our spirit to try new things, to trust, to experiment.
I don't regret the handstand. I know I'm getting older and I need the wall. That's not going to stop me.

Attraction

Attraction is really uncomfortable for me. In the past I had trouble differentiating between being attracted to someone and acting on it. I felt that the intensity of my experience of attraction felt so intense that the object of it must notice. While perhaps it is difficult to completely obfuscate when I'm attracted to someone, I now understand that I can make some decisions as to how I allow it to influence my behaviour. To some extent.
Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of attraction. I recently read an academic article that was comparing the neurochemistry of interacting with your baby and with someone that you're in the throes of new love with. Apparently they both inhibit the same part of your brain that does critical thinking. So just like how you still love your baby despite it's high pitched enduring screams, you still feel loving towards you new flower despite their very obvious drug addiction.
So how do we navigate these waters so that attraction does not become disaster? There are some strategies that I try to employ. I try not to keep my attraction to someone a secret from trusted others in my life. I have learned not to tell them because that creates more fireworks. Secrets also create intrigue and adrenaline. Being mindful of where and the length of time I spend with someone I'm feeling amorous toward has been helpful. Noticing how I interact with them through text, making conscious decisions to flirt, or not.
This is all to protect myself from yet another relationship with someone who's not quite a good fit for my temperament. Not that I regret any of the partners I have had, I still even have a lot of love (but no contact) with the drug addict. But I'm getting old and my energy is more focused on the other luxuries in life, like spending time on my own, being still, writing!
Relationships take up a lot of time and energy, and that's great when they enhance your life, but not so good when you end up in a caregiving role with someone. I don't want to take care of anyone. I don't even know if I want to have kids anymore because the thought of taking care of someone else makes me want to run. Taking care of myself is a full-time job, that I'm enjoying.
But feelings of attraction...they're so yummy, so consuming! The pull of potentially having an erotic experience with someone else can be difficult to manage. It takes a lot of effort to resist, but I imagine the effort of being in a draining relationship...probably more effort than resisting sex. Plus, sex is so much better when we jive with our partners emotionally and feel seen, heard and respected.

Journey in anxiety reduction

Breathing is hard. It's supposed to be automatic so when people used to tell me that I had to breathe in order to calm my anxiety, I was pissed. I have experienced symptoms of panic in my life, residual from abuse. If you don't know panic personally, it constricts the chest and feels like breathing is not an option. So when I try to breath, it reminds me that I'm dying. Like drowning without the water.
Over the years, as I've healed, I've come to understand that it's in my mind that I cannot breath and if I'm patient and I do go through the motions it will help. I needed time to get there and people continuously reminding me made me angry. Made me feel misunderstood. But maybe it encouraged me to keep trying? That's a relieving thought.
Now sometimes I'll wake up and feel like I can't breath, once I gain enough consciousness I can remind myself "BREATH". I know that I process tough stuff in my sleep so I try to do a mediation or some other calming activity before bed, but it can be challenging to find discipline in the evening. It's my least motivated time of day. Sometimes the meditation feels too fast paced, sometimes I feel distracted, and sometimes it feels just right and I don't remember if I was awake for the whole thing.
Meditation can be a tricky thing, just like most anxiety-reducing techniques, when you're feeling anxious it can be hard to engage. When I'm anxious I feel like I can't do anything right, what's the point in trying, my life is over, I'm damaged, I'll always be alone...etc., etc. Do I really want to pause and be with my thoughts when I'm feeling like that? HECK no. Again, over time I've been reminded and reminded the benefits and experienced them. So meditation has become a part of my life.
I figure, even if it doesn't feel like it's helping it probably is and at times it really feels helpful. The former was what helped me stick to it. Also one meditation I did said that the action of recognizing my mind had wandered was meditation, that made me feel a lot more successful at it because I caught my mind wandering heaps!
I wonder if anxiety will always be a part of my life. Does abuse ever fade away until I am accepting of the way it's shaped me and I'm no longer angry? I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel accepting, but more often I feel so angry and frustrated. I feel broken.
I want to take responsibility for who I am, but things can feel so hard and it can feel impossible. As I'm writing this I recognize a lot of these thoughts are ancient in my life span, perhaps even ancient to my lineage. We can pass thoughts like these through generations. When your parent repeats something thousands of times to you as your brain is developing, you keep hearing it well into adulthood. It's a lot of work to challenge these thoughts.
I wonder how much we can really undo our conditioning. To what extent can we erase generational trauma. What percentage can I achieve difference from the aspects of my family history that have been going for several generations?
Stopping drinking has been a fascinating. I was blind to the insane consumption of alcohol by many generations of my paternal family until I decided to not drink myself. I actually felt afraid that I would no longer fit in and that I would be rejected by my family. That's how deep drinking goes. This was an unexpected feeling, I had no idea that's how integrated alcohol had become.
I did get pushback from some family members and it has been awkward at times, but there is no doubt that it has been a worthwhile effort. Drinking gave me a false sense of safety and the real thing is so much more calming to my anxiety.

