Sometimes I feel fucking crazy, like the world owes me a big apology. That they're all out to get me and I'm just a sitting duck waiting for folks to disrespect me, diminish me or find covert ways to manipulate and hurt me. It's a terrible state of mind and one I'd rather not take responsibility for, but it's a common theme in my life and no matter where I live this sense of being doomed does not go away.
I know that the more I own it, the more I can dismantle this harmful belief system and yet it is extremely painful to approach and love this part of myself. It is quite ugly and prickly and selfish as hell. Yet she is inside me and rejecting her, rejects me.
I'm in pain.
A lot of pain.
It is my burden to carry and ask for help with if I need it.
SO I keep asking for help from trusted friends. Asking them to know this part of me, hopefully not take it personally because I know that our relationship won't last because this part of me wants so badly to be alone so I don't have to worry about losing connection. It is easier to have none than to have some and have to constantly worry about the loss of it. It feels very real.
But I slog through daily conversations about miscommunication and me taking things personally, over and over and over and over and over and over. Because I grew up being gaslit about my own reality and I don't know what is real and that was implanted in my brain at a young age.
I keep showing up for myself, reparenting myself, journaling, going to counselling, meetings, moving my body when I'm not super in the mood. Everything I can to...just...stay...sane.
Nothing 'works' if the goal is to become a different person, because I will never be anyone other than myself. But these things do keep me sane-ish.
So I keep slogging along and sometimes it doesn't feel like work, sometimes it's even fun. Sometimes I'm motivated as hell! Sometimes I'm joyful and grateful and free.
But it won't last, it doesn't last, it comes and goes. Up and down.
One day at a time.
