Can I let myself be cared for?

 I care for others, truly deeply passionately. I realize that this might be a unique trait that does not necessarily apply to everyone. Though I do believe we all have a certain level of care, many don't try to care about everyone. I care about everyone. Truly. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking to myself, "is this really true?". It feels authentic to say, a warm fuzzy in my chest when I think about people. I mean I did choose psychology as an undergrad major without question. There was no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I wanted to understand people better because they are lovely and wonderful.

I got caught up, I thought I had to take care of everyone somehow.  Now I'm sitting here thinking, who are the most in need of my help? How do you gauge level of need? Suicide rates? Met basic needs? Consistency...of what? This question remains in my mind and I don't think it will every go away fully. Regardless, who wants help? Who is willing to accept help?

Recently, I started wondering...how do I accept care from others? Here I am eager to give care, understanding, love and acceptance. But what if someone starts trying to give it to you? 

Someone recently is in what feels like a big way. It's making me think, "I'm sure I've been taken care of before!" and I can't understand what's different. It just seems that they can anticipate my needs in a way I've never experienced. Which is what I try to do with others. I try to anticipate people's needs. Sometimes tho they are just telling you to your face and you don't recognize it because you're in a fantasy world where you're saving the day. Too real. 

Back to someone anticipating my needs, they notice me. They are watching closely. I have spent a lifetime hiding my facial emotions from the world. Working to neutralize my face so I can react privately in any given circumstance. Most people aren't attentive enough to catch the millisecond of my expressions. Then someone did and keeps doing it and it's delightful. 

It's delightful, but when I need help, I'm probably not in the greatest of moods. I don't think I like needing help and I'm guessing this is pretty common. Don't want to be weak and all, but from experience I do believe that in some ways it takes more strength to ask for help than to suffer alone. I have come to realize that it gets tricky if I try to rely on one other person, but if I'm open to relying on my community of support instead then there is almost always someone available to show up for me.

Perspective on Firing

 Recently I was fired, my first time. I found out that it's a human experience. I'm part of a club. Several people told me their own stories of being fired. Some knew why and some suspected unfair treatment. At the end of the day it didn't carry the shame that I thought it was supposed to. In the movies being fired seemed to result from some egregious behaviour: a drunken blowout, theft... It seems that irl it's a bit more random: wrong place, wrong time, or perhaps not so wrong... I had an experience. 

It was a management job, which was a totally new experience for me, and it reinforced some of the stereotypes that I think I already had percolating in my brain. Middle management comes with a lot of bullshit. There are lots of power-hungry and unhappy folks in the corporate-type environment, regardless of the work they are doing. I hope not to be jaded, I wonder if there are opportunities to work collaboratively elsewhere. I wonder if there are workspaces where power is acknowledged and accounted for, I know this was my own goal as a manager and it seemed to be successful. I felt successful at the parts of the job that were important to me. 

It's a loss and it came with grief, but the grief is by no means complex. I had friends, lovers, and colleagues to soften the blow. I processed the grief with all the tools that I have learned in my therapeutic work without even realizing it. I shared the experience with others and I may have helped them to process some of their own fears and pain. For a week, I felt deeply cared for. Then I took off and went to another place where more folks could care for me. Gosh I'm smart.

Not just smart, but turning a corner in my life where I feel that I can allow others to care for me and really take it in. I trust that I am naturally a caring person at this point in my life. I don't need to try. I don't need to feel I'm extending myself. I am enough in my naturally caring state. I can just be. But receiving care is a whole nother enchilada and I am choosing to learn how to allow. 

Allowing others to care for me is vulnerable. Am I inconveniencing them? Will they expect something from me in return? Do I need to entertain them while they care for me to make it worth it? Do I need to seem better because they're making an effort and I want them to feel like it's working? 

Do I deserve it?

This last question is the foundation of not allowing. Have I earned enough credit doing my own caring of others and/or taking care of myself to now deserve to allow it to happen to me? Have I met the checks and balances of karma? Am I selfish? Am I a burden?

Again, this stuff is impossible to measure and a form of cognitive distortion. Reducing a complex thing like care and handing it to an accountant. The Accountant's Distortion. I choose to accept care if it's offered. I choose to offer it when I'm called. And I choose to trust that all will be well without this type of scorekeeping. And so it shall be, that and more. 

ABUNDANCE EXISTS