Lonliness

Sometimes I feel so damn alone it feels like I'm going to die. I know this is a figment of my imagination, that it's a story that caught caught in my neurocircuitry, but also it feels so real. And it feels like it's my fault. Having been abused growing up, or maybe it's just some human's condition or being a woman, I have a tendency to feel like things are my fault. I assume that I'm in control, I'm in charge of my life so if I'm not happy I've obviously been doing something wrong. I am happy sometimes, dark moods can permeate my soul and allow me to believe that this is the new reality. Soon it will pass. Just writing it down is starting to put things in perspective and lift the veil of judgement.
I make mistakes. I grew up thinking I was not allow to make mistakes, that it was a fatal error, and yet I survived and I know they are opportunities for learning and growing. There's still a loud voice in my head that screams I'm a failure at times. I'm shouting back Take A Hike! Literally that's all we can do sometimes with those nasty voices in our heads. Find compassion that they mean well and shout over them.
I tend to be a good listener. I don't like to interrupt people, to the point where it can be challenging to set boundaries because I'm afraid that it will upset or hurt someone's feelings if I don't want to hear what they are saying (see previous article on people-pleasing). I've started to practice telling people, "actually I'm at my capacity for this topic, can we switch to something else?" or recently "I have a lot of opinions about this and feel very emotional, if that's not what you're wanting from this conversation we can change to something else." I think this is an interesting practice. It is not that I don't want to hear what the person has to say at all, it's a matter of subject. I am allowed to want or not want to engage in particular conversations. The number of hours I have endured lectures and tirades and monologues about things I was not interested in...that's when I'm doing a disservice to myself. That's where I'm at fault.
I don't always understand I have a choice about things, but I do. Especially as a white cis able person. I have a lot of damn choices. I can decide who I want to spend my free time with for damn sure and if they don't respect that I have boundaries around engaging in conversation, then I probably don't want to be around them. Even at work, I can walk away if I don't want to participate in a conversation. Or hang up the phone. I prefer to address things directly if I can, but sometimes I just too tired and that's okay too.
I require a lot of permissions. I need to remember I'm allowed. One of the voices in my head shoulds on me, and says 'you can't do it that way' and repeats 'you're doing it wrong" over and over. I've spent a lot of my life fearing that I'm doing it wrong. I read recently that you can be addicted to fear. What a concept! Addicted to a particular emotion. I would say that I fit in this category.
One thing about naming it as an addiction is that it externalizes the concept of 'fear' and allows me to play with it in a way that it has less power over me. Fear is a jungle cat of the jaguar variety. It prowls around inciting fear in everything that encounters it. This visual of my fear gives me an opportunity to pet it, to soothe it, hell I can even cuddle with my fear if I want. I generally imagine it curled up behind me nearby or around my head on my pillows at night. It comforts me and makes me feel less alone. That's the point of an addiction anyways...to keep us company in our terrible feelings of aloneness. When we feel just "so damn alone".

People-pleasing

People-pleasing is a long term disease in the women of my family. It can also be called martyrdom. It's all about predicting someone else's needs, trying to meet them at the expense of one's own, and then being angry when the person is not happy with the results. There are several problems with this activity. Often, we can't predict someone else's needs very accurately. We are denying the other individual from learning the much useful skill of asking for help. They might not even need or want the help we are providing. Finally, we believe we are being so self-less in the process but we are actually seeking praise and gratitude for our efforts, or some other particular outcome that is self-serving, so it's all a lie.
This behaviour is so innate, that I cannot control it. I do not always have a choice as to whether or not I will engage with someone this way. It is my default. If anything triggers me, of which there are many possibilities for this, I will begin to people-please. It is a lifelong effort for me to recognize it coming up, and make new choices.
It was actually a real 'light bulb' moment for me to recognize that helping others made me feel good and was self-serving. This allowed me to start receiving help with more ease, because why deny people that good-givin' feeling! It also allowed me to turn down help when I don't want it, which sometimes can feel pretty awkward because particular people are aggressive about wanting to help. They just can't stop themselves. I can empathize, which also leads to it being triggering and then falling into my own people-pleasing default mode...
What do you get when you put 2 people-pleasers into a room together?
I'll leave the answer up to your imagination and I'm not feeling so witting atm.
People-pleasing can be disguised as politeness and refusing it can be disguised as 'being rude'. I fucking abhor politeness for this very reason, especially as a woman I feel this intense pressure to 'fall in line' because it would otherwise be impolite. Do you have any idea what it feels like to bite your tongue and accept someone's "help" even thought it stresses you the fuck out and you feel that have no choice? *head explodes*
It's all about control. People-pleasers want to control what's happening around them, not because they're being malicious, but because they don't feel safe. Having grown up in an emotional abusive home, I understand completely. We create all these nonsensical rules to try to feel some semblance of control over what's going on around us, and even though it doesn't work, we pretend that it does because the only kind of safety we have access to is our imagination.
A lot of people continue to live in these imaginary worlds well into adulthood. The problem is that it can be hard to connect with others that aren't grounded in reality. Then there's all these minefields to navigate that they don't warn you about because they're not aware they're in a fantasy world and they have all these expectations that your actions will reinforce the fantasy, but how can you know you don't have access to it.
These fantasies are beautiful works of art. Beautiful, painstakingly detailed worlds. Folks have spent years creating them and they are magical 'safe' places. We spend a lot of time maintaining them. We spend a lot of time defending them. We feel like we will die if we forfeit them. It's a brave act to slowly release aspects of this world. It's hard to see the hands reaching out for help behind the walls. It's worth it though.

