Anyone that plays music and tries to record themselves knows that it's pretty much always disappointing, but it's a process right. And here's part of mine :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJPSY5EqeTE&feature=em-upload_owner
Monday, December 30, 2013
How Golf Saved My Life
I had the perfect life. I had a blissfully happy marriage, two wonderful sons, a loving extended family, and a successful veterinary practice where my vocation was my avocation. On the morning of January 10, 2010, when we woke up, my husband, Nick, rolled over in bed, gave me a kiss, and said "life is good".
I had come to golf late in my forties when my eldest son, Billy, played on his high school varsity golf team. I was hooked immediately. I devoured everything golf related from sports psychology to Dave Pelz's latest statistics on chipping.
I played most of the time with my family, and it was great time together.
On the afternoon of January 10, 2010, my life took a turn never anticipated. My husband had a small veterinary practice on the nearby island of Lana'i. He was a private pilot and would fly from our home in Honolulu to Lana'i most Sundays, often taking our youngest son , Timmy, with him.
At about 2 pm, I simultaneously got a phone call and a policeman at my door. My eldest son, Billy grabbed the phone as my heart sank and I opened the door for the officer. He asked me if my husband was Dr. Nicholas Palumbo, and then if he was flying, and what his plane's tail number was. I immediately knew he had crashed with our youngest son Timmy. I couldn't breathe, as Billy handed me the phone, saying gravely "It's the tower, they lost contact with Dad."
That was the day my world fell apart. As Billy said, we lost half of our family. Their bodies were brought off of the mountain by helicopter just a few miles from our home the next day. Nick had gotten into rapidly changing weather, lost visibility, and hit the mountain. He and my beloved son, Timmy died on impact, then the plane caught fire and burned their bodies beyond recognition.
I was in shock, and Billy and I stumbled through the next few weeks like zombies getting things done, barely able to comprehend our loss.
Among those who loved Nick and Timmy was my brother-in-law, Bill, a huge golf enthusiast . Retired, Uncle Bill plays 6 days a week. My family was sitting around talking about nothing, and Bill said bring your putter and a wedge, lets go hit some balls. We went to my favorite muni, and putted and chipped for a couple of hours. We spoke mostly of golf, he helped me with my short game. And we occasionally spoke of how much we loved Nick and Timmy, telling funny stories about them.
That summer, I went to spend a few weeks with Bill in Connecticut. He would pick me up every morning at 5 am. I was lucky to play with him and his buddies. We were dewsweepers, as his buddy Ray owned the course.
That was the beginning of my return to life. Unable to work for months, I would play the back nine at my muni. It was in a stunning setting, even considering the everyday beautiful of my home in Hawaii. I usually played by myself in the early morning dew. I cried, railed against the forces that took my precious boys from me; it was impossible to not realize in all of my pain that I was surrounded by breathtaking beauty. I hit the ball, trying to stay in the moment. I hit the ball fat, I hit it thin, the ball flew effortlessly long, and I stubbed it 20 yards to the left. It didnt matter, I just hit the damn ball.
The clouds poured over the Koolau mountain range like cotton candy as the sky turned pink. I left the course refreshed and better equipped to face the day. For a bit of time I had control and focus.... Even though it was on a little white ball.
I continued to play 5-6 times weekly by myself in the early morning mist. Friends joined me later. They saved me from myself. They made me laugh, allowed me to cry, and kept my spirits up. We created a top ten list of stupid things people said to me after the accident. Some have joined our golf lexicon, for instance , some bonehead told me and Billy" it could have been worse." We say that often.
Life goes on. I am deeply impacted by the devastating loss of Nick and Timmy. I am able to function and pretend to be normal. But I'll never "get over it".
Thank goodness for golf , it continues to soothe my soul, I have discussions with my boys on the course, especially at dawn and twilight. My golf friends make living easier, are always there for me. And every once in a while, my beautiful young son Timmy helps me to sink a long put.
Once again,
"Life is Good".
By: Sue Palumbo (aka Auntie Sue)
I had come to golf late in my forties when my eldest son, Billy, played on his high school varsity golf team. I was hooked immediately. I devoured everything golf related from sports psychology to Dave Pelz's latest statistics on chipping.
I played most of the time with my family, and it was great time together.
On the afternoon of January 10, 2010, my life took a turn never anticipated. My husband had a small veterinary practice on the nearby island of Lana'i. He was a private pilot and would fly from our home in Honolulu to Lana'i most Sundays, often taking our youngest son , Timmy, with him.
At about 2 pm, I simultaneously got a phone call and a policeman at my door. My eldest son, Billy grabbed the phone as my heart sank and I opened the door for the officer. He asked me if my husband was Dr. Nicholas Palumbo, and then if he was flying, and what his plane's tail number was. I immediately knew he had crashed with our youngest son Timmy. I couldn't breathe, as Billy handed me the phone, saying gravely "It's the tower, they lost contact with Dad."
That was the day my world fell apart. As Billy said, we lost half of our family. Their bodies were brought off of the mountain by helicopter just a few miles from our home the next day. Nick had gotten into rapidly changing weather, lost visibility, and hit the mountain. He and my beloved son, Timmy died on impact, then the plane caught fire and burned their bodies beyond recognition.
I was in shock, and Billy and I stumbled through the next few weeks like zombies getting things done, barely able to comprehend our loss.
Among those who loved Nick and Timmy was my brother-in-law, Bill, a huge golf enthusiast . Retired, Uncle Bill plays 6 days a week. My family was sitting around talking about nothing, and Bill said bring your putter and a wedge, lets go hit some balls. We went to my favorite muni, and putted and chipped for a couple of hours. We spoke mostly of golf, he helped me with my short game. And we occasionally spoke of how much we loved Nick and Timmy, telling funny stories about them.
That summer, I went to spend a few weeks with Bill in Connecticut. He would pick me up every morning at 5 am. I was lucky to play with him and his buddies. We were dewsweepers, as his buddy Ray owned the course.
That was the beginning of my return to life. Unable to work for months, I would play the back nine at my muni. It was in a stunning setting, even considering the everyday beautiful of my home in Hawaii. I usually played by myself in the early morning dew. I cried, railed against the forces that took my precious boys from me; it was impossible to not realize in all of my pain that I was surrounded by breathtaking beauty. I hit the ball, trying to stay in the moment. I hit the ball fat, I hit it thin, the ball flew effortlessly long, and I stubbed it 20 yards to the left. It didnt matter, I just hit the damn ball.
The clouds poured over the Koolau mountain range like cotton candy as the sky turned pink. I left the course refreshed and better equipped to face the day. For a bit of time I had control and focus.... Even though it was on a little white ball.
I continued to play 5-6 times weekly by myself in the early morning mist. Friends joined me later. They saved me from myself. They made me laugh, allowed me to cry, and kept my spirits up. We created a top ten list of stupid things people said to me after the accident. Some have joined our golf lexicon, for instance , some bonehead told me and Billy" it could have been worse." We say that often.
Life goes on. I am deeply impacted by the devastating loss of Nick and Timmy. I am able to function and pretend to be normal. But I'll never "get over it".
Thank goodness for golf , it continues to soothe my soul, I have discussions with my boys on the course, especially at dawn and twilight. My golf friends make living easier, are always there for me. And every once in a while, my beautiful young son Timmy helps me to sink a long put.
Once again,
"Life is Good".
By: Sue Palumbo (aka Auntie Sue)
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Celibacy
There are times when people come into your life at what feels like just the right time. They give you a boost of strength to do something that you have wanted to do for a long time, but didn't have the courage. I'm not saying that those people should be given the credit for your own achievements, but they are the landmarks and the signposts to certain events in our lives. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. Sometimes they stay for a while and sometimes they don't. Sometimes we try to cling to them because they represent something great to us and we feel a strong connection to them, but they can't reciprocate.
