Bike Shoppe Culture

I have been in and out of bike shops for at least half of my life, enjoying the maintenance of my own bicycle and the sense of accomplishment that wrenching on her ensured. I love the moment of clarity as to what I need to do next. The satisfaction of a well cleaned and lubricated chain. The smell of the various lubricants and tire, the meditative process of truing a wheel. I love wheels in general. The cute little ball bearings and the way they roll all over the place <3 

It has brought me a lot of joy over the years.

But it's not without discomfort. Bike mechanics are predominantly male and it's a bit of an alternative space. Being one of the few females in the room is an unusual experience that brings out the shy in me. Much like being the youngest in the room does. Or the most sensitive. 

So yesterday I did a trial at a local bike shop to work as a mechanic. Being new is difficult, wondering if my skills are enough, wondering if I'll be accepted. I think one of the harder things unique to this environment is wanting to be able to physically do the work. This is challenged at the outset having to bring your bicycle into the shop, down a set up stairs and then hang it up. I was tense in the process because I was nervous and I wanted to prove that I could do all the things, but it took my focus off my body and more into a 'proving myself' space which is less safe. What I realize is that I need to take my time and pay close attention to my body. 

At the end of the day my body was killing me. Terrible back pain, I spent my lunch break stretching and had to stop on my way home for a snack and a stretch. I'm still sore this morning. 

How do I spend my day surrounded by, mostly, men and be in my body? How do I feel safe enough? Time I guess. It's strange, but I feel like I need to build alliances before I can relax. Find protectors in the herd so that if someone gets threatening (I use this term in the sense of challenges me verbally, sexually, or even as a bystander to witness aggression) then I have someone to stand up for me. As I'm writing about what has been a predominantly unconscious endeavour, I realize that I'm at a point in my life when I'm enough of a protector of myself. I don't really need anyone, thought it is nice when people are welcoming and friendly. I don't think it's necessarily based on gender as to whether people are welcoming and friendly at new jobs though. My last job was predominantly female and there was also a variety of responses to me on my new day. I think women are more likely to pay lip service to being "welcoming", but actually if it's not genuine it's potentially even more threatening than just being authentic. 

Back to finding a protector. It's interesting because I think I used to buy protection with my sexuality. I felt that I needed to lure someone in and secure my status as protected by having sex with them. I recognize that this is not the case, and usually that would cause more problems and put me more at risk. It's comforting to have the opportunity to navigate this scenario with a lot more awareness. It's strange to admit the intricacies of my subconscious motivations. Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to admit in this public space, but I'm more inclined to focus on the release it brings me and the choices that arise for future by uncovering these mysteries.

Tahoe Rim Trail

I always enjoyed reading books about the Pacific Crest Trail. Even before the more popular book and film Wild came out. Then as a gift I was given the book by my sister-in-law. Guess she knew me better than I realized :D When I found out that the Tahoe Rim Trail and the PCT overlapped near where I was living at the time in Incline Village I was floored! Just before moving away a planned a solo trip to complete half of the TRT including the over lap on the west side of the lake. These are the notes that I took during the journey...

8/15/2017

Pier came out with me for the first night. Thankfully, because I was somewhat underprepared. She left me with an extra camelbak & her backpack. The one I was using didn't fit me well. Esp with it loaded full. One is in enough pain while backpacking, didn't need the extra discomfort. I did bring a 2nd water container, but lost it when we stopped to swim right at the beginning in Echo Lake. 

It was hard to say goodbye when Piera & I parted ways. We stayed at a tiny lake off the main trail & watched the sunset while scarfing a delicious beet salad she prepared at home to bring.

I'm so tired, it's hard to even think. Today I did ~10 miles, which is my goal for each day but there were a couple points towards the end especially where I was suffering quite badly just because my body hurt so much. My right ankle turned a few times & it didn't want me to walk anymore around mile 8. I climbed a 2000 ft pass all today. Luckily the clouds came and covered the sun so I wasn't overly hot.

I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to carry everything. It becomes so heavy but at times it feels easy as well. Strange.

I'm learning to walk more carefully between the right ankle and the left hip. I practically hobbled once I was over the pass & heading down again.

The sun is still up at 7 pm & all I want to do is go to sleep. Set my hammock up at 'Dick's Lake' for the night. 