Rage

Whenever I feel rage, it makes me sick to my stomach. Often times, I will have a dream that night where I am expressing my rage. Last night, I was at a popular camping spot and I was having a hard time parking properly because the rage was clouding my mind. Then I was trying to set up my tent and the zipper was tangled, but another woman was trying to help me untangle it when it could only be a one person job. Our hands were obscuring each others' view and making the job twice as hard. That's when I acknowledged my rage. Now that I think about it, the rage had been building throughout the dream. Previously to being in the car I was lost in a store and then went out a door with a suspiciously wet bar handle.

Rage is often only something that can be elicited from family members, close friends, or partners. Family members and partners are the most likely culprits.

I feel rage when I am being held accountable for a significant event that was not in my control.
I feel rage when I am being judged or told not to feel how I am naturally feeling.
I feel rage when I am touched in a way or by someone that I do not want to touch me.
I feel rage when I think about times that these events have happened.

I have recently been studying boundaries. Psychological boundaries, and the importance of their existence. Some interesting aspects came to light:

Some people will try to fight my boundaries when I put them in place.
Some people will be angry when I state my boundaries.
In order to establish my boundaries, I cannot take others' feelings into account.
My boundaries are to protect me, they will also benefit my relationships in the long term by allowing me to be closer and more comfortable.
I do not need to explain or justify my boundaries.
Refusing to accept genuine compliments is a sign of poor boundaries.
Setting boundaries is not a selfish act.

Friendship and letting go

I realized in my 3 and a bit years in recovery that relationship is relationship. How I engage with others will be reflected in all my relationships: family, friends, romantic, myself. So I need to make the healthy choices now, today, in this relationship or it's going to continue biting me in the ass.
Over the past few days I've been feeling like I've 'realized' that a particular friendship isn't working. The physicality of this experience is like someone is screaming inside my head and there's a loudness that is being contained by my skull, a feeling of being frozen/trapped/can't move, a full body tension of wanting to run away. I've been working on tuning into my bodily sensations, it is not easy. More on that another time.
So I realized that this relationship is not working. Now what? Do I repair it? Do I tell them? Does it need to be in person? Traditionally there's all this hype about how it's 'unfair' to break up with people in text. Why exactly is it unfair? Does it apply to friendships? I can empathize with being on the receiving end of 'it's over' from a friend. Sounds painful. But is it more painful that someone pretending to be your friend even though they feel like someone is screaming inside their head?
I send love to all the people that don't want me in their life. I embrace them in their bravery to recognize what they need, especially women who feel the need to take care of everyone's feelings at the expense of their own needs. FUCK that. I can't take care of this friend's experience of me needing out. I don't have the capacity. I'm doing the best that I can and that's enough. I am enough.
I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself in this process and the part that stood out for me most was, "I forgive myself, in the past, in the present and in the future for any mistakes I make in relationships. If relationships are meant to thrive, they will endure my mistakes." It feels true, it is true.
My body feels jittery with nervousness and excitement about trying something radically new: Taking care of my own emotional needs above all else. Oooo shit.

Something with my sponsor also resonated with me...I don't owe this person anything. We have shared our lives with each other and that is a gift, I am so grateful for the time we spent together, the things we learned from one another, and the support we mutually gave. There is no tab to pay up or IOU at the end.
It appears that I have all these rules and contractual agreements that I think I've entered into when I engage in various relationships. I'm 'supposed' to do all kinds of things, but it's exhausting and then I want to avoid these people because I feel so tired. I'm hopeful that my next friend is also aware of their internal rules and contracts and checks in with themselves so they can make decisions if it's a clause that they are holding on to or letting go or having a conversation with me about.

Some of the rules of friendship (which apply to some other relationships) that are no longer working for me are as follows:
1. I owe it to someone to have a conversation if I am feeling tired in the relationship because they deserve a thorough explanation as to why I'm doing something so 'horrible and mean'. Even if I don't have a particular answer, but a confusing buildup of many nuanced interactions that have given me enough information that I see we are not compatible.
2. I must be super honest and vulnerable in all the relationships I consider close, even if it is not reciprocated.
3. I need certain people in my life or I will die.
4. If I decide a relationship is too much for me, it is my fault and I have to fix it.
5. I'm not allowed to suddenly realize I no longer want to be around someone, but we have to have several painful and uncomfortable conversation that leave me exhausted attempting to negotiate how we can continue the relationship in some way.

Away with you RULES! I set myself free in enthusiastically breaking them!!!