I used to take offense when people didn't reciprocate and didn't want to spend as much time with me as I them or keep in contact with me as frequently as I them. But as life passes I realize that, for the most part, it is not to do with me. We are all drawn to different people, at different times, for different reasons and it's irrelevant whether you draw them back. I mean, I do my best to be a good friend to people that do the same for me. But the exchange cannot be controlled, cannot be measured. You can't know if you did for someone more than they did for you or vice-versa.
My grandfather said to me recently, upon asking how he and my grandmother had made it through 61 years of marriage, that the key to marriage is to always give more than the other person. Because in a relationship it always feels like you're giving more, but there is no measurement stick. We just have to give. I imagine the same goes for having children.
A person came into my life recently that allowed me to view my sexuality in a different way. I have gotten so caught up in the goal post of intercourse, that I have forgotten to appreciate everything else that comes out of attraction. Attraction can take us down many different paths, and not immediately trying to satiate that attraction through sex can open doors that we didn't know existed. What happens when you don't have sex with someone you're attracted to? I know for many, the answer is easy to come by, but not for me.
I realize that I view men that I'm attracted to as sex objects. I got so caught up in the culture of women being sex objects and trying to take back my power by making men sex objects instead. I have to say that I may have become good at it (not that it was hard), but it has never satisfied me. I am starting to realize that there is so much more that can be gotten out of a relationship with a man when you don't have sex with him. My self-esteem and self-respect have increased since coming to this realization.
For so long I was afraid that men wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't have sex with them. I was SO SO afraid. Somehow I got the idea in my head that I am ugly. I don't know where it came from, but it has been with me from when I started becoming aware of self-image. I still feel it at times when my mood is low. It hurts and it sucks. But guess what? I'm overcoming it and boy does it feel good.
The message that I don't need to have sex to be attractive is a powerful one and my impulse is to attach this feeling to the person that provided me with the opportunity to view my sexuality in such a way, although it has been a long time coming. There is a fear that I will only be able to continue to have this feeling by keeping in contact with this person. But I am an intelligent being and ultimately I know that it's not true, so as much as I'd like to continue a relationship with this person, it is really up to both of us to do so and if he doesn't want to then it is his choice and I choose not to take offense.
Through my other relationships with men whom I don't have sex with, I continue to build my self-esteem and self-respect by teaching them how to show me respect, by having deep conversations with them about how the way they talk to me or treat me has made me feel in the past, and their openness to the conversations brings me great joy.
I guess growing up isn't so bad after all :)
So in conclusion, I have realized that due to circumstance, rather than a conscious decision of my own, I have not had intercourse with another person since July 9th, 2013. So, I have decided to make it a conscious decision by going for a year, since I'm almost half-way there. It's not just a year of specifically not having sex, but a year of discovering what the other options are, what the other possibilities of connection can be. Maybe I won't have sex again until I'm 30, maybe I won't make it to July 9, 2014. Who knows?
So I leave you to look forward to my future blogging experiences of being a consciously celibate individual and I leave you with this quote:
"Celibacy is not just a matter of not having sex. It is a way of admiring a person for their humanity, maybe even their beauty." By: Timothy Radcliffe
I used to take offense when people didn't reciprocate and didn't want to spend as much time with me as I them or keep in contact with me as frequently as I them. But as life passes I realize that, for the most part, it is not to do with me. We are all drawn to different people, at different times, for different reasons and it's irrelevant whether you draw them back. I mean, I do my best to be a good friend to people that do the same for me. But the exchange cannot be controlled, cannot be measured. You can't know if you did for someone more than they did for you or vice-versa.
My grandfather said to me recently, upon asking how he and my grandmother had made it through 61 years of marriage, that the key to marriage is to always give more than the other person. Because in a relationship it always feels like you're giving more, but there is no measurement stick. We just have to give. I imagine the same goes for having children.
A person came into my life recently that allowed me to view my sexuality in a different way. I have gotten so caught up in the goal post of intercourse, that I have forgotten to appreciate everything else that comes out of attraction. Attraction can take us down many different paths, and not immediately trying to satiate that attraction through sex can open doors that we didn't know existed. What happens when you don't have sex with someone you're attracted to? I know for many, the answer is easy to come by, but not for me.
I realize that I view men that I'm attracted to as sex objects. I got so caught up in the culture of women being sex objects and trying to take back my power by making men sex objects instead. I have to say that I may have become good at it (not that it was hard), but it has never satisfied me. I am starting to realize that there is so much more that can be gotten out of a relationship with a man when you don't have sex with him. My self-esteem and self-respect have increased since coming to this realization.
For so long I was afraid that men wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't have sex with them. I was SO SO afraid. Somehow I got the idea in my head that I am ugly. I don't know where it came from, but it has been with me from when I started becoming aware of self-image. I still feel it at times when my mood is low. It hurts and it sucks. But guess what? I'm overcoming it and boy does it feel good.
The message that I don't need to have sex to be attractive is a powerful one and my impulse is to attach this feeling to the person that provided me with the opportunity to view my sexuality in such a way, although it has been a long time coming. There is a fear that I will only be able to continue to have this feeling by keeping in contact with this person. But I am an intelligent being and ultimately I know that it's not true, so as much as I'd like to continue a relationship with this person, it is really up to both of us to do so and if he doesn't want to then it is his choice and I choose not to take offense.
Through my other relationships with men whom I don't have sex with, I continue to build my self-esteem and self-respect by teaching them how to show me respect, by having deep conversations with them about how the way they talk to me or treat me has made me feel in the past, and their openness to the conversations brings me great joy.
I guess growing up isn't so bad after all :)
So in conclusion, I have realized that due to circumstance, rather than a conscious decision of my own, I have not had intercourse with another person since July 9th, 2013. So, I have decided to make it a conscious decision by going for a year, since I'm almost half-way there. It's not just a year of specifically not having sex, but a year of discovering what the other options are, what the other possibilities of connection can be. Maybe I won't have sex again until I'm 30, maybe I won't make it to July 9, 2014. Who knows?
So I leave you to look forward to my future blogging experiences of being a consciously celibate individual and I leave you with this quote:
"Celibacy is not just a matter of not having sex. It is a way of admiring a person for their humanity, maybe even their beauty." By: Timothy Radcliffe
Friday, December 27, 2013
The story of my birth
After attending a 2 day birthing conference put on by the doula association of Kauai, I was inspired to ask my parents to each individually record the story of how I was born as a Christmas gift. How many people know their story? This is what they said:
From my dad:
After your brother was born, your mom and I decided that we would prefer that he not be an only child and that he would have a sister, so we ordered you. Seriously, we figured we would get pregnant whenever we could and hope for a girl. Although it only took us 2 weeks to get pregnant with Reg, it took us about 8 months for you - mostly because breastfeeding can be a form of contraception. The pregnancy was "routine" (medspeak for normal) in large part because we both already knew what to expect. We waited a bit longer to go to the hospital when you indicated that you wanted out, because we didn't want to hang around there any longer than we had to. As we were being led down the corridor to our room, we passed Room 222, which was where Reg had been delivered, and I asked if we could use it again. They didn't see any reason why not, so led us in there. After they got us settled and left, your mom and I discussed the best strategy to speed things up and agreed that she should walk around as much as she could rather than just lay in the bed. So we did. I remember having to encourage her to keep walking a time or two, but she did and thanked me later. About 90 minutes after we checked in, they had mom lay down for a check to see how close she was to delivering you. Probably due to all the walking and the fact that you were our second child, she was very close and they called for the obstetrician to come to our room. Your mom's regular OB was off that night, but his wife was on duty and came to the room with her dinner in her hand. The nurse suggested that she might want to put it down, because you were coming out NOW and there wouldn't be time for her to finish it. She did, scrubbed and gloved, and caught you on the way out on mom's second push. I remember shouting something like "It's a girl." and taking you from them as soon as they wrapped you in your receiving blanket. Your mom was a little miffed at being ignored in all of the excitement surrounding your arrival, but you were soon handed back to her to be fed. It turned out that the OB and her husband were trying to get pregnant as well, and she asked how we managed to have you pop out so soon after we arrived at the hospital. She said she hoped her birth would be as fast and easy as yours. She managed to eventually finish her dinner and left so we settled down with you for the night. The next morning we checked out and stopped at our favourite Italian deli for takeout sandwiches, just as we had done when Reg was born. That night we had a Bible study class at our place, and they were amazed that your mom was up and around less than a day after delivering you. Since she had no drugs and delivered you normally, there wasn't any reason for us to stay the extra night at the hospital, and we saw no reason to cancel the group. I think my mom came again from Oahu when you were born, just as as she had with Reg. I seem to recall my dad saying she could only be on loan to us for a few days (he couldn't get off work to come with her.) Shortly after you were born we moved from 14927 Condon Ave in Lawndale to 2205 Graham Ave in Redondo Beach. I remember our first night in the new place. The sellers had left us a bottle of champagne in the fridge to celebrate our purchase and it was the only thing that seemed to calm you down and put you to sleep that night.
And from my Mom-ma:
From my dad:
After your brother was born, your mom and I decided that we would prefer that he not be an only child and that he would have a sister, so we ordered you. Seriously, we figured we would get pregnant whenever we could and hope for a girl. Although it only took us 2 weeks to get pregnant with Reg, it took us about 8 months for you - mostly because breastfeeding can be a form of contraception. The pregnancy was "routine" (medspeak for normal) in large part because we both already knew what to expect. We waited a bit longer to go to the hospital when you indicated that you wanted out, because we didn't want to hang around there any longer than we had to. As we were being led down the corridor to our room, we passed Room 222, which was where Reg had been delivered, and I asked if we could use it again. They didn't see any reason why not, so led us in there. After they got us settled and left, your mom and I discussed the best strategy to speed things up and agreed that she should walk around as much as she could rather than just lay in the bed. So we did. I remember having to encourage her to keep walking a time or two, but she did and thanked me later. About 90 minutes after we checked in, they had mom lay down for a check to see how close she was to delivering you. Probably due to all the walking and the fact that you were our second child, she was very close and they called for the obstetrician to come to our room. Your mom's regular OB was off that night, but his wife was on duty and came to the room with her dinner in her hand. The nurse suggested that she might want to put it down, because you were coming out NOW and there wouldn't be time for her to finish it. She did, scrubbed and gloved, and caught you on the way out on mom's second push. I remember shouting something like "It's a girl." and taking you from them as soon as they wrapped you in your receiving blanket. Your mom was a little miffed at being ignored in all of the excitement surrounding your arrival, but you were soon handed back to her to be fed. It turned out that the OB and her husband were trying to get pregnant as well, and she asked how we managed to have you pop out so soon after we arrived at the hospital. She said she hoped her birth would be as fast and easy as yours. She managed to eventually finish her dinner and left so we settled down with you for the night. The next morning we checked out and stopped at our favourite Italian deli for takeout sandwiches, just as we had done when Reg was born. That night we had a Bible study class at our place, and they were amazed that your mom was up and around less than a day after delivering you. Since she had no drugs and delivered you normally, there wasn't any reason for us to stay the extra night at the hospital, and we saw no reason to cancel the group. I think my mom came again from Oahu when you were born, just as as she had with Reg. I seem to recall my dad saying she could only be on loan to us for a few days (he couldn't get off work to come with her.) Shortly after you were born we moved from 14927 Condon Ave in Lawndale to 2205 Graham Ave in Redondo Beach. I remember our first night in the new place. The sellers had left us a bottle of champagne in the fridge to celebrate our purchase and it was the only thing that seemed to calm you down and put you to sleep that night.
And from my Mom-ma:
When I was pregnant with you, Ms. Sarah, I was lucky enough not to have to work and pretty much looked after Reg and stayed home. I frequently walked down on the Strand in the South Bay of Los Angeles. The Strand is a walkway that goes along the beaches and it's a beautiful place to walk. You know how much I love to walk by the ocean! I think because we had Reg not too long before you came into our lives we were much more relaxed about the birth and weren't in any rush to go to the hospital. In fact, we were going to wait until your Auntie Julie got off work so she could look after Reg overnight. That was not what actually happened as my contractions were coming too close together so Jenny, our teen babysitter, came over until Julie could get to the townhouse in Lawndale. I was in quite a bit of pain on the ten to fifteen minute ride to South Bay Hospital. I remember that part. When we arrived at the hospital we must have been checked in and I was put in a wheelchair and we went up to the Obstetrics floor. The nurse greeted us and took us to a close-by room. Dad asked if we could be in Room 222 instead because that is where Reg was born. The nurse said she would be glad to have the extra exercise. I guess Room 222 was down at the end of the hall. It wasn't very busy that evening.
We had decided that I would stand and walk during labor so that is what we did. Near the end, or the beginning, I didn't want to walk anymore and I just stood and clung to your dad. The nurse had a very hard time convincing me to lie down so she could see how dilated I was. After some coercing I lay down and I guess your head was visible. The nurse had been a midwife in Britain so I'm sure she was capable of delivering you, but they paged the doctor (who happened to be my doctor's wife) to come RIGHT AWAY. She must have been eating dinner as she walked in with her plate in hand (probably thinking she'd finish her dinner), took one look, said "Push" and there you were. One push! We were so excited that we had our girl. I think we both expected you to be a girl. Not sure why.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Books that provoke thought: Tiny Beautiful Things
I feel provoked by an entry I read in the book 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed. It is a collection of questions asked when Mrs.Strayed wrote an advice column before she wrote the book 'Wild'. I highly recommend the book, as it is extremely thought provoking and the questions asked are fascinating challenges to give yourself. It has even inspired a blog entry at 3 in the morning.
For a few years, I denied to myself/didn't have the ability to recognize that I had a problem with sex. It is common, I've heard, but that has failed to be reassuring due to the fact that I have had very little positive forward-thinking open discussions about it. So here I am attempting one so as not to feel so alone and lost in my black hole.
I have a hard time identifying whether or not I'm 'supposed to' have sex with someone. When is the right time? I've had a variety of experiences, many of them leaving me conflicted. The sexual experience itself may have been a positive one, but the behavior afterwards can leave me feeling worthless. I guess that is part of the sexual experience.
My body wants, it desires, and sometimes it tells me that I cannot control it. I've learned over time to (mostly) avoid the situations and the substances that allow my body to take control, but I am left with new problems concerning my persistent desire: anxiety and shame. Anxiety that I will make the wrong choices concerning a sexual partner and shame that I am not appealing enough to get my desires fulfilled. I am aware of the mindset that we must fulfill our own desires, but am not yet able to embodying this belief. I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I know that we can't give in to every craving or desire we have. When it comes to food I often lack self-control. I have the experience of craving something and then once I posses it and taste it, I realize that I do not actually want it anymore. But out of shame for giving in, I consume it quickly to hide the evidence of my transgression. It is a pattern I have begun to recognize in myself.
There are times when I wish I could turn off my desire forever so that it will no longer be a problem. And other times where I experience a few days without it and I feel angry with myself for being such a dud. All these feelings are so real despite being contradictory.
Do I just lack the ability to be satisfied with what's occurring? Am I being too judgmental of myself? Will sex EVER stop being a problem that I need to solve?
I have had boyfriends before, but because of my transient lifestyle, have not had an opportunity to see if any of the relationships would last. I live in fear that I will end up alone. My logical brain wants to tell me a few things about this fear. 1) It's not the end of the world to be 'alone'. 2) The chances of that are relatively low (I can hear my mother's voice saying this in my head). 3) There are more important things to use your brain-power on than worrying about whether or not you'll be in a relationship in the future (I can hear the feminist saying this in my head).
I know that my brain focuses on these things due to insecurity and low self-esteem. This is a life long battle which I have only begun. Everyday I am challenged. I see improvement, but sometimes I am so busy berating myself for not doing 'good enough' that I forget to acknowledge any improvement.
Just another day, another fight, another success.
For a few years, I denied to myself/didn't have the ability to recognize that I had a problem with sex. It is common, I've heard, but that has failed to be reassuring due to the fact that I have had very little positive forward-thinking open discussions about it. So here I am attempting one so as not to feel so alone and lost in my black hole.
I have a hard time identifying whether or not I'm 'supposed to' have sex with someone. When is the right time? I've had a variety of experiences, many of them leaving me conflicted. The sexual experience itself may have been a positive one, but the behavior afterwards can leave me feeling worthless. I guess that is part of the sexual experience.
My body wants, it desires, and sometimes it tells me that I cannot control it. I've learned over time to (mostly) avoid the situations and the substances that allow my body to take control, but I am left with new problems concerning my persistent desire: anxiety and shame. Anxiety that I will make the wrong choices concerning a sexual partner and shame that I am not appealing enough to get my desires fulfilled. I am aware of the mindset that we must fulfill our own desires, but am not yet able to embodying this belief. I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I know that we can't give in to every craving or desire we have. When it comes to food I often lack self-control. I have the experience of craving something and then once I posses it and taste it, I realize that I do not actually want it anymore. But out of shame for giving in, I consume it quickly to hide the evidence of my transgression. It is a pattern I have begun to recognize in myself.
There are times when I wish I could turn off my desire forever so that it will no longer be a problem. And other times where I experience a few days without it and I feel angry with myself for being such a dud. All these feelings are so real despite being contradictory.
Do I just lack the ability to be satisfied with what's occurring? Am I being too judgmental of myself? Will sex EVER stop being a problem that I need to solve?
I have had boyfriends before, but because of my transient lifestyle, have not had an opportunity to see if any of the relationships would last. I live in fear that I will end up alone. My logical brain wants to tell me a few things about this fear. 1) It's not the end of the world to be 'alone'. 2) The chances of that are relatively low (I can hear my mother's voice saying this in my head). 3) There are more important things to use your brain-power on than worrying about whether or not you'll be in a relationship in the future (I can hear the feminist saying this in my head).
I know that my brain focuses on these things due to insecurity and low self-esteem. This is a life long battle which I have only begun. Everyday I am challenged. I see improvement, but sometimes I am so busy berating myself for not doing 'good enough' that I forget to acknowledge any improvement.
Just another day, another fight, another success.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Life is Better with a Little Music
I've been thinking a lot about music. I've decided to commit myself to it more than I ever have before. I play every day. I take my uke everywhere I go. I've started giving impromptu performances on the bus, on the sidewalk, to my family. I have callouses on three of my fingers which I cherish and bragged to my mother about. I even played so much that I had to try to learn how to play upside-down because it hurt my back and wrist.
I've obsessed about things in my life: boys, boys, boys, how to get on with life when dealing with stressful circumstances such as moving somewhere new. Playing music engages my mind so that my obsessive thoughts aren't able to take over. It interrupts them. And singing just naturally regulates my breath so that I become relaxed after a few minutes. Strumming the ukulele forces my body to move to a rhythm, like dancing, which also brings relaxation. I get a lot of satisfaction after learning a new song, I've just memorized a song entirely in Hawaiian and it's wonderful to sing in another language.
I've come to discover a new perspective in my music since filling my life with it. Initially I was concerned with sounding good, but now I'm concerned with engaging in the music itself. I don't want to sound "good". I want to sound real. I want to be able to transmit emotion and to connect with individuals. I want to touch people. Not everyone, not all the time, it's just that: life is better with a little music.
I've obsessed about things in my life: boys, boys, boys, how to get on with life when dealing with stressful circumstances such as moving somewhere new. Playing music engages my mind so that my obsessive thoughts aren't able to take over. It interrupts them. And singing just naturally regulates my breath so that I become relaxed after a few minutes. Strumming the ukulele forces my body to move to a rhythm, like dancing, which also brings relaxation. I get a lot of satisfaction after learning a new song, I've just memorized a song entirely in Hawaiian and it's wonderful to sing in another language.
I've come to discover a new perspective in my music since filling my life with it. Initially I was concerned with sounding good, but now I'm concerned with engaging in the music itself. I don't want to sound "good". I want to sound real. I want to be able to transmit emotion and to connect with individuals. I want to touch people. Not everyone, not all the time, it's just that: life is better with a little music.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
The Future
The future
is a place
in our minds.
A creative
and scary
and endless
potential.
Plans are made
and kept
or broken.
Relationships are formed
and build upon
or blow away
in the endlessness.
Nothing is certain.
All that is left to do...
is sing
is a place
in our minds.
A creative
and scary
and endless
potential.
Plans are made
and kept
or broken.
Relationships are formed
and build upon
or blow away
in the endlessness.
Nothing is certain.
All that is left to do...
is sing
Monday, November 25, 2013
Fun Activities of To Day
1. Build a piñata.
2. Grease my wheel axles on my bicycle.
3. Hunt for a rainbow.
4. Expel music from soul.
5. Anticipate something delicious.
6. Smell a familiar scent that triggers nostalgia.
7. Write blog by candlelight.
2. Grease my wheel axles on my bicycle.
3. Hunt for a rainbow.
4. Expel music from soul.
5. Anticipate something delicious.
6. Smell a familiar scent that triggers nostalgia.
7. Write blog by candlelight.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Music makes the people come together
Growing up and being from Hawai'i has been difficult for me from a racial perspective. I am constantly asked where I am from, without a thought that it may be here, due to my skin color. At times it makes me feel misplaced and unwelcome. When I was 6 I dropped out of hula lessons because "I was the only girl with yellow hair". I don't know if I was teased or it was my choice. When I was a teenager, I was sent to "white school", mostly because the public education system in Hawai'i is touted to be one of the worst in the nation and my parents believe fiercely in education. While I was there, there was talk of getting school shirts, but there was also talk of people beating us up if we had school shirts from the "white school". Some of my old classmates might remember me from elementary school, because I went to public school then, but going to private school isolated me even further from being a "local". I feel that I am constantly trying to prove something because it's really hard when you don't feel allowed to call where you grew up your home. I call it the Hawai'i tax, it is one of a few prices for living in paradise. At least I'm not a white male, I feel like it is even harder to integrate in some ways because you have to deal with more physical violence.
But it's not all bad, I can't say that my upbringing was more plagued by racism than bullying. It just that there is more of a context to discuss bullying, whereas it is harder to discuss skin color. It's uncomfortable and weird and I find it difficult to find the right language to use. Some people may have the perspective that I should have nothing to complain about considering "my people" forcefully took over this land. It is hard to conceptualize. What do I do?
Well, I happened to discover yesterday what to do. Yesterday was the first day that I decided I am going to carry around my ukulele everywhere I go and it was quite a discovery. My ukulele flirted with a 'local' boy at the bus stop, started a conversation with a white 'local' woman reading a magazine, delighted some australian tourists, manifested a mini-concert with a 'local' Phillipino man at the gas station, and brought all kinds of questions from all sorts of people at a lounge where I went to see some live piano music. My ukulele is a social creature that does not discriminate across race, class, or gender. My ukulele is a building block in the bridge to a united people.
So I encourage everyone…"VIVE LE MUSIQUE!"
By: Rose Sylvester
But it's not all bad, I can't say that my upbringing was more plagued by racism than bullying. It just that there is more of a context to discuss bullying, whereas it is harder to discuss skin color. It's uncomfortable and weird and I find it difficult to find the right language to use. Some people may have the perspective that I should have nothing to complain about considering "my people" forcefully took over this land. It is hard to conceptualize. What do I do?
Well, I happened to discover yesterday what to do. Yesterday was the first day that I decided I am going to carry around my ukulele everywhere I go and it was quite a discovery. My ukulele flirted with a 'local' boy at the bus stop, started a conversation with a white 'local' woman reading a magazine, delighted some australian tourists, manifested a mini-concert with a 'local' Phillipino man at the gas station, and brought all kinds of questions from all sorts of people at a lounge where I went to see some live piano music. My ukulele is a social creature that does not discriminate across race, class, or gender. My ukulele is a building block in the bridge to a united people.
So I encourage everyone…"VIVE LE MUSIQUE!"
By: Rose Sylvester
Monday, November 18, 2013
A Camino Experience
I am so excited for you in your thoughts of walking the Camino. It was certainly one of the highlights of my life and I continue to reminisce about it - the beautiful paths and vistas, the people I met on the path, the solitude, the coming together in the hostels each evening with people from around the world, and even my stay in the hospital where the staff were so kind and my roommates and their family became like my family despite the language barrier. I still think often of the husband of one of my hospital roommates who took me under his wing. His name was Benino and he slept by his wife's bed every night (as he had done every night for the past 4 months apparently). He was so devoted to her, helping her with all her meals and keeping her company. He knew a tiny bit of English and would introduce me to everyone who came into the room (and there were many) with great pride as if I were a special friend of his. I was Carol from Canada, no Espanol, perigrina (pilgrim), walk 500 kilometres! He would bring me water and magazines in Spanish so I could look at the pictures and make sure I was comfortable in a foreign land. The day I left the hospital, after being there not quite three days, I went to his wife's bed and spoke to her in English and wished her well and thanked her for being such a lovely roommate ( she was completely immobile yet only in her late 40s). She had such kind eyes and took my hand, smiled and spoke to me in Spanish. It didn't matter that we couldn't understand each other, we communicated so well that day we parted. Benino escorted me to the front door carrying my backpack for me (I didn't know the way out), and hailed a taxi for me. When I turned to him to say goodbye and thank him for all his kindness he was close to tears as was I knowing we would never see each other again. He put his hands on my shoulders and gave me the European kiss on each cheek and then I left. I write this story to let you know about one experience on the Camino. I will treasure it forever. I also want to say that the Camino is many things, it is not just a walk. When you would like, I can give you some practical tips about the Camino, including one book that is a necessity to have while walking. There are also several books people have written about their experiences while walking the Camino which I really enjoyed prior to going that I can tell you about. This makes me want to go again! I do have to finish my walk which has now been delayed, likely, until 2015. I only have 40 km to go and will be so excited to walk, rather than enter Santiago de Compostela by ambulance. I really want to attend the special ceremony for the peregrinos in the cathedral - make sure you plan for that.
By: Carol Huber
By: Carol Huber
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Voice
Oh my lovely ladies, strong and brute
Who hear the little voices shout,
"Just be cute."
Women who shun the razor
In favour of their nature,
And hear the little voices shout,
"That's not what you're about."
Girls who catch un-made-up reflections
And take pleasure in what they see,
While the little voices, locked away
Lie screaming, "you will never be free."
No, she knows, so long as she's here
Among the cacophony of views
Of femininity askewed
That the little voices, her falsest friends
with their neverending lists of
unpurchased deadends
Will dim to an undecipherable din
So that the only voice heard is that of
The girl, the woman, the lady
Pursuing her rightful destiny.
By: Andrea Werhun
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Driving on the Island of Kauai
I recently had the challenge of driving both on Crete and in Tuscany. I have discovered that there is a "road culture" in the different places that I have driven. The culture on the Island of Kauai is even different than Oahu's.
Kauai's drivers are made up of a mix of locals and tourists. The tourists are trying to find their way while enjoying the phenomenal scenery, whereas the locals are extremely familiar with their environment. We drive within a very small space over and over again so we know every twist and turn. Kauai's drivers can be very courteous. They usually make way for cars entering into traffic. I learned in Europe that being courteous is dangerous because the other drivers expect you to be aggressive. Kauai's local drivers will not be surprised if you take a little extra time to help out a fellow driver.
We can be lax at stopping at crosswalks though. We come from a culture of darting across the road when there is opportunity. We don't worry because we usually don't have too much traffic. When you are stopping at a crosswalk be aware of the car behind you and how close they are.
Driving on Kauai is easy; one main road going from the west to the north and back. You can't go around the island because of the the beautiful, protected Na Pali coastline. It does get very dark at night so allow extra time and learn your turn off from the highway. Vacationing on Kauai does necessitate renting a car unless you are very adventuresome and don't mind infrequent buses. Driving is easy for almost everyone here because we don't have too many people on Kauai. The most difficult part of being a Kauai driver is resisting the temptation to peer at the world class scenery!
By: Linda Sylvester
On Loneliness
Loneliness is ones experience of searching for oneself. When you are lonely you are missing 'yourself' ! Who are you but more importantly who do you want to be? Your intentions will create your reality. First and most importantly find yourself. Fall in love with yourself. Be overjoyed with who you are. Believe you are good enough. Tell yourself you are superb. Then go out and be superb.
By: Mary Brockman
By: Mary Brockman
The World
What have I learned?
That the world is round
That the world is turning.
To know
To know about
To know round about
Round about nothing, no essence, only the turning and moving.
And never the same.
People
People are
People are never the same either
that’s why
and it’s normal
everything’s crazy, but it’s normal.
By: Kayla Morin
"Remember, loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are, and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth."
Reflection upon this quote:
Design. Discover. Cease the search external.
Commence the voyage internal. Eternally.
Seeking. Yearning. Weaping. Learning.
Yet to be attained. Deeply rooted, retained.
It exists without sight. To see, you see, is my plight.
Eyes untrained. Restless soul, untamed.
To ease, not just appease.
Peace, unto the pieces of me that are so broken...
Lord, help me.
Help me to achieve. Love. Peace. <3
By: Christina Cole
It's not me, it's you
Why don't you see me anymore?
Why don't you say hello?
Did I not wave the proper way?
Did I come on too strong?
Is there somebody else?
No. We wouldn't have connected so much if there was.
Or maybe we didn't.
Maybe it was me, maybe it's always me.
Maybe I'm too picky.
Maybe I'm too quiet.
Maybe I'm too hairy?
Maybe I'm too large?
Maybe I'm just not what you're looking for.
Maybe you're just not what I'm looking for.
Maybe my subconscious knows something.
Maybe I'm giving you too much credit.
Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit?
That's it. I'm not. I'm not too picky, too quiet,
Too hairy, or too large. I'm fine just the way I am.
I love myself for hating those things.
You don't know it, but I'm quite a catch.
And you didn't see it.
Good luck to you, but I have better things to do..
Than spend my time, chasing you.
By: Amber Urbshas
Why don't you say hello?
Did I not wave the proper way?
Did I come on too strong?
Is there somebody else?
No. We wouldn't have connected so much if there was.
Or maybe we didn't.
Maybe it was me, maybe it's always me.
Maybe I'm too picky.
Maybe I'm too quiet.
Maybe I'm too hairy?
Maybe I'm too large?
Maybe I'm just not what you're looking for.
Maybe you're just not what I'm looking for.
Maybe my subconscious knows something.
Maybe I'm giving you too much credit.
Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit?
That's it. I'm not. I'm not too picky, too quiet,
Too hairy, or too large. I'm fine just the way I am.
I love myself for hating those things.
You don't know it, but I'm quite a catch.
And you didn't see it.
Good luck to you, but I have better things to do..
Than spend my time, chasing you.
By: Amber Urbshas
Winter Wants
There’s a flurry of a snowstorm out my window, the sky sits stark as flurries dizzies themselves from the ground and speckles the streets. The wind startles the window, with its deep howl, more snow billows from the trees.
Water from the bin over my heater has evaporated. And it’s still a wonder that to touch the window is to touch the cold, without actually touching the cold air. The snow blows diagonals as a rush of cloud softens the scene: cars sleeping under snowy blankets, trees dressed in icy jewelry, houses dusted in sugar.
And I’m here in the warmth of my blanket in the soft of my bed, flicking for my nipple to harden. This snow will erase all the him’s in my life and remind me of the multiple me’s. Yet there are sounds in the house and my breast feels cool once I withdraw my hand. A single sharp footstep, doors creaking, all this wind. Neighbours’ movement. Being startled too easily, ecstasy tainted by fear. It all too hard to understand what I want.
The science of reading haunts like a headache. I dropped my book, as it can only stimulate my mind and I seek to stimulate the body. So with a deep breath and deep lunge under underwear, my hand starts a journey and finally, finally I please myself. Erased all guilty attachments. The freedom to moan and hear my voice echo in an empty room arouses me more. One witness. Multiple orgasms.
I can lie down in bed past the noon hour with lulling eyes and fingers twisting my hair. A smell captured in blankets rises when I release myself. A pleasure felt only when being alone. And it’s hellishly cold out there, but I’m ok. Even the beige pillows sit up like a lazy lover. This thought holds no melancholy for me. The hum from the heater sits on my chest. A morning tear. Maybe it’s peace.
By: Whitney French
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Emotional Eating
I shove it into my mouth, disregarding what it is, mash it with my teeth so I can swallow as fast as I can.
I just want to fill the emptiness, fill the loneliness, fill the absence with something, anything.
Open the fridge again grab the first thing I see, drink it down, wash away my shame, glad that no one is home to watch. Secretive, silent, stealthy.
Sugar, comfort food, addiction, quantity.
More, more, more till it won't fit.
Sit in shame, sit in discomfort, something to take place of the mental pain. Which is worse?
Go lie down, want to fall asleep to make the discomfort go away, but my stomach is too full. I feel gross. I want to throw up, but I can't muster the effort.
Finally fall asleep, only to wake up with a discomforting reminder that turns into a chronic problem.
Years of stomach aches, trying to eat my loneliness one morsel at a time, but it never seems to run out.
Trying to find another way.
I just want to fill the emptiness, fill the loneliness, fill the absence with something, anything.
Open the fridge again grab the first thing I see, drink it down, wash away my shame, glad that no one is home to watch. Secretive, silent, stealthy.
Sugar, comfort food, addiction, quantity.
More, more, more till it won't fit.
Sit in shame, sit in discomfort, something to take place of the mental pain. Which is worse?
Go lie down, want to fall asleep to make the discomfort go away, but my stomach is too full. I feel gross. I want to throw up, but I can't muster the effort.
Finally fall asleep, only to wake up with a discomforting reminder that turns into a chronic problem.
Years of stomach aches, trying to eat my loneliness one morsel at a time, but it never seems to run out.
Trying to find another way.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Safety
There's something about waking up at 5am when the sun hasn't come up yet and everyone else in the house is still sleeping that makes me feel a sort of excitement. That I need to sneak around so I don't wake anyone else up and in doing so I feel like I'm on a secret mission. Unfortunately along with my secret mission ploy comes out my fear of darkness. It's hard to know the line between rational and irrational when you are afraid of something. I once dated a guy when I had just moved to Victoria, BC and when we first started dating he refused to walk me from the bus stop to his house when it was nighttime. This was a deal breaker for me, I knew from that moment that our relationship wouldn't last very long, yet there were still 5 months of it to go.
Where does this fear come from? When should I listen to it and when should I push through? Is it ever a good idea to walk around a city at night by yourself? I find that the people that grew up in a place are often more likely to be comfortable travelling around by foot wherever they please, depending on if they have come upon unfortunate circumstances at some point in their lives.
I was once mugged by kids with guns on the edge of "the bad part" of NDG in Montreal, QB. I was 17 years old and had just left home 6 weeks previous for the first time. It was 7pm and I was on my way home from French class. Afterwards, I thought that if I'm not safe on my way home from class, then when am I safe? It's been 8 years and I still haven't forgotten the terror I felt. Will I ever?
Being afraid isn't always beneficial. When fear strikes my heart strong enough, then I become paralysed. I'm neither fight, nor flight, but the third 'f' which is freeze. When I was mugged I froze so completely that I forgot how to speak. My tongue and my mouth and my vocal cords weren't able to coordinate for a while afterwards. Try explaining that to the family who's door you're pounding on like your life depends on it. They were very nice. My mother sent them a gift basket.
Shit happens. It's not likely, and it can't be predicted and I don't believe that I can be prepared for it. Living in fear doesn't enhance my life, it makes it harder. I know to take certain precautions, which is one of the many reasons that I imbibe very little alcohol and why I have become somewhat of a bicycle expert.
But the fear still pervades, and it's not just me because I can feel it from my parents when I am far away and from other's around me. It's hard to feel truly safe.
By: Rose
Where does this fear come from? When should I listen to it and when should I push through? Is it ever a good idea to walk around a city at night by yourself? I find that the people that grew up in a place are often more likely to be comfortable travelling around by foot wherever they please, depending on if they have come upon unfortunate circumstances at some point in their lives.
I was once mugged by kids with guns on the edge of "the bad part" of NDG in Montreal, QB. I was 17 years old and had just left home 6 weeks previous for the first time. It was 7pm and I was on my way home from French class. Afterwards, I thought that if I'm not safe on my way home from class, then when am I safe? It's been 8 years and I still haven't forgotten the terror I felt. Will I ever?
Being afraid isn't always beneficial. When fear strikes my heart strong enough, then I become paralysed. I'm neither fight, nor flight, but the third 'f' which is freeze. When I was mugged I froze so completely that I forgot how to speak. My tongue and my mouth and my vocal cords weren't able to coordinate for a while afterwards. Try explaining that to the family who's door you're pounding on like your life depends on it. They were very nice. My mother sent them a gift basket.
Shit happens. It's not likely, and it can't be predicted and I don't believe that I can be prepared for it. Living in fear doesn't enhance my life, it makes it harder. I know to take certain precautions, which is one of the many reasons that I imbibe very little alcohol and why I have become somewhat of a bicycle expert.
But the fear still pervades, and it's not just me because I can feel it from my parents when I am far away and from other's around me. It's hard to feel truly safe.
By: Rose
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Adventures in Crete Continued...
Well we made it to Tuscany! Before I give details I'll go back to where I left off when we were off to the Crete Botanical Gardens. The botanical gardens are located where the oldest olive orchards in Crete (oil) were and they lost 60,000 trees in a fire in 2004 (400 year old trees). They decided to create this beautiful garden in its place. We started the day with the most amazing meal at the garden's restaurant and shared three different specials. This was one of the best meals we had in Crete. They use many of the products grown right there. At the end of the meal, there was the traditional food gift and in this case it was the most beautiful plate of fruit (figs, blue lilly pilly, fresh gogi berries, oranges, grapes, Suriname cherries) and then we paid our 5 euros received a frozen bottle of water each and started out trek into this stunning garden. Most of the plants are also grown in Hawaii so it was fun to recognize many of the trees and bushes.
The next day we drove around in the morning and looked at the beaches that were quite close to Chania Town to the west and then returned the car. The beaches all have the traditional umbrellas and lounge chairs for rent. After living in Hawaii the beaches were pretty unimpressive.
One of the things that struck me about Chania was the transition between town and city is so quick. When we walk over to the bustling city to grocery shop in the produce store, the bakery, the grocery store, it is a big city with traffic all over the place and people filling the sidewalks. The pace of the world changes dramatically when you walk a few blocks into Old Town with the meandering alleys and little old ladies dressed in black sitting in chairs watching their very small world go by.
On October 9th we woke up and Randy had not really turned 60 yet as it was still October 8th in Hawaii, but we decided to celebrate anyway. We started out with a breakfast at our favorite waterfront restaurant, Porto Veneziano, which is a small hotel and exquisite. They had a delicious buffet for 10 euros that included cappuccino, espresso, and everything you would want for a breakfast (fresh oj, local cheese and olives, goat or cow yoghurt, fresh breads, pasteries, eggs, wild sage honey, etc.), then walked over to Dr. Fish. Their slogan is "For once, you're the fish food!" Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, there are two or three of these shops on every block on Crete. They have tanks of little fish which eat the dead skin off of your feet. Susan and I dangled our feet in a tank each (it tickles) and Randy received a birthday pedicure by a charming young Greek woman. We walked home for a lunch of baklava and then headed back to the harbour for a sailing trip with Captain Nick. BTW both Dr. Fish and Captain Nick were number one on TripAdvisor, deservedly so. Captain Nick has a glass bottom boat and took us on a two hour cruise with people from Finland, Prince Edward Island, Argentina, etc. (Crete has 85% of their tourism from Scandinavia). We sailed out to Thodorou, the nature reserve island where the wild Kri Kri goats are being protected. Susan and I went for a swim (we started out snorkeling but we're from Hawaii so it was ....). The water was clean and clear and really quite warm. Captain Nick found an octopus and put it on our shoulders so Randy could take a picture. It was pretty exciting to be swimming in the Cretan Sea in the Mediterranean. We safely returned to the harbor, made our way through the alleys back to the house to rest and get ready for dinner. Another number one on TripAdvisor, Chrisostomos, which was so ono we were giddy eating. Susan and I had lamb and it was bar none the best lamb either of us had had in our lives. Randy had delicious goat. Both slow cooked in their wood-burning oven. The bread was unbelievable!!! We kept trying to get the other patrons to join in our pleasure. They were a serious group and probably thought we were annoying, but we didn't care. Besides it was a very important celebration!
The next morning we walked up to the car rental agency and rented a car for the last two days. We had a bit of a late start and headed out to see the most beautiful beach in Crete and some people say in all of Europe, Elafonissi. This was the beach that we had been searching for at the beginning of our trip and couldn't get there from where we were. This time we took the coast road and twisted and turned our way south through a road that changed from one to two lanes at random with amazing views all the way to Elafonissi. We parked at the beach, walked down a short boardwalk and rented three loungers and an umbrella. We took a tasty picnic lunch, enjoyed the scenery, Susan and I swam in the warm Libyan Sea, Randy enjoyed conversing with the money collector and it was a blissful afternoon with the pink sand. We walked out through the shallow water past the lagoon and swam in the ocean as well. I had asked the money collector if there was another way back to Chania Town as the trip there had been a little more adventuresome than I like and he had suggested going through the greenest part of Chania (Chania is a town and a prefecture (like a County - there are four prefectures on Crete). This route was the way the locals went home so I imagined it would be less harrowing and faster. WRONG! Talk about adventure. The main highway is partially closed for work so this is a temporary detour. We were aware of the closure but didn't expect the experience of narrow roads, twists, steep ups and downs, goats, rocks, potholes, little teeny towns where you are driving a few feet from the houses on either side. We slowly made our way, changing juxtaposition with a few cars as we headed for Chania Town.
Now, the claim to fame of Elafonissi is the only time where TripAdvisor steered us wrong. We certainly enjoyed our day, but there are several beaches on Kauai that rival Elafonissi. We discovered the most beautiful beach that any of us had every been to on our last day in Crete. Balos Beach rivals The Beach in the movie. There are very few ways to describe this magical place. This last day made the fantasy of Crete become reality. It has shallow waters, the sea is warm with bright blue and turquoise, every shade of blue imaginable and then some, pink hued sand. What word describes breathtaking with heavy breathing? There is a trick to Balos though. The average person would take a ferry and arrive in the early afternoon with hundreds (thousands in the summer) of other people. The adventurous would take the car on a road that some claim need four wheel drive (obviously have never driven to Mahaulepu in a Porsche). We headed out early down along the north coast, the same way as the day before, stopping for the most scrumptious pastry on the way, turned up a peninsula, drove through a town (estimated population of ten), paid our two euros each, and drove down seven kilometers (about 5 miles) of dirt road along the coast, parked (we were car number four) and started the "twenty minute" trek. Probably more like forty after talking to the goats, listening to the chimes from their bells, and suddenly reaching a point where you are overlooking the most incredible beach you can imagine. We walked down hundreds of uneven stone stairs, snapping pictures the whole way, and arrived at the beach. Some of the staff were walking down with us and we picked our place while the loungers were being set up under the umbrellas. The water is shallow and warm and colorful. Hawaii's ocean color pales compared to this sight. I just hope we captured it in our pictures (to be posted soon). We enjoyed the day, ate (left-over) lamb sandwiches, drank wine, bought beer at the taverna and just walked around, swam and did what we envisioned in our dreams of Crete before the reality. Now, with a lighter load and after the large ferry kissed the shore so the hundreds of "ants" could descend upon us by walking off a gangplank. It was pretty interesting to watch a ferry come so close to shore that people could actually walk off to the beach. They were in the distance. About 2:30 we decided that most of the cars would be heading out as there were parts of the seven kilometers that would be interesting to say the least if passing on the road was necessary. We started our walk up which was reminiscent of the Battaan Death March we experienced with Reg and Sarah in Santorini in 2001. I've got to say we three old goats did pretty well and even some of the young'uns were having their own challenges. When we reached the car there were at least a hundred cars left in the parking lot. What an amazing day! We drove home, packed, ate a dinner made up of some of the wonderful items in the fridge and headed back to our favorite little hotel to have a drink of Ouzo and toast our 12 night adventure on the island of Crete and anticipate the week in Tuscany.
Now, I've rambled long enough so I'll fill you in on Tuscany soon. We LOVE the house, the awe-inspiring scenery, the little town and in some ways wish we had stayed here the whole time, but then I wouldn't have had the adventure to share of Crete.
By: Linda Sylvester
10 Things Cosmo Doesn't Teach About Sex, An Article
I'm posting this article because as a teenager that was highly curious about sex, as they are, Cosmo magazine was my go to. I'm still working on reprogramming my mindset about my sexuality to this day.
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/10/cosmo-doesnt-teach-about-sex/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+EverydayFeminism+%28Everyday+Feminism%29
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/10/cosmo-doesnt-teach-about-sex/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+EverydayFeminism+%28Everyday+Feminism%29
Friday, October 25, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
10 ways I keep myself happy
1. Getting more familiar with music so that I can match it to my mood. I've realized that music, like dance and movement, can be a tool to help me work through emotions and deeper senses that are hard to access with my thoughts.
2. Working out. Strengthening different muscles, moving in new ways bring awareness to different parts of my body that I've forgotten about.
3. I've recently been drawing with some colour pencils that I found forgotten in a drawer. I don't usually do much drawing, but I leave them out on my floor and over a week or so a beautiful drawing develops. The process makes me feel engaged and positive.
4. I try to play the piano at least once a day, even if it's for a couple of minutes. Sometimes it ends up being longer and I improvise around. I'm not in a hurry to be good at it, I just do it for enjoyment sake. Getting better at it bring me satisfaction over time, like a time release capsule.
5. Whenever I drive, which I don't really enjoy, I sing to myself. Practicing using the diaphragm, rather than my throat and being silly and seeing how high I can pitch my high notes.
6. When I'm riding the bus I meditate, checking in with myself and attempting to dispel negative thoughts and just focus on the essentials. Like how I feel about the implementation of Obamacare.
7. I pet the dog and try to walk him at least once a day to keep active and apparently petting animals is good therapy.
8. I'm going to counselling. I want to improve my relationships with my parents. I believe they are the root of all my relationships, the one's which I refer to as I go through life trying to navigate new relationships all the time.
9. I eat healthfully. I love vegetables. I make a mean salad with all the extra goodies. I pack myself a lunch most days to make sure I have the energy to make it through the day.
10. I work a job that I enjoy. I'm obtaining a skill that I believe will be useful in one way or another throughout my life (bicycle mechanics) and find satisfaction in a good tune up, frame sparkling, gears changing smoothly and gracefully, everything aligned.
By: Rose Sylvester
2. Working out. Strengthening different muscles, moving in new ways bring awareness to different parts of my body that I've forgotten about.
3. I've recently been drawing with some colour pencils that I found forgotten in a drawer. I don't usually do much drawing, but I leave them out on my floor and over a week or so a beautiful drawing develops. The process makes me feel engaged and positive.
4. I try to play the piano at least once a day, even if it's for a couple of minutes. Sometimes it ends up being longer and I improvise around. I'm not in a hurry to be good at it, I just do it for enjoyment sake. Getting better at it bring me satisfaction over time, like a time release capsule.
5. Whenever I drive, which I don't really enjoy, I sing to myself. Practicing using the diaphragm, rather than my throat and being silly and seeing how high I can pitch my high notes.
6. When I'm riding the bus I meditate, checking in with myself and attempting to dispel negative thoughts and just focus on the essentials. Like how I feel about the implementation of Obamacare.
7. I pet the dog and try to walk him at least once a day to keep active and apparently petting animals is good therapy.
8. I'm going to counselling. I want to improve my relationships with my parents. I believe they are the root of all my relationships, the one's which I refer to as I go through life trying to navigate new relationships all the time.
9. I eat healthfully. I love vegetables. I make a mean salad with all the extra goodies. I pack myself a lunch most days to make sure I have the energy to make it through the day.
10. I work a job that I enjoy. I'm obtaining a skill that I believe will be useful in one way or another throughout my life (bicycle mechanics) and find satisfaction in a good tune up, frame sparkling, gears changing smoothly and gracefully, everything aligned.
By: Rose Sylvester
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Adventures in Crete
The three of us are sitting up on the roof drinking coffee, listening to the church bells. There is an old mosque and a church right next to each other behind the house. Not the usual combination. I can see sea glimpses of blue in front of me. The streets are being cleaned. Someone goes around and sweeps all of the alleys every morning and they have machines to clean the streets. We have a car parked in the alley behind us so we're going out for another adventure today. Travelling is an adventure. There is always those choices of taking a cruise, staying in a hotel or staying in a vacation rental. They all have their pluses and minuses. We didn't have hot water due to plumbing issues the first few days and then the sun wasn't out enough and we didn't realize there is back up until yesterday. "Didn't read the book." Not all of you will get the irony of that statement because you don't make fun of visitors for not reading the book on a daily basis at work. But I have to give myself a little slack in this case as there are three books and they are in terrible disarray.
We love the vacation rental choice because we are in the neighborhood with the people and can enjoy these moments of sitting on the roof drinking coffee, having dinner and breakfast at home. Yesterday we had baklava, Greek yogurt (same brand we get at home which is amusing) and fresh fruit. Randy cooked squid on the BBQ the other night and has leftovers as it's not our forte. Randy is extremely adventuresome with food, Susan next and I'm the least. He has eaten goat, rabbit, snails all of which Susan tried. I tasted the goat.
I left off after our first road trip which was on Thursday. Friday we decided to drive east. We were going to go to a Palace of Knossos with 1200 rooms, but when we were driving by we realized the cruise ships were on their excursions and there were so many people we decided to skip it justifying it with "we've been to Versailles," which I know is not remotely the same, but it worked for us. We drove through many little towns and headed for Randy's favorite Crete winery, Lyrarakis. It was a beautiful winery and the young lady there said we were the first people from Hawaii that she had ever met. I guess we now represent the typical Hawaiian family :) Randy bought enough wine for the rest of our stay here (I'll leave the amount up to your imaginations) and had a very giddy time doing so. The scenery is brown mountains, blue ocean, tiny mountainous towns and large cities. While on our way to the winery we stopped at a vegetable/fruit stand and bought the most amazing produce. Grocery stores are extremely inexpensive (a quarter of what we pay in Hawaii) and the restaurants are comparable to Hawaii. Thus a good reason to stay in a vacation rental!
Driving is fairly easy outside of the cities as long as you keep your eyes open for goats, etc. in the middle of the road around the curve or a car that decided to stop in the middle of the road. Getting into the city and finding our alley makes for a lot of huge deep breaths and anxiety, but staying here for a while and getting the lay of the land has made each time a little bit easier.
We took Saturday off and walked to the art gallery to see the latest weird exhibit, ate gelato for breakfast and went to a beautiful ocean front restaurant after walking along many cobble stones to the lighthouse and back for adventure and exercise. Sitting in the ocean front cafes are a great place for people watching. I think most of the visitors are from Europe, all ages and some enjoying horse driven coach rides through the Old Town. We are staying in Old Town which is small and mostly a walking area although you do dodge a few cars and mopeds, but we are only ten minutes from the city where the locals shop.
Yesterday we took Maria's advice (one of my owner's associates) and headed for Hora Sfakion and Frangokastello, port side towns on the Libyan sea east of where we were on Thursday. The scenery is not as varied as Kauai (big point for Kauai), but beautiful in its own way. There are spectacular mountain and ocean views along the steep switchback highways. I only got glimpses as one needs 100% attention when driving here. The highlight of yesterday was Dourakis Winery where we met the owner Andreas who was totally charming. There were two little art galleries there and they have 24 cats and 7 dogs. The few cats we saw were beautiful. Randy bought wine (don't ask) and was suggesting one more wine tour which got a resounding "NO" from Susan and I.
Soon we will be heading off to the Botantical Gardens and surrounding areas. Another adventure to be described at a later time.
By: Linda Sylvester
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
A Realization
"I’m finally getting to a point where when I east a bunch of junk food, I’m more concerned with my health than weather or not I’m fat. I consider this a win. My next feat is to do with playing music. I want to get to a point when I’m not longer concerned with sounding good, but to be focused on enjoying myself."
-Rose
Thursday, October 10, 2013
10 ways to overcome sleeping with people that you shouldn't
1. Get to know someone before becoming intimate. Spend time together, if they’re putting pressure on you to have sex then they’re definitely a creep anyway.
2. Listen to your gut instincts.
3. Don’t put yourself in situations where sex is a possibility. Say public at first. Be careful how much alcohol you imbibe when you’re still getting to know someone. Have a friend around to back you up.
4. Meditate, be creative, spend an hour a day doing something that you enjoy. The better you know yourself and the more comfortable with yourself you are, the louder your instincts become.
5. Know that sex can be fun. That you should be comfortable. Laughter and eye contact are natural ways of connecting during sex.
6. Masturbate. Have fun. Experiment. If you don’t know how to get yourself off, then how are you going to teach someone else?
7. When you’re feeling really randy and you’re not up for masturbating, then do something physical: walk, run, ride your bike. Physical activity of any kind releases the same endorphins.
8. Live at home for a few months. There’s no better way to kill your sex life than having your parents breathing down your neck every day.
9. Plan an adventure with a friend. Get excited! Do a bunch of research and email each other some good links.
10. Anyone else have any suggestions?
I’ve spent all my romantic life struggling through one sexual encounter after another, trying to figure it out. I told myself that I was horny and that I ‘needed’ to get laid, but I almost always felt bad about myself afterwards, whether it be immediately or a few days following. It’s been very difficult for me to break this pattern, and I still don’t know if I really have completely. I get lonely at times and it seems to happen again and again, like a broken record.
I’ve been told a variety of times that I “just need to love myself”. But I’ve realized that this is not something that I can do overnight. I remember as a teenager I spent a lot of time hating myself and it’s taken a lot of work to reprogram those messages. So I just try to be patient with myself.
It sucks to feel like I can’t trust myself when I make choices about sex and that I could have slept with so many people, while feeling like trash afterwards. The part of me that completed these actions feels separate from me and at times it feels like I’m not able to communicate and reason with this entity. One day at a time I will keep trying to feel loved, so that I don’t end up in another bed due to feeling desperate and lonely. I work toward finding satisfaction in other parts of my life.
I believe that romance and good sex can’t be forced. It just happens sometimes.
By: Anonymous
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