I don't think my shoulders have ever hurt so much..

I've made a couple of concessions to keep the wild wild. One is wearing long sleeves & pants to protect myself from the sun so I don't get sunscreen in all the little lakes that I've been swimming in. 2nd I'm using baking soda as toothpaste which isn't pleasant but I'll survive & the 3rd is carrying my toilet paper out. It's tempting to bury it in a hole, but I'll do the right thing.

It's strange not having a cellphone. Not being able to call anyone for a chat. There's other people around but I haven't carried on much of a conversation yet I'm still enjoying being on my own.

If I did hike with someone, we'd have to plane in advance where we're camping for the night because I've always been more of a turtle than a hare. I must have take over 100 breaks. Some of them were a few seconds but I needed to stop a lot.

I hope it gets easier. I didn't want to train for fear I wouldn't go once I realized how hard it would be.

One thing I believe I prepared well for is the cold, but it has been quite warm lat night so I've got to test that theory.

Day 3:

Less hard, but still very challenging. My feet did not feel great for the last mile out of 10, but I was eager to get to Lake Richardson so I powered through the pain with few breaks. I think in the beginning there's some amount of doubt of whether I can walk the distance with a pack on, so I'm in a bit of a rush to make sure I make it but as time goes on I'm realizing that I can do it. I started around 7am & arrived at ~2:30pm. 7 1/2 hr = 10 miles w/breaks :)

I figure I average ~1 1/2 per hr. Sometimes I'm faster & sometimes slower, when I'm hobbling. You can tell when you're tired b/c you start tripping. It's strange to have so much time at my destination having stared early. But I'm also not as exhausted either. 

I made some friends along the trail. We were leapfrogging each other yesterday & again today & ended up at the campgrounds around the same time. We had fun playing cards & chatting & they fed me some hot food. [The hot food was 2 packs of ramen which I suffered through the night after because of all the sodium!!! Not the best choice] They are doing 1/2 my distance but are much more experienced at backpacking then I am.

It's nice to have companions but it also makes me miss my friends more. I worried at first that a friend might not walk at the same pace, but if you mapped out the journey in advance & planned your camps, then it could still work out.

One day I'd like to do such a thing with a partner. I saw a few families on the trail with kids around 7 or 8 years old.

Oh  by the way I saw my first bear last night & it was terrifying. Luckily I had my food in a bear-proof container, but I was supposed to then put the container aways from where I slept, which I didn't, thought I did the 1st night.

He came bounding through camp & the noise woke me up so I pulled down the edge of my hammock to see what was up & I saw him stop mid-stride to turn around & then listened to him sniff around me and my bear canister.

Day 4:

These insects are bearable when everything is going well, but after 18 miles they're really starting to bug me (Haha). Flies, wasps, mosquitoes! The forest sounds like a busy freeway. I don't even want to eat because the wasps will come. They come anyways. Seems like they're attracted to everything. One of the people I hung out with yesterday is allergic. At least if I get stung it just feels bad for a bit then goes away.

18 miles was a bit much. I was suffering at the end. I wanted to cry. I felt lonely. I did see 2 day hikers, but they weren't the friendliest. All the overnight hikers have been extremely friendly. I guess we're all a bit lonely out here. It's nice to stop for a chat even if only for a couple of minutes.

I didn't mean to hike so far. I was uncertain if I had reached the point where I planned to stop because there aren't a lot of signs only when there's a fork. I'm sure it's to keep the trail as wild as possible. By the time I realized I have definitely missed my stop, I decided I'd just head for the next water source. Maps make things look close by. I read the mileage in pieces as it's written on the map & failed to put all the pieces together. Once I was committed I had to make it because I needed more water. So here I am at McCloud waterfall. I'm camping in the woods because there is no sites here or anywhere after until I pass Tahoe City tomorrow, which is 8.5 miles away. It'll be nice to sit down for a fresh salad after those 8.5 miles & call my family since I'll have phone reception. Today was probably the longest day, I won't do more than 18 miles.

The sun is setting & it's cooling down after a surprisingly hot day. I packed up & started walking at 7am as the air was already hot.I like to start early to walk in the cool air for a bit, but there was none today. I thought it was a bit strange so I wasn't surprised when I started hearing thunder around noon.

It rained a little and oh the air smelled sweet. Nothing like the smell of the forest after rain. One of my favorite moments so far. I was thinking I might have to set up my tarp tonight, but the storm blew somewhere else, which is nice. Rain is fun, but I think I'd be nervous that all my stuff would be wet& heavier! It's already so heavy. I'd say between 50 & 60 pounds at least. Plus water & food. Ouch. My joints are still unhappy, but they don't hurt as much as the day before. There's no way I would have made 18 miles before today. I always end up at camp with the sorest feet I've ever felt. And I have the largest blister known to man! It's the size of the entire side of my big toe, where it meets the long toe. Hasn't popped yet & I'm hoping it holds off. It doesn't hurt too bad & I'm concerned it might once it pops.

Well it cools off quickly in the forest! I'm going to finish setting up camp.

It's funny because I was so worried about being cold at night, but so far I've been too hot. I'm still glad that I made the extra preparations.

Day 5:

It's 5pm & I've already set up camp by the side of the trail. It's the first time I've chosen to stop without my feet telling me I need to. I've set my tarp up over the hammock to hide from the wasps so I can eat in peace.

It started to rain so I set it up properly so I could hide my stuff under the hammock so as not to get wet. All I can smell is my stinky feet & all I can hear is the bug highway.

Another storm. Another muggy day. But it certainly is cozy under a tarp in a hammock. Last night I hung the hammock lopsided & kept sliding to one end all night. Hopefully I've rectified that for tonight.

I wonder if it'll rain a bunch or just drizzle like it is now. I'm thinking about putting the food away sooner rather than later. I don't think I'll brush my teeth tonight in order to conserve water because the next water source is several miles away.

I fixed the tarp more securely with heavy rocks. I'm quite afraid to tromp around too much off the main path because I haven't figured out what kind of dwelling the wasps live in & I definitely don't want to step on a nest.

I think yesterday is catching up with me because I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open but I still have 2 hours until nightfall. It's actually kind of fun to do side trips without all the weight. Just leave your bag somewhere. It's a relief to walk without weight. 

The sun is back out so looks like it may have cleared up already. 

One thing that's been difficult that surprised me is how hard I've found it to eat. I thought I'd be hungry all the time, but between the wasps & the exhaustion & the pain, hunger is one of the last things than concerns me.

Now that I've gotten a few more groceries & I filled my water containers to the brim, my pack is at it's heaviest so that's a motivation to eat. And I was uncomfortable going to bed on an empty stomach last night.

I thought I would have a hearty meal in Tahoe City, but I was too tired to walk to a restaurant & it was really hot outside due to the impending storm. So I got some stuff at the grocery store to make a big salad, spent a bit of money too to make it nice with avocado, tomato & cottage cheese. But the only place to sit was outside & while I was just assembling the salad the wasps were swarming me so I tried to eat it while moving around but the city wasps are bigger & meaner. They do not fly away with a little shoo & they look prepared to sting. It made me lose my appetite & I ended up tossing most of the meal sadly.

I'm thinking maybe I need to stop to eat a proper amount at least midday & then again at camp. So maybe I could make a makeshift tent to keep the wasps away at midday with the tarp. It would be worth the effort. I'll try tomorrow. Then eat in my bed in the evening with the tarp over me. Pesky things. There's thousands of them & one of the mountain bikers stopped to chat & told me it's the worst he's seen of them in over 30 years. Says he has a trap at home & has to empty it a few times a day.

I like it when people stop to speak to me on the trail. Such a friendly chat I have with each of them.

One more thing I don't want to forget. Right before I went to sleep last night I was feeling a little nervous & I thought 'wouldn't it be comforting to hear an owl hooting' & that was the first thing I heard when I woke up.

Day 6:

The bees are really getting me down. I feel like I spend my day trying to get away from them. I also miss having plentiful water around.

I'm feeling a bit over it. I had a hard time enjoying the day because it felt like every time I took a break I was swarmed. So I tried to just keep going, but I got too hungry. Yay! & I put the tarp over my head & tucked it around me & shovelled some food down as fast as possible because man @ midday it was HOT under that tarp. I twas still a stressful experience to eat but I'm glad I did. Make you appreciate a kitchen :) Then about 1/2 mile (though I didn't know it yet) from my destination I was just too pooped to keep on so I just sat on the trail & let them buzz around me, too exhausted to do much else. I put my pack away from me b/c that seems to attract them so at least they're partially distracted.

I may try setting up the tarp & hammock & take a loong break halfway tomorrow. Then I can eat in peace & cool & maybe I can walk a little further. I spoke to a couple at my current campsite (Watson Lake) who told me that Grey Lake is a pretty sweet place to camp, but it's 16.4 miles away. I think I can do it if I take that break & suck it up & take some good ones on the trail too. I'm arriving at camp earlier than I need to be anyway. Today was 11 or 12. I can do 4.4 more? We will see. Feasable.

I was a bit dehydrated today & I filled my bags all the way in Tahoe City. Probably part of the crabby feeling & the 16.4 is also the distance to the next water so more motivation.

*situate break*

Well I made some sweet friends & they gave me some fruit & veggies. Very kind. We chatted for a bit, John & Carrie. Things be looking up. I had to scramble for the first time to finish setting up camp cause it started to get dark while we were chatting it up. We had a glass of wine & now I have a pretty bad headache. I turned down a second for hydration sake & I'm glad for it. I'm hoping it'll help me sleep tonight to have had the one & perhaps also to know someone who is camping close by.

-------------------------------The End

That's all I wrote, but from what I remember the next day I hiked out and ended up hitchhiking back to my house because I was hobbling so much. I went straight for the giant jacuzzi tub and soaked all the grime off. Then I put on some flipflops and a loose dress and stumbled up to the grocery for mac and cheese, pizza and premade salad which I took home and devoured. 

As much as I suffered, I look back on this adventure extremely fondly. It felt really good to realize a dream and gave me the confidence, and preparedness, for future strenuous excursions.

Delighted

It's been a challenging day for me. A bit of a general sense of feeling down, low, unmotivated, wanting to lie in bed and be still until it passes. But with these delightful moments interspersed in between. It reminds me of a cloudy day where the sun comes out a couple times for an hour and you bask in it and really appreciate it's short but much needed appearance. 

That's what deep connection feels like to me. Not only do I attempt to foster friendships in which I feel free to say anything, but I also am pursing work that allows me to push the boundaries of "polite" conversation. To break the mold of what people are meant to talk about and discuss, to dig deep underneath the conversation and to have a look at the mechanics that power it. Tinker. 

I love tinkering in people's minds, not in a malicious ways, but in a curious and thoughtful way to understand how they work, to experiment. What happens if I do this, put this here, combine these things. The human mind is truly fascinating. 

This means that I think quite intricately about things. My most recent partner said that I thought about everything too hard, and that can be a side effect. That perhaps I direct my mental energy on something that is detrimental, such as a storyline about how no one cares about me. It can be difficult to deconstruct these sturdy narratives because I have put a lot of thought into creating them. Otherwise, I retorted to him a few weeks later that perhaps he did not think deeply enough :P

It made me wonder, after we parted ways, if someone appreciating my ability to think is an important quality in a partner. I am also pretty certain that it is a privilege to think so deeply. To be able to organize and articulate complex ideas is a product of education which I am well aware that not everyone has access to. What does that mean for my education? How do I use it to benefit?

I have heard a lot of allies have been using their platforms to elevate black voices. To gather audiences because of my privilege and then let someone else do some of the talking. To share ideas. We build the stage and the following and then we select the people that stand on it. It's a lot of power. It's uncomfortable to wield. I have heard a number of people say that it's too uncomfortable and overwhelming that they feel paralyzed. I have heard that this paralysis is a white privileged excuse. 

I continue to see many sides of an argument as valid. I consider this one of my superpowers. It requires deep thought. It requires being able to notices that a low day is not only low, but there is still deep connection and laughter and moments of tenderness with myself and others interspersed throughout. Nothing is one thing. There is no one answer or reason. It depends on the day, it depends on the moment.

Reflecting on the Senses

It can be uncomfortable to engage in the senses of the body sometimes, living in my mind feels somewhat safe and in control. When I go into the senses the outside world feels like it has more control over me and I don't know what to expects. I enjoy the senses, they bring much pleasure, but so does the mind. New insights or pathways to solutions or new ways of thinking. It's delightful a.f. I know that the senses are an important part of living, my thoughts tell me so, but part of me also convinces me that they are less important and less worth exploring. There are multiple voices in my head arguing between sensation and cognition. I recently heard that there is a heart brain and a stomach brain, it reminded me of the concept of chakras and alignment. That we could potentially check in with all of them as we move through our lives. I feel like the world is most conducive to my head brain, but when I use all my senses to navigate the world I think, but I'm not sure, that I feel more joy, more contentment, more satisfaction and more. I wonder if it's just a 'grass is greener' story or if it's true? I have a lot of stories that prevent me from feeling like I'm living my life to the fullest. It feels like contentment is mostly out of reach. I feel like self-improvement is a state of being. I feel like I'm just waiting for a partner sometimes and I don't really like that.

I've been having a friend stay with me for the past week and the sense of companionship has brought out my silly side, it's brought out my playful side, it's brought out the side of me that loves to be alone and feels annoyed at this interruption, it has allowed me to relax in new ways to have someone else around, it's made me eat meals more consistently. It's mostly brought pleasant emotions and in it's wake some fear of returning to being alone again. I know that I'm not alone, but it's nice to have a bed companion sometimes. Maybe I'll have more sleepovers, but it feels like Covid prevents that. But if Covid weren't a factor, it feels like I'm not supposed to have sleepovers because I'm an adult. It feels impractical and most people want the comfort of their own bed. I think that's the difference between listening to the brain and ignoring the body.

The brain is very practical. Silly, funny, playful...these are not cognitive activities. They are sensory, they come from the heart and potentially the stomach. Doing various accents and improvising lyrics are not cognitive, actually cognition plays a role, but it involves the other brains too. I'm sad to say goodbye to my friend, but I celebrate the week we spent as companions. I recognize that the circumstances cannot be created, as they are that she is in between residences at this time. So it's a delight to celebrate visitors.

Visitors from past lives, and past phases of our lives. From times where we were pursuing other dreams, still relevant in some way. We are never different, just different interpretations of ourselves. We were always ourselves. As I transition back to being alone, I want to remember the silly/playful me and know that she is always here, waiting for inspiration.

Obsessive Thoughts

What are obsessive thoughts trying to tell us? Why are they occuring? Ruminating through our minds? Do they have a message? Are they a necessary evil of being human? An addict? Mentally unwell?

I don't have any particular answers, but I experience immense amounts of shame in response to my experience of obsession, especially when it involves another person. I obsess when I'm in conflict with someone or I'm imagining conflict with someone. I obsess when I interact with someone and I'm not feeling very good about myself. Days will pass and I cannot get it out of my mind. It feels like I'm flogging myself with the thought, punishing myself for doing something 'wrong'. 

Is this a way to keep myself safe? The weird tendencies are always attempts to protect ourselves. What am I protecting myself from? I guess I have lived in fear of loneliness. I've recently felt less concerned with being lonely, but that doesn't mean that old habits will not continue to arise. It's a process to evolve. 

What do I need to hear? There is no one moment that can make or break a connection with someone. It is in fact a buildup of exchanges. There is no one catastrophic mistake. Apologies are often an option. If someone is meant so be my friend then the relationship will persevere. I forgive myself and celebrate my mistakes. I recognize that conflict is often an opportunity to become closer with someone and to deepen the relationship. That includes myself. 

I feel like this conflict is between myself and the Goddess. I feel that I've worked hard in my life to shift my perspective and it's not fair that I still ruminate and obsess over small and trivial interactions. Maybe it isn't about something small though. Maybe it is a big deal, maybe the things I'm attempting are magnificent and huge! Maybe they are worthy of obsession. Maybe they are important.

Changing long-term habits is important. Reorganizing thoughts to reflect my true values is important. Dissolving old biases is important. Efforts today may have impacts on areas of my life that I never imagined. Everything is connected. It's easy to pretend otherwise, but there's a ripple effect on many areas of my life when I change something like loneliness. It's not even that I have more people in my life, it's that I celebrate the one's that were already there. It's not just my relationship with others that feels different, I enjoy my own company more. It's not just relationships with people, I feel more comfortable going outside and more confident pursuing my interests and more connection to what I eat and consume and the earth. 

Things can appear very small, but maybe they're worth obsessing over.