Can I let myself be cared for?

 I care for others, truly deeply passionately. I realize that this might be a unique trait that does not necessarily apply to everyone. Though I do believe we all have a certain level of care, many don't try to care about everyone. I care about everyone. Truly. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking to myself, "is this really true?". It feels authentic to say, a warm fuzzy in my chest when I think about people. I mean I did choose psychology as an undergrad major without question. There was no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I wanted to understand people better because they are lovely and wonderful.

I got caught up, I thought I had to take care of everyone somehow.  Now I'm sitting here thinking, who are the most in need of my help? How do you gauge level of need? Suicide rates? Met basic needs? Consistency...of what? This question remains in my mind and I don't think it will every go away fully. Regardless, who wants help? Who is willing to accept help?

Recently, I started wondering...how do I accept care from others? Here I am eager to give care, understanding, love and acceptance. But what if someone starts trying to give it to you? 

Someone recently is in what feels like a big way. It's making me think, "I'm sure I've been taken care of before!" and I can't understand what's different. It just seems that they can anticipate my needs in a way I've never experienced. Which is what I try to do with others. I try to anticipate people's needs. Sometimes tho they are just telling you to your face and you don't recognize it because you're in a fantasy world where you're saving the day. Too real. 

Back to someone anticipating my needs, they notice me. They are watching closely. I have spent a lifetime hiding my facial emotions from the world. Working to neutralize my face so I can react privately in any given circumstance. Most people aren't attentive enough to catch the millisecond of my expressions. Then someone did and keeps doing it and it's delightful. 

It's delightful, but when I need help, I'm probably not in the greatest of moods. I don't think I like needing help and I'm guessing this is pretty common. Don't want to be weak and all, but from experience I do believe that in some ways it takes more strength to ask for help than to suffer alone. I have come to realize that it gets tricky if I try to rely on one other person, but if I'm open to relying on my community of support instead then there is almost always someone available to show up